It's Not My Time
by racefh853629
Summary: This could be the end of me, and every thing I know... Mature themes come up later in the story, hence the rating.
1. Prologue

A/N: I'm gonna do something I don't normally do. I'm going to post two works in progress (One in CSI:NY and this one) at the same time, while trying to balance school and work. So, long story short- I can't guarantee regular updates, but do not be discouraged, as I do have a good chunk of this story written as it is (I wouldn't feel comfortable posting it if I didn't).

Alas, I do not own NCIS, CBS, or any other known entity presented in this story. The summary and the title come from the song by the same name from the band 3 Doors Down, which I do not own and am not affiliated with (but I can dream!). This story, later down the road, will contain dark themes, which is why it's going to be M rated (even though I probably won't explicitly explain what happened, because it's not exactly my style). This is also your warning of what's to come.

Summary: Tony gets kidnapped from a crime scene, and while the team fights to find him, they wonder just what condition he'll be in if and when they get him back.

* * *

**Prologue: Taken**

It happened faster than they could've expected.

Gibbs told Tony to take pictures of the scene, which included a set of footprints leading away from the body. The impressions were in deep, slippery mud, and Tony had to work hard not to fall over. As he took pictures, the crime scene disappeared behind him into the trees, along with any help he needed. Which, normally, wasn't a problem.

As Tony kept walking, he made it to a clearing with a dirt road, where he found tire tracks. Smirking at his discovery, he called Gibbs. "Yeah, Gibbs," the older man said.

"Boss, I've got tire tracks here," Tony said.

"Where are you?"

"Follow the footprints." Gibbs hung up without another word, and Tony smirked as he went back to taking pictures. As soon as Gibbs got there, Tony would be complimented on a job well done.

The mud of the dirt road squished as a vehicle rapidly approached, and Tony looked up. The black van stopped as it reached Tony, and a door opened. Gloved hands reached out and grabbed him, and Tony quickly threw away his camera and kit for Gibbs to find. After dragging Tony into the van, the two men, dressed in head to black and wearing masks, took his cell phone and threw it out the window as the van began to drive off again. They knocked Tony out with a blow to the head, and smirked to themselves at their own job well done.

* * *

Gibbs followed the footsteps as Tony had asked, and got to the clearing in time to see the tail end of the van disappearing into the woods. He looked around and noticed immediately that Tony was gone. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number as he ran to the road.

"Officer David," Ziva answered.

"Ziva," Gibbs said, picking up Tony's camera.

"Our crime scene's a fake, Gibbs."

"Yeah, I figured that, Ziva."

"How?"

"Tony's missing, and a van was just leaving the area."

"Where are you?"

"Follow the footsteps." He hung up, looking around at Tony's gear on the ground. He walked away a bit as Ziva and McGee ran down the path to him. Gibbs found Tony's cell as Ziva and McGee reached Gibbs. "Someone took Tony," he told them gravely.

"I'll start taking pictures," McGee said quietly.

"I'll collect his gear," Ziva said. Gibbs watched them get to work quickly and quietly, and he felt anger rising in him. Not at his team, but at the dirt bags who took his senior field agent.

"We'll find you, Tony," Gibbs said under his breath, standing with Tony's phone in his hand and watching his team get their job done.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: I apologize for the slow updates. School is kinda crazy right now, so these will probably continue to be slow. I also apologize for that. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 1: Acclimating

"What we got?" Gibbs growled, with more fury than usual. Ziva and McGee felt the same pressure- one of their own was missing, and they needed to find him before it was too late.

"Not much to work with," Ziva said despondently. "Tire tracks were compromised by the ones below them."

"Not necessarily," McGee said quickly, his eyes lighting up. "If Tony took pictures of the original tire tracks, maybe we could subtract them from the ones on top of them. It might give us something to go with."

"Why didn't you think of this earlier, McGee?"

"I don't know." He rushed down to Abby's lab, and both Gibbs and Ziva followed. When they walked in, they found the loveable goth hunched over the computer, pouring into the pictures McGee had just brought down.

"Hopefully, this works," McGee said.

"Then we can run it through the database, get a make and model on the van," Abby said.

"Did you get a license plate number, Boss?"

"Bravo, Echo, Lima," Gibbs said. "Virginia tags."

"Color?" Abby asked as the treads ran through the database.

"Black."

"Okay." The computer beeped with a match, and McGee smiled.

"Black Chevy van," he said, typing it into the DMV search criteria along with the partial license plate Gibbs had given him. As the results came up, McGee frowned. "30 hits in the greater Virginia area."

"Needle in a haystack," Abby said sadly.

"McGee," Gibbs said.

"Print out the list," McGee said automatically.

"Ziva."

"Start looking into who has a grudge against Tony, again."

"I'm going to speak to the director," Gibbs said, walking into the elevator. Ziva, McGee, and Abby all looked at one another.

"We need to find him, you guys," Abby said desperately.

"We will," Ziva said matter of factly.

"You don't know that for sure!"

"Abby, we are good at what we do. We _will_ find him."

"Ziva, once you get a list of Tony's enemies, pass them along," McGee said. "We'll cross reference them with the people who own Chevy vans."

"Let's hope that leads us somewhere," Ziva retorted.

"We have to have faith," Abby resolved.

"Abby…"

"No, Ziva. We have to trust. We will find Tony, and he will be okay."

"Abby, I was going to ask you to process the evidence from the fake scene we responded to today."

"Whoever set up the scene did it to grab Tony," McGee said, finishing Ziva's thought.

"I'm on it," Abby said, grabbing the evidence. "If there's anything to find, I will find it."

"Thanks, Abby." McGee and Ziva left, heading upstairs and back to the squad room. The two of them began to work on their lists, hoping to find something that might lead them to whoever had Tony.

* * *

Tony woke up in a blackened, concrete room with one window. The window had bars across it, and he felt like he was in a prison or a dungeon. He inhaled as deeply as he could, trying to further assess the situation. There was one door in the room, no doubt locked from the outside. He was tied to a metal chair in the room, his feet shackled to the legs while his hands were handcuffed to the back.

He didn't have anything on him but his pants and underwear. No guns, no knife, no shirt, and no shoes. The chair didn't move no matter how hard Tony tried to rock it, leading him to believe it was bolted to the floor. _There goes one escape route,_ he thought to himself.

There was a bed in the corner of the room, if you wanted to call it that. It looked more like a massage table made into a surgical table, with arm and leg shackles. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what that would be used for, but he had a feeling he'd find out soon enough.

Looking at the wall beside the table, there was a variety of whips, chains, boards, bats, clubs, and other weapons to beat someone with. A fireplace and chimney existed on the wall with the one window, and beside that, fire pokers. A cabinet with a fine display of assorted knives and swords sat on the wall with the door, as did a cabinet with guns. Both were locked with chains and biometric locks, something that only McGee could pick.

The more Tony looked around, the more desperate he began to feel in the situation. There was no way out, and judging from how strongly they had grabbed him, it'd be no problem for them to do whatever they felt like to Tony. They wouldn't even necessarily need to knock him out or incapacitate him. They were that much stronger than him.

Tony sighed softly, closing his eyes. He wasn't exactly the praying kind, but right now, as he felt himself in the desperate situation, he prayed for the strength to get through this until Gibbs and the team found him. Because he knew they would find him… just hopefully not before he was already dead.

* * *

"You better have a damn good reason for interrupting my meeting, Jethro," Jenny said angrily, walking into her office. Gibbs had stormed into MTAC and dragged her out, saying he needed to talk now.

"DiNozzo's been kidnapped," Gibbs said bluntly. Jenny stopped, turning to meet his gaze.

"When?"

"Today. From a crime scene."

"How?"

"He followed footsteps that lead him into the woods and to a dirt road. They grabbed him then."

"How long…?"

"Few hours. We're working this case."

"I'm not stopping you." Gibbs nodded, seeing the horror in the director's face as the news registered in her mind. "If you need anything from me…"

"Not from you," he said. She arched her eyebrows before she understood what he meant. She nodded, and he turned to walk away.

"Keep me posted on this, Jethro," she called to him as he started to leave. He turned at the door, giving her a nod before walking out of the room.


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: I am really sorry about the slow updates... I've slightly lost my muse for this story, and I've also been super busy. Check the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys continue to enjoy this story, and please know that reviews inspire me, so if you want more, leave me some reviews. :)

* * *

Chapter 2: Discovering

"Well, I have to admit, I'm surprised," Fornell said, sitting on the bench next to Gibbs. "It's not like you to want to meet with me."

"We have a problem, Tobias," Gibbs said solemnly.

"What is it, Jethro?"

"One of my agents was kidnapped from a crime scene. I need you to do some digging."

"Into DiNozzo's past?" Gibbs looked sharply at Fornell, who shrugged. "You wouldn't be acting like this if it was David or McGee." Gibbs didn't say anything, shaking his head.

"Not his past. My team has that covered, especially since the last time. I want you to look at the past of anyone and everyone on my team. Anyone who has a grudge against me or my team."

"That could take a while. You've certainly pissed off a lot of people."

"Yeah, I know."

"Why do you think this is more about your team than it is DiNozzo?"

"The scene we got called out to was a fake," Gibbs said, looking around the park. "There's no way the dirt bags who faked it could've known that Tony was going to follow the footprints they left."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Fornell said. Gibbs looked at him. "You train your team to know what they're doing, and they do the same thing at almost every crime scene you work. All someone had to do was follow DiNozzo enough to know that he usually shoots the scene and the perimeter. Hell, I already know that's what DiNozzo does at a crime scene, and I've only been there a few times."

"I still want to know…"

"Who would go after your team. I got that, and I'll put it at the top of my list."

"Thank you, Tobias."

"No problem, Jethro. Best of luck." Gibbs nodded as Fornell stood up, walking away without another word. None was needed- they'd be in touch soon enough. Gibbs sighed, leaning back on the bench.

"Where are you, Tony?" he whispered to himself as he stared out into the park and contemplated the answer himself.

* * *

Tony didn't know where he was, either. Just that he was trapped in a dungeon room that was growing in warmth as the fire flickered in the fireplace under the watchful eyes of his captors.

"So, a question," one of them, a tall, skinny man said. "Anthony. How does it feel?"

"What feel?" Tony asked.

"To be helpless. Trapped like an animal. At the mercy of someone else. How does that make you feel?"

"Why?"

"Do you feel hopeless? Broken? Scared, maybe? Does it bother you to know you may never make it out of this room alive?" Tony didn't answer, which seemed to please the skinny man. "Good. Welcome to the hell you put me through, Anthony."

"Why?"

"Why what? Why are you here? Why you? Why now? Which of these is your question?" Again, no response from Tony, and the skinny man chortled. "Why not? Why not you? Why not now?"

"What do you want from me?"

"Everything in due time, Anthony. Everything in due time. Now, it's time for us to show you some of our hospitality."

* * *

Gibbs walked into the bullpen, and Ziva and McGee snapped their heads up to look at him. "Do we have anything?" he grumbled.

"We cross referenced Tony's enemies with people who own or have rented black Chevy vans within the past day," McGee said. "Came up with a few names."

"One of them is Charles Starling," Ziva said.

"The guy that framed Tony for murder?" Gibbs said.

"The very same."

"But, he's still in prison," McGee said.

"As are a lot of Tony's enemies," Ziva said.

"So, we have nothing," Gibbs said.

"We're still looking," McGee told him.

"You better be, McGee." McGee's phone rang, and he glanced at Ziva before picking it up.

"McGee," he said into it.

"McGee, it's Abby. I think I found something."

"We'll be right down." He hung up, looking at Gibbs and Ziva. "Abby thinks she found something," he told them.

"Let's go," Gibbs said, walking to the elevator.

* * *

"I managed to pull a print off the pipe that was used to 'kill' our 'victim,'" Abby said, typing as she spoke. "It came back to a Charles Sterling, aka Chip."

"So, our print comes back to a guy in prison," Ziva said.

"If his print's on it, he's got to be involved."

"Let's go talk to him," Gibbs said, walking out.

"Find him, you guys," Abby said, and McGee hugged her gently.

"We will," he said.

"Let's go!" Gibbs called from outside the lab. McGee and Ziva followed quickly, and Abby turned back to the evidence before her, trying to find any other link to Tony.


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm sorry for the lack of updates, but I've been super busy. See first chapter for disclaimer. As always, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please please please review! :)

* * *

Chapter 3: Fighting

As Chip was led into the conference room, he smirked at Gibbs. "Long time no see, Agent Gibbs," he said.

"I'm not here for a reunion," Gibbs grunted. The guards sat Chip down, releasing his cuffs per Gibbs' request and leaving the room.

"Okay then. What are you here for?"

"DiNozzo."

"What about that scum sucker?"

Gibbs bent over, getting in Chip's face. "He's been kidnapped, and you're in on it."

Chip feigned sincerity as he said, "How can I be in on it? I'm in prison. You and your team put me here."

"Someone faked a crime scene. A pipe with your print on it was found at that crime scene. Tony was kidnapped from that crime scene."

"I had no part in that, Agent Gibbs." Gibbs stared Chip down as Chip stood up.

"Sit down," Gibbs said, forcing Chip back into the chair.

"You're not going to get anything out of me, Agent," Chip said, watching Gibbs walk around the room.

"I know you're involved. And if I don't get my agent back alive…"

"You'll do what? Incarcerate me? I'm already here. Kill me? You can't without ending up here yourself, which is something I know you don't want to do. So, tell me, Agent Gibbs. What are you going to do to me if you don't get Tony back alive?"

"I'll make your life a living hell," Gibbs said in a calmly threatening whisper. Chip smirked.

"I'm already living in hell, Agent Gibbs," Chip said. "So, good luck making it worse." Gibbs signaled for the guards, who came in and handcuffed Chip to bring him back to his cell.

"So, now what?" Ziva asked as Gibbs left the room.

"We go back to NCIS and see what else we can dig up," Gibbs snapped angrily. Ziva and McGee looked at one another, both noticing how much this was getting to Gibbs. They were all right there with him, as Tony was a staple in their team and he needed their help. Problem was, they weren't sure where else to go. Abby was still working on the evidence from the fake scene, and they silently prayed that something in there would help them out in finding Tony.

* * *

Tony lay sprawled on the floor, bleeding from more places than he thought possible. He painfully whimpered while alone in the room. He closed his eyes, sniffing back blood and wanting the pain to end. He fought to keep his mind focused on what he could do to survive rather than the pain he felt now.

He'd been there for over a day, he realized, as he looked at the sun coming up outside. The fire that had been built to keep him warm over the night was now nothing but a pile of smoldering ash, but the room still felt as hot as an oven. There was nowhere for the heat to go, and with the rising sun, the room was about to get hotter.

Tony sighed softly, rolling over onto his sore back. In truth, many parts of him were sore from many fights with his captors. One day into it, and he wasn't sure how he would survive many more.

The door creaked open, and the skinny man walked in. "Well, you're lively this morning," he said. Tony rolled his eyes.

"I'm just peachy," he groaned in his characteristic annoyed tone. The skinny man walked over, squatting next to Tony's head.

"You should be. We've got a lot more teaching to do, Anthony." The two big men came into the room, and Tony broke eye contact with the skinny man to glance quickly at them as they walked over.

"Lucky me." The henchmen walked over, and Tony eyed them. They knelt next to Tony, grabbing his arms. He fought against them as best he could, but he knew that he wouldn't win. The guys were much bigger than he was, and there were two of them. There was only one of him.

"Just relax, Anthony," the skinny man said. "If you do, this'll be a lot easier."

"You're a terrible liar," Tony replied.

"Just trust me, Anthony."

"Why in the hell would I trust you? You kidnapped me." One of the henchmen punched Tony in the face, and the skinny guy sighed, shaking his head.

"Either you trust me, or I'll kill you. It's a very simple game."

"Maybe I'd rather die, then."

The skinny guy laughed. "No, Anthony. I know you wouldn't. You want to get out of here, alive. There's things you haven't said to people. You've never told Ziva your true feelings for her. Never told McGee how much he means to you. Never told Gibbs that he's more like a father to you than anyone else."

"How do you know all this? Who are you?"

"Who I am isn't important, Anthony. This isn't about me."

"Then what the hell is it about?"

"Everything in due time, Anthony."

"You said that yesterday, and I'm wondering how long you actually plan to keep me here. You know I'll either die or get out of here long before you answer any of my questions."

"Maybe that's part of my plan, for all you know," the skinny guy mocked. Tony shook his head.

"I don't think so. Knowing you, you wouldn't tell me jack shit."

"That's not true. You need to trust me, Anthony. It's the only way you'll make it out of here alive." Tony shook his head again.

"I don't trust you at all."

"Well, that's your demise." The skinny man stood up, snapping his fingers. The henchman picked Tony up with ease, and the skinny man smiled. "Welcome to the next day of hell, Anthony."

* * *

Abby groaned, slamming her fist into the table. "Easy, Abby," McGee said, walking in.

"We have nothing, McGee," she said. "Nothing. Nothing to help Tony."

"Nothing yet."

"Nothing yet," she sighed in concession.

"You'll find something. You're great at what you do."

"What if I don't, McGee? What if…?"

"Don't think like that, Abby," McGee said, putting his hand on her shoulder gently.

"I'm sorry," she said with a sigh. "I'm just… I'm worried about him."

"We all are." Abby reached over, hugging McGee tightly. He wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her gently on the back. "We'll find him, Abby. I promise. We'll find him."

"What if he's not okay, though?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Abby nodded, giving McGee a gentle squeeze before letting go and turning back to her work. He sat with her, keeping her company for a bit because he knew that was what she needed at the moment.


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: I know, I haven't updated in forever, and I apologize. Life is kinda running me over right now. Alas, I refer you back to the first chapter for the disclaimer. As always, I hope you guys enjoy, and please review! It'll make me feel better and update faster ;)

* * *

Chapter 4: Freaking Out

The silence around her made her want to shudder, as much as looking at his empty desk across from her did. Ziva sighed, continuing tracking down people who had a vendetta against Tony. Again. She stole a quick glance at McGee, who was trying to focus on his own lead, and frowned internally. Perhaps he was as worried as she was? She couldn't be sure, so she turned back to her search.

McGee picked his head up from his computer, stealing a quick glance over at Ziva. He sighed, wondering what was going through her head. They were working on the second night of Tony not being there, which meant time was running out. If they didn't find him soon, they might not find him at all.

McGee swallowed, not wanting to think about that. They _would_ find Tony, and soon. They had to. Ziva looked up at McGee, who met Ziva's eyes. Both of them exchanged the same worried glance, as they both knew what time meant. If they hadn't found Tony by now, their chances of finding him alive were slim. Their chances of finding him at all were decreasing as well, with each passing second.

Abby came rushing into the bullpen, tears streaming down her face. McGee stood up, walking over to her. "Abby," he said gently.

"I can't find anything, McGee," she said. "I can't, and I need to, but there's nothing to find."

"Abby, calm down."

"I can't. What if we don't find him?"

"We will find him, Abby," Ziva said, standing and walking over.

"How can you be so sure?" Abby asked. "We have nothing, Ziva."

"Nothing yet, Abby. We will find something, and it will lead us to Tony. I have no doubt about it."

"But…"

"Ziva's right, Abbs," McGee said gently. "We'll find something." He hugged her gently, stroking her back softly as she started to calm down.

"I hope you guys are right," she whispered softly. McGee and Ziva exchanged glances, both thinking the same thing.

They hoped they were right, too.

* * *

Gibbs sighed, sanding down a part of his boat. As he worked, his mind raced, as it often did. So far, their best lead had been Chip… who hadn't been much of a lead at all. Still, Gibbs felt in his gut that Chip was involved somehow. He just didn't know how yet.

He paused his sanding as his mind reverted to Tony. Gibbs knew his senior agent was tough, and if anyone could survive this, he could.

Physically, anyway.

Gibbs knew psychologically would be a different beast altogether. He had a feeling Tony would get through this, though, because his team would all be there to help him. Whatever had to be done, they'd get Tony through this.

He just hoped they'd have the chance.

He began to sand the boat again, trying to chase those thoughts out of his head. They'd find Tony in time. His team was good. They'd come up with something, and it would lead them to Tony.

They'd find him.

* * *

Tony sighed, his naked body shivering against the cool steel of the table. His hands and feet were bound to the table, meaning he was trapped at the mercy of his captors. He shuddered, his torso moving but his extremities stuck where they were. He wanted to fight, wanted to break free, but couldn't. He was far too weak for that now.

He closed his eyes against the solitude of the room, wincing at the sharp pain that ran through his skull. After a moment, the pain became nothing more than the dull drone of a headache, and Tony found himself being thankful for that. The more his head hurt, the less likely he was to focus on trying to get out of there.

The problem was, he hadn't come up with anything in two days.

Even when he was alone in the room, he was bound, shackled to something, so he couldn't go anywhere. He couldn't even reach the door. He had no weapons, nothing on him (literally) to use to break free from the room or the bonds, and basically no way out.

He sighed painfully, tears stinging his eyes at the realization. He was stuck. There really was no way out. He either had to wait for the team to find him, or wait for his captors to kill him. Those were his only options.

And that's what scared him more than anything.

* * *

Gibbs didn't bother to look up as he heard footsteps on his stairs. "Do you always just let yourself in?" he asked.

"Do you always not answer your doorbell and leave your front door unlocked?" Fornell countered, making his way fully into the basement.

"What do you have?"

"Charles Starling."

"Already spoke to him. Swears up and down he didn't have anything to do with it, but I need something I can nail him on."

"I assume your team is working on that."

Gibbs shot one of his famous stares at Fornell, who shrugged.

"Just saying," Fornell said.

"Of course they're on it," Gibbs replied, turning back to the boat and sanding.

"Second name that came up was Richard Waters, a gunnery sergeant."

"I remember the name."

"He served with you in Desert Storm. You busted him for dealing drugs, he was dishonorably discharged."

"Right."

"He's now living in the Metro area, and by all indications, he hates your guts."

"He did back then," Gibbs said with a shrug.

"He still does," Fornell said, sitting down on the stool. "His buddies say that Richard will stop at nothing to get back at you."

"Including kidnapping a member of my team?"

"Looks that way."

Gibbs fell silent, the only noise coming from the sandpaper going with the grain of the boat. Fornell watched, wondering how he would react if he was in Gibbs' position.

"Why him, Tobias?" Gibbs asked suddenly. Fornell shrugged.

"I don't know," he said. "Do I look like Ducky?"

Gibbs picked his head up, cutting a glance at Fornell while the other man shrugged.

"Truth is, Jethro, DiNozzo's your senior field agent," Fornell continued. "He's worked with you for a number of years. If someone wanted to affect you the most, wouldn't they take out the top of your team?"

Gibbs didn't say anything, and Fornell shrugged.

"Exactly," Fornell said. "I'll see what else I can dig up."

"Thanks, Tobias," Gibbs said.

"Yep." Fornell walked up the stairs, leaving Gibbs alone in the basement to ponder what exactly was going to happen now.


	6. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry it's been so long between updates... My computer died, and I had to get a new one... I'm back up and running (for the most part) again. :D See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter (even though it is a little short), and please review! :)

* * *

Chapter 5: Discovering, Part 2

Fornell sat at his desk, looking into Richard Waters' past and present. He couldn't find any other meeting between Waters and Gibbs, and wasn't sure if this was really the guy to be looking for.

But, he had a feeling it was.

Something in the file about Waters made Fornell uncomfortable. This guy hated Gibbs, which wasn't unusual, given that Gibbs was a bastard. What was unusual was that Richard Waters had priors for accessory to kidnapping and accessory to murder, both of which came after the Marine Corps discharged him.

Fornell sighed, straightening up. Somewhere along the line, Richard had to come into contact with Charles Starling. That's the only reason Charles would have been involved. The question was, where and how did they meet?

*~*~*~*

Ziva and McGee sat together, looking at the visitor logs from the prison. Both of them were looking into Chip's logs, trying to find someone, anyone, who might lead them to Tony. Gibbs walked into the bullpen.

"What do we have?" he asked, grumbling.

"We're looking through Chip's visitor's logs," Ziva said.

"So far, though, no one's standing out," McGee said.

"Check for Richard Waters," Gibbs said. Both Ziva and McGee looked at one another before quickly searching his name against the log.

"Richard Waters has visited Chip 18 times in the last 8 months," Ziva said.

"Richard's in on it with Chip."

"I found something!" Abby said, running into the bullpen. "Okay, so I looked closer at the crime scene evidence, and I found this swab that McGee had collected near the 'body'. It turns out it was urine, and we got lucky, because there was DNA in the urine. Came back to a Richard Waters, a guy arrested as an accessory to kidnapping and murder seven years ago."

"That bastard has Tony," Gibbs said, looking at his team.

"Let's find him," McGee said, typing into his computer. "Cross-referencing DMV database, seeing what we can pull up."

Fornell walked in, much to the surprise of Ziva and McGee. Abby made her way back to the lab to see if she could find any trace of where they might have taken Tony.

"Anything?" Gibbs asked Fornell.

"Starling hired Waters," he replied. "Offered Waters his soul in exchange for kidnapping DiNozzo. But kidnapping wasn't the only thing. To close the deal, Waters has to prove DiNozzo's dead."

"We'll find them before that happens." No one replied, choosing instead to work on finding the answer to the question of where Tony was.

*~*~*~*

Tony watched as the skinny man walked in, alone again, smirking. "It's about time you learn some things, Anthony," he said.

"I already know you're an asshole," Tony replied. The skinny man chuckled.

"I've been called that before, yes. My name, though, is Richard Waters. I'm here teaching you a lesson. More importantly, I'm serving out the lessons of others on you. Many people wanted to see this happen to you, Tony."

"Who?"

"Everything in due time. Suffice to say, for now, that many, many people wanted this to happen to you. Many paid me for this. And, frankly, they've paid me for more than I've given them." Richard smirked, pulling out his knife and slowly running the blade down Tony's cheek. He didn't use enough pressure to make a cut, just enough so Tony felt it.

"You're not going to kill me."

"Sure I am."

"My team will find me."

Richard chortled, shaking his head. "You're still holding onto that delusion?" he asked Tony. Tony didn't respond, and Richard laughed again. "They'll never find you. And they can't help you even if they do find you. You're going to be dead soon, Anthony."

"No, I won't." Richard's henchmen walked in, cracking their knuckles.

"Would you care to make a wager on that?" Richard asked. Tony said nothing, and Richard smirked. "I didn't think so." One of the henchmen punched Tony across the face, and the young man groaned. "Fear not, Anthony. It'll all be over soon."

*~*~*~*

Abby sat in the lab, looking at something under a magnifying glass while she waited for the mass spec to give her something. Palmer and Ducky walked in, both with grim looks on their faces.

"Do we have anything?" Ducky asked.

"We have a name," Abby said, looking up. "Richard Waters."

"But nothing on where he is."

"Not yet." Palmer sank against the wall, and Ducky leaned over the table. "I'm still working, though," Abby said, concern etched into her features.

"Yes, of course, my dear," Ducky said. The three of them fell silent for the moment, before Abby spoke up again.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" she asked softly.

"He's strong. He'll be okay."

"What if he's not?" Palmer asked. Abby frowned.

"Jimmy, don't think like that!" Abby said.

"You are, though. We all are. I just happened to say it."

"Jimmy, I'm trying to have hope. We all are."

"I'm hoping, but I can't help but think of the possibilities. He's been missing for two days now. The likelihood of him coming back okay…"

"I know, it decreases with every minute." Abby sighed, looking down.

"This is Anthony we're talking about," Ducky said. "We'll find him, and he'll be okay. He's strong. He'll get through this." Palmer and Abby nodded, sighing and exchanging long glances of hope for finding something.


	7. Chapter 6

A/N: Ask, and you shall receive! Another rather short chapter, but nonetheless. See first chapter for disclaimer. As always, I hope you enjoy, and please review! :)

* * *

Chapter 6: Rescue Me

Tony looked around the room with glazed eyes, feeling slightly unconscious. The henchmen stood back, with Richard watching and waiting. "Are you ready to give up yet, Anthony?" Richard asked, bored.

"DiNozzo's…" Tony began, before being cut off by a painful cough. He felt the blood from the cut in his mouth choke him slightly, and he coughed harder. "DiNozzo's don't give up," he managed.

"Your loss," Richard droned, rolling his eyes. The henchmen continued their particularly brutal assault, and Tony wondered just how much more his body would take before reaching the ultimate end.

He was afraid of that.

*~*~*~*

"I've got something!" Abby declared, causing Palmer and Ducky to jump. "I think I know where they have him!" She rushed out of the lab, running up the stairs to the bullpen. The two of them followed her, and found her causing quite a stir in the bullpen by the time they got up there.

"What is it, Abbs?" Gibbs asked softly. Fornell, Ziva, and McGee also watched with curiosity.

"I was taking another look at the evidence from the original scene, and I found in the footprint treads a strange trace. I ran it, and it came back as firemen's foam."

"So, they are holding him in a burned out building?" Ziva asked.

"There's more," Abby said. "There was also a type of mold attached to it, and this mold only likes to grow in cold, dark climates, like a basement. So, I was looking into burned buildings, and I found that Chip's old house had suffered a fire recently… not enough to completely destroy the building, but enough to bring the fire department and use foam. The house has a basement, and is right on the water, where it's cool and damp this time of year." She produced the paper, and Gibbs took it quickly, kissing her on the cheek.

"Great work, Abby," he said softly. Ziva, McGee, and Fornell grabbed their gear and headed toward the elevator, following Gibbs. They were bringing their agent home one way or another.

*~*~*~*

The agents surrounded the house, with Fornell sticking to the front with Gibbs while Ziva and McGee prepared to enter through the back. The guards were easy enough for the teams to take out, as they were not as big as the henchmen downstairs. The two teams met up in the house, planning their entrance into the basement.

*~*~*~*

Richard and the henchmen heard the gunfight upstairs, followed by the silence. Realizing quickly that they were under attack, they left the now-unconscious Tony to prepare to ambush the group of people walking down the stairs.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs and Fornell led the way down the stairs, both prepared for any ambush that may come from whoever was guarding Tony down there. The rest of the house had already been deemed to be clear, and now it was a matter of saving Gibbs' senior field agent. They entered the basement carefully, walking slowly into the first room. The room was clear, but the second door was closed.

Without warning, the door burst open, and Richard immediately opened fire. Gibbs, Fornell, Ziva, and McGee ducked for cover while firing back, hitting Richard and the henchmen as they made their way through the door. Within moments, the firefight was over, and the henchmen laid dead on the floor alongside Richard.

Gibbs immediately rushed into the back room, holstering his weapon while Fornell radioed in for EMTs and other backup. Ziva and McGee made their way to the door, finding themselves unable to walk any further in.

Tony laid on the table, covered in blood and nothing else. As Gibbs worked to unchain him, he stirred quietly, looking over at him. "Boss," he said, his voice tired and hoarse. Ziva turned away, calling Ducky downstairs. McGee bit his lip at the weakness in Tony's voice, and Fornell turned his back to Gibbs and Tony.

"It's okay, Tony," Gibbs said. "You're safe now."

"I'm sorry, Boss," Tony said, his voice growing weaker.

"Not your fault."

Tony didn't get a chance to refute that statement as he slipped back into the land of the unconscious. Gibbs sighed, putting his hand on Tony's.

"Hang in there, DiNozzo."

*~*~*~*

Ducky came rushing in, carrying his medical bag with him. He halted slightly at the sight of Tony lying on the table, covered in his own blood. Ducky felt his heart drop into his stomach as he sighed deeply. "Oh, my dear boy," he breathed softly, frowning. Gibbs took a few steps back but continued to hold Tony's hand. Ducky quickly began to clean and assess Tony's injuries, doing his best to patch up the young man in the field. The doctors at the hospital could do better when Tony got there, and Ducky was going to make sure he got there.

The paramedics were the next to rush into the scene, seeing Ducky bandaging him up. Quickly, and with Ducky's help, they got Tony onto the stretcher and out into the ambulance. Gibbs went with him, leaving the team to do their job in the wake of their discovery.


	8. Chapter 7

A/N: I'm sorry to take so long between updates... I've been really busy, coupled with being stricken with Writer's Block. I wholeheartedly apologize. See the first chapter for the disclaimer and warnings. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 7: Sinking In

Ducky stood with Tony's doctors at the ER, talking with them about the best course of treatment. Gibbs watched from a distance, standing beside Tony's stretcher/bed. His senior agent lay unconscious before him, and he stood back, just watching the staff of the ER attend to Tony. All Gibbs could think was one thing.

He had failed Tony.

*~*~*~*

Ziva sat in the waiting room, watching McGee stare out the window. Abby paced back and forth anxiously, worry and fear dripping from her every feature. Palmer sat on another couch, head bent down to stare at his feet sadly. Ziva sighed, trying not to let her fears be seen to anyone in the room. The last thing she needed was to be so open right now and let everyone know she was scared.

The image of Tony lying unconscious on the table was forever burned into her brain. The smell of burned flesh and blood was stuck in her nose. The image of the bright red blood contrasting against Tony's pale, lifeless flesh made her shiver internally. She wasn't sure she'd ever get that image out.

She felt she'd failed him.

She was his partner. She was supposed to watch his back. And she let him get kidnapped from a crime scene. He was tortured nearly to death, and she had been helpless to do anything. In the end, it had been Abby who came through and saved Tony. No one else.

And for that, Ziva felt bad.

Jenny walked into the waiting room, finding the team sitting out there. "Why are you guys waiting here?" she asked.

"This is where Ducky and Gibbs told us to wait," McGee replied softly, as he was the first to find his voice. Jenny sighed, sitting down with the team.

"How bad is he?"

"He is…" Ziva began, before finding her words slightly choked off. "He is not well," she managed. Jenny looked at the Mossad officer.

"What do you mean, Ziva?" she asked.

"He was pretty beat up, Director," McGee said. "Unconscious… bleeding…" His voice trailed off as Abby covered her face with her hands, still pacing the room. Palmer rubbed his hand over his hair, and Ziva looked at her lap. McGee continued to stare out the window, and he sighed deeply. "He really didn't look good. I don't know what they did to him, but…"

"He is definitely going to have a way to travel from here," Ziva finished for McGee. Jenny sighed deeply, running her hands over her face gently.

"How are you guys?" she asked softly.

"We'll be better when we know something," Abby said tearfully. Jenny watched the group nod in agreement.

As if on cue, Ducky walked into the waiting room. Ziva, Jenny, and Palmer stood up, Abby stopped pacing, and McGee turned away from the window.

"How is he, Ducky?" Jenny asked.

"He's not good, Director," Ducky replied, sighing softly. "Anthony has some extensive bruising. He has two broken ribs, a fractured tibia, and a broken wrist. Multiple lacerations, burn marks, dehydration… he's in rough shape. He should make it, though. Physically, he should be okay."

"And emotionally…?"

"That remains to be seen, Director." The group looked at one another with Ducky's words, frowning. Tears stung Abby's eyes and quickly began to fall. McGee went back to staring out the window as Palmer began to comfort Abby. Ziva looked down at the floor while Jenny and Ducky talked quietly about Tony.

Ziva's mind raced with possibilities of what the men did to Tony. Burns. Broken bones. Cuts. Bruises. Dehydration. No doubt in her mind he was tortured rather extensively by his captors. She hadn't doubted that since she saw him in that room, bound to that table. But still, one though kept popping into the forefront of her mind.

She had failed him.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs sat with Tony in his hospital room, refusing to leave his agent's side. Never had he felt before like he had ever failed DiNozzo. Truth be told, it was hard to feel that he could fail the resilient agent. It was like failing Ziva… it was hard to do. Tony was always good about holding his own.

But Gibbs had heard the doctor.

Tony had massive internal injuries, some of them unknown to the rest of the team, per Gibbs' request. He knew Tony wouldn't want the entire team knowing. Gibbs had made sure it stayed between him, Ducky, and Tony. Not even Jenny could know.

Tony wouldn't want her to know.

He glanced down at the pale form of his senior field agent, wrapped in bandages with IVs coming out of him. He loosely grasped the hand closest to him, hoping that Tony would actually know he was there. Gibbs sighed, rubbing his thumb gently over Tony's knuckles. The only part of his body that wasn't damaged.

Gibbs knew they didn't give Tony a chance to fight back. If they had, they never would've been able to inflict so much damage onto him. He stared at the closed eyes and semi-peaceful face of his senior field agent, knowing that the peace in his mind came from the medications swirling through his bloodstream. Peaceful nights were going to be few and far between for Tony coming up soon.

The door to the room quietly creaked open, and Ducky entered with a heavy sigh. "I told them about his condition," he said quietly.

"How'd they take it?" Gibbs asked. Usually, he didn't care, but today… with everything… his team's health in all aspects was his main concern.

"Director Shepard had many questions. Timothy stared out the window, Ziva stared at the floor. Abigail started crying, and Mr. Palmer tried to comfort her."

Gibbs heaved a particularly heavy sigh. He should be out there, taking care of his team. But Tony was part of his team too, and he needed his help more. "They asking questions?" he asked, thrusting his inner turmoil to the back burner for now.

"No one except our Director," Ducky answered as he sat down against the windowsill. "The rest seemed too… stunned."

"You told them he'd be okay?"

"I told them the truth, Jethro. He'll be okay physically."

"Yeah," Gibbs sighed with a nod. "They don't know?"

"No. Not even the Director."

Gibbs nodded again, going back into his mind as he continued to stroke Tony's knuckles gently. Ducky knew Gibbs was so in his thoughts that he didn't realize what his hand was doing. It was like watching a father with his son. Speaking of which…

"Should we alert Tony's family?" Ducky asked suddenly.

"He doesn't have one," Gibbs replied softly. "His mother died when he was 12. His father died shortly after he joined us. He was an only child."

"We're the only family he has," Ducky concluded. Gibbs nodded, staring at Tony.

_And we failed him,_ Gibbs thought. _I failed him. He's here because of me. Because Richard Waters was after me. At least I killed the bastard._

"I'm going to go get some tea," Ducky said softly, interrupting Gibbs' musings. "Can I get you some coffee?"

Gibbs absently nodded, and heard the door squeak as Ducky left the room. He sighed softly, biting back the rare sad frown that threatened to take over his features. "I let you down," he whispered to his senior field agent.

*~*~*~*

Ducky disappeared from the hallway, exiting the hospital to find a coffee shop. There was no way Gibbs would go for hospital coffee, and they never had any good tea anyway. He walked the empty, silent streets quietly, struggling internally with tonight's news. He silently prayed Tony would be okay, but he had to admit, he was worried.

Tony had been badly hurt. It would take a lot to get him back to a level where he would function as a federal agent. If they could get him back to that level. Ducky smirked to himself as the next thought popped into his head.

Gibbs would never give up on Tony.


	9. Chapter 8

A/N: I'm sorry for the slow updates... school is starting again and it's also getting in the way. I apologize profusely. This chapter gets into the heart of the matter of the story (and more will come, but slowly), so you'll be able to better understand what's going on with Tony. I'm not an expert in psychology (I've only taken a few courses), so the information might not be perfect, but I promise that it's mostly accurate (as I've done my research). As previously, see the first chapter for the disclaimer. And, as always, I hope you enjoy, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 8: Silence

The room was stiflingly dark as he sat there, staring at the agent lying in the bed before him. The only noise in the room came from the IV pump as it pushed fluids into Tony's veins. Gibbs sighed, looking at the still form of his normally bouncy, annoying senior field agent.

It felt more wrong than he could say.

Tony hadn't moved on his own since he had arrived in the hospital three days ago. The nurses came in periodically to check on him and carefully change his position, but Tony was still. He didn't react. In fact, as far as Gibbs knew, he hadn't woken up once since he had gotten there. And Gibbs would know if he had. The doctors didn't seem to be too concerned with Tony not waking up, deducing that the medications were keeping him well sedated.

The rest of Gibbs' team was worried, though.

Gibbs had been absently staring at Tony when the younger man began to twitch. He looked at Tony's face, finding it clenched tightly. Gibbs picked up Tony's hand, allowing the agent to know Gibbs was there with him.

Tony wasn't alone.

*~*~*~*

_Hot. Sticky. Grimy. Gross._

_His skin felt like it was covered in sweat, dirt, and who knows what else. Pain seared through his senses, numbing him to the core. He felt someone hovering over him, and he tensed a little more before feeling a rough, calloused hand grasp his. From many a days of head slaps and the rare handshakes, he knew that hand anywhere._

_Gibbs._

_Gibbs' presence meant he was no longer there. He was out of that room, that prison, that dungeon. Out of the pit akin to the one in _The Silence of the Lambs_. He was free. Safe._

_So why couldn't he wake up?_

_He commanded his eyes to open, hoping to prove it to himself. Nothing. Pain coursed through his veins, followed rapidly by fear and blind panic. This wasn't real. Gibbs' hand on his wasn't real. He was still in Richard's clutches, in the dungeon, the grime and heat still clinging to his flesh. His tired soul._

_With a final gasp, he snapped his eyes open. He looked around the room, taking in the badly painted walls and horribly contrasting curtains. The tray table wasn't far from him, the TV straight ahead, and all the necessary medical equipment was to his side. Gibbs was still sitting next to him, holding his hand, but something wasn't right._

_He wasn't there._

_It was hard to explain what Tony was feeling. He was there, looking at the room, but he felt disconnected. Scared. It wasn't just that the world was there. The world was out to get him, out to hurt him. If he ever left this room, he'd be killed… or worse. And no one would help him._

_The fearful thoughts swirled around his head, drawing him further away from the world. Gibbs' hand on his felt like it was happening to someone else. His voice was almost a million miles away. And as the doctors and nurses came into the room and surrounded his bed, he felt himself drift even further away, to the only place he knew to go to._

_The only place he felt safe._

*~*~*~*

"Agent DiNozzo?" one of the doctors said, putting his hand on Tony's shoulder. Tony blinked, but said nothing. One of the nurses somehow managed to convince Gibbs to let go of Tony's hand and step back while they assessed Tony. Gibbs listened as they talked to Tony, about Tony, and jabbed him occasionally. Trying to get Tony to react to something, do something, say something.

Nothing.

After some assessment, the team of doctors turned to Gibbs. "We're not exactly sure what's going on," the one who first spoke to Tony, his actual physician, said. He was a young man, probably not long out of school, and the older man beside him (whose coat identified him as Neurology) sighed. The woman next to him, who was in her mid to late 30s and apparently from Psychiatry, shrugged herself.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Gibbs grunted. Sometimes, he really hated doctors.

"His pupils react to light, and he flinches to close them, as we would expect. As anyone would when you shine a light in their eyes. He flinches as you would expect with reflexes, indicating the reflex arcs are intact. In other words, we don't think there's any damage to the spinal column."

"Your point?" The young man was definitely wearing on Gibbs' already thin patience.

"He is unresponsive to most stimuli. He's not speaking, he doesn't notice hot or cold, he's not reacting to pressure or pain. He's not moving on his own, not swallowing, nothing voluntary. Essentially, his body's only doing the functions it's programmed to do since we're born- breathe and sleep. Anything Tony himself has to consciously control, his body's not doing it."

"Our tests have shown no brain damage," the older man said. "His physical state isn't causing this. His EEG and CT scan were normal, there was no sign of heavy blunt force trauma. Nothing that would indicate him being in this state."

"So, why is he?" Gibbs asked. The young man looked nervously at the older man, and the woman sighed.

"My guess?" she said. "Physically, his body's ready for him to be awake and at least show that he's still okay. Emotionally, he's not ready for that. In severe traumatic cases, a person can become catatonic- essentially, their body does only things it's programmed to do. Anything that's a learned behavior and requires conscious thought doesn't get done. I don't know all the circumstances surrounding him being in the hospital here, but given his physical condition, I'm willing to venture a guess and say that this is the case with him.

"Victims of severe trauma need time to process what has happened to them," she continued. "In some cases, they will retreat inside themselves to a place where they feel safe. In their mind, if they can't feel the world around them, the world around them can't hurt them. I think this is what we have here, Agent Gibbs. In cases like this, they are unaware of anything being done to them." She stepped forward, putting her hand on Tony's wrist. She gently lifted it up off the bed. "They also don't realize that their position has changed, and they don't know to put things back." She let go of his wrist, demonstrating her point as Tony's arm remained in the air. "They aren't dead weight, and the arm will hold itself there as long as you let it." She put Tony's arm back on the bed before turning back to Gibbs.

"Is it permanent?" he asked. She smiled slightly, shaking her head.

"Not at all," she assured him. "Victims who become catatonic usually come out of it, either by a trigger or by themselves. The goal is to get to them when they do and help them deal with whatever trauma put them there before they relapse into it again. However, I must preach patience to you. Your agent is going to have a long road ahead of him if it's what I think it is."

"Yeah."

The doctors muttered a few other things, including theories of running more tests just to make sure it was, in fact, psychiatric in nature and not something they missed, and Gibbs merely nodded. He had to admit, though, that he was pretty sure the female doctor before him was right. Tony never talked about anything he was going through when it was a serious issue. It made sense that when dealing with something even heavier, the only place he'd be was within himself.

The doctors left, and Gibbs sighed. He looked at Tony, who was now sitting up in bed after the assessment. Tony blinked silently, and Gibbs sat down next to him on the bed. "DiNozzo," he said softly. Tony blinked, but didn't move. He didn't turn his head to acknowledge that Gibbs spoke. He did nothing. "Tony." Again, nothing.

Gibbs sighed. Part of him wanted to head-slap him, thinking that would break Tony out of it. But part of him knew that would only make things worse. Pain and trauma had gotten Tony here. It wouldn't take him out of it.

*~*~*~*

"How is he?" Abby asked, practically ambushing him the second he walked into the bull pen. McGee and Ziva looked over to where their boss had just arrived.

"He's awake," Gibbs said. Abby squealed happily, McGee smiled, and Ziva waited for the other shoe to drop as she caught sight of Gibbs' hesitation.

"But?" she asked.

"He's in a catatonic state."

"What does that mean?" Abby asked as Ziva flinched.

"It means…"

*~*~*~*

Ducky sighed, sitting next to Tony's bed. The younger man simply stared at the powered on TV silently. "I'm so sorry, Anthony," Ducky said. He picked up Tony's hand, squeezing it gently. Tony still stared at the TV, not reacting. "I know you can hear us, and I know you're scared, but we're here to help you."

Nothing.

Ducky sighed again. "I don't expect much. You were traumatized, and it's understandable that you don't want to deal with anything right now. We're all worried about you." He gently squeezed Tony's hand, and the younger man blinked. "I hope I didn't hurt you. You're in enough pain as it is, I imagine. I suppose it might help you to know that only Gibbs and I know the whole story."

Tony blinked again, and Ducky knew that it wasn't out of recognition, but mere reflex.

"I would love to stay longer, but I have to get into work. I hate to leave, because I know you need us, though. However, there is a job to be done, and perhaps one of the more interesting cases of our time working together. I'll have to tell you more about it later when we wrap this case, but let me leave you with this, at least- there appears to be a meat grinder involved. Gruesome, yes, but I think that you might find it interesting. I'll tell you all about it later, I promise. As for me leaving, I'm sure someone will be by shortly to see you. Know that no matter what, Anthony, you are never alone." Ducky stood up, squeezing Tony's hand again gently. "Take care, my boy. I'll be by to see you again soon." He left the agent staring at the TV, silent and blinking every so often out of necessity.


	10. Chapter 9

A/N: Again, I'm very sorry for slow updates. Unfortunately, I've been really busy with everything with school and work, including family fun. Anyway, see the first chapter for the disclaimer. As always, enjoy, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 9: Awkward Moments

Jenny nodded at the security guards manning the front door. She made her way to the elevators, sighing as she pressed the up button. She hated hospitals. She entered the elevator, pressing the button for Tony's floor. The ride was short as the bad feeling in her stomach grew. She walked up to the nurses' station, looking at an older woman. "I'm Jenny Shepard," she said.

"I know," the woman replied. "We met the other day. I'm sorry, ma'am, there's been no change in his condition." The woman stood up, walking around the desk. "The tests came back negative. They're certain that his inability to react is due to psychiatric causes."

"And he hasn't come out of it?"

"No, not yet. And, since he has medical needs and the psychiatric ward is full, he's staying here with us." The two women stood in Tony's doorway, looking at him. Tony stared ahead at the TV, which was playing _Magnum, P.I._ "Agent McGee came in earlier this week, said _Magnum_ was Tony's favorite TV show when he was a kid. He asked that we keep it on for him, and we were happy to do that."

"Thank you."

"You can sit with him, talk to him. With some patients, that works to help them. Things they recognize are helpful to them as well. That's if they do actually hear you…"

"Okay."

"I'll leave you now," the nurse said, walking away.

"Thanks," Jenny said, stepping forward into the room but still standing by the door. She watched as Tony breathed and blinked. According to the doctors, that was all he was capable of right now. It felt odd to be watching him like this. It was like watching a shell of Tony exist. He wasn't Tony if he wasn't bouncing off the walls, or quoting some movie that most of existence hadn't heard of, or annoying everyone around him.

This wasn't Tony.

She took a seat in the chair by his bed, looking at the man before her. "Hey Tony," she said softly. It felt weird to know that he wasn't going to respond. Tony blinked, but did nothing more. "It's me, Jenny. I don't know if you can hear me… the doctors haven't told us either way… but I think you can…"

*~*~*~*

_The director was here to see him again. And boy, was she uncomfortable._

_He had seen that with McGee and Abby, too. Though, Abby sat on his bed and put her arms around him. McGee simply sat where Jenny was now, doing pretty much what Jenny was doing now. Nervously talking to try to reach him._

_He heard them. He just didn't want to talk back. He couldn't be sure that he was okay, that he was safe. This felt like one big, long dream that he'd wake up from any moment and find that he was still in that room._

_And the things they did to him…_

_He didn't want to think about it. He couldn't think about it. Thinking about it meant it happened. If he sat here in his distanced state, nothing happened. He wasn't hurt. He couldn't feel Jenny's hand on his arm. He stopped feeling people's presences last week, when he first entered into this state._

_He wanted to stay here. It was warm. It was safe. He didn't hurt. Nothing could hurt him because he couldn't feel. The nurses could poke him with all the needles they wanted. He couldn't feel it._

_He liked it here._

_Plus, he didn't have to think about what was going on. Truth be told, in this state, he wasn't doing much thinking. More or less, he was doing a lot of ignoring. When the ignoring wore him out, he shut his eyes and the world gave way to his dreams. The world was as real to him as _Magnum_ was when he was a kid. Something he watched and wanted to be in, but out of his reach._

_It was like he had a bird's eye view rather than the scope of his ever-trained vision. Blinking didn't happen in his view. It was like watching a TV show or a movie. He never missed a beat, a movement, an entrance, or an exit. Nor did he really miss a word of what anyone said to him._

_Though, sometimes, he wished it came with subtitles…_

*~*~*~*

She sighed, resting back against the chair. "I wish I could be of some help to you, Tony," she said, watching him. He blinked. "I also wish I could just be in your head, to know what's going on. I wish you could say something."

Nothing.

Jenny sighed again, rubbing her hand up and down his bicep. "We're all here for you when you need us. You know that."

Still nothing.

Jenny chose to let the room be engulfed by this silence, because she wasn't sure what more to say. And Tony certainly wasn't going to say anything. She kept her hand absently stroking his arm, thinking about his predicament.

There was a chance that even if he did recover from this, he wouldn't be a good agent anymore. She knew Gibbs would never give up on Tony, but she had to think about him and the agency. If Tony was even the slightest suggestion of a risk, she couldn't let him come back. Yet, at the same time, the agency needed an agent like Tony.

Tony was the kind of agent that yes, he may annoy the living hell out of you, but he always had your best intentions in mind. He cared a lot about his friends, and would sacrifice almost anything for the people he worked with. They were his family, and, as she had come to know, the only one he had. He would die for them.

And here he was.

He wasn't dead, by any means. He was simply dead to the world. He was locked so far down inside himself that she wasn't sure he'd ever get out. She had to believe that he would, though. It wasn't hopeless.

This was Tony she was talking about.

He was probably the most resilient person she'd ever met. He'd been beaten up several times in the line of duty, shot at, shot… hell, he even had the plague. And he was still here, still alive, still the same despite what happened to him. He'd bounce back from this.

He just needed time.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs watched his team try to function without DiNozzo. They've had to do it before, but not like this. They were all worried about him coming back as Tony, not as the shell he was now. And they weren't sure how that was going to happen. They knew that he was worse than the thought he was, and that scared them too.

Gibbs knew Tony would bounce back from this. He had no choice. Gibbs wouldn't let Tony remain down. He would get Tony through this. He had to. Gibbs had already let Tony down once. He wasn't about to do it again.

But, he needed a break.

"Go home," Gibbs barked to the team. McGee and Ziva looked at one another. "Get some rest. See you in the morning." The two agents continued to look at one another, and Gibbs groaned. "Do I have to tell you twice?"

"No, boss," McGee replied, standing. Ziva followed suit, and both of them grabbed their gear and left. Gibbs leaned back in his chair, sighing before deciding to get up and go work on his boat. He needed something better today.

Once at home, he put on the idiot box for the sole purpose of the basement not being eerily quiet and began to work on the boat. After a few minutes, he heard footsteps creaking up stairs, slowly making their way to the basement. As they came down the stairs, Gibbs wondered who would bother him.

"I figured you'd be here," Fornell said. Gibbs sighed.

"Where else would I be, Tobias?" he replied. Fornell shrugged.

"At the hospital with your agent."

"Ziva and McGee were going there after work. It's better if they have alone time there."

"You'll see him later?"

"Something like that."

"You can't avoid it forever, Jethro."

"I'm not avoiding it."

"Then what are you doing?"

Gibbs sighed, looking up at Fornell. "I'm working on my boat," he said.

"Trying to think, or trying to forget?" Fornell countered.

"Think."

"About?"

"Are you trying to be my shrink, Tobias?"

"I'm trying to help you."

"I'm fine. I don't need help. Tony's the one that needs help."

"Has he spoken yet?"

Gibbs cut a glance at Fornell, trying to remember when he had told him about Tony's condition.

"Word travels fast, Gibbs. Something like this happens to an agent, everyone knows. Has he said anything yet?"

"No, he hasn't," Gibbs said.

"Anything?"

"Nothing."

"I'm sorry, Jethro. I know how you feel about apologies, but I don't care."

"You never do," Gibbs said with a smirk.

"Now, that's not true," Fornell said. "I'm not as big of a bastard as you."

Gibbs chuckled. "Ya think, Tobias?"

Both men laughed quietly in the rather silent basement. After the laughter died down, Fornell turned to Gibbs. "What I think is you need to talk to your team," he said. "See how they're doing."

"I already know how they're doing," Gibbs replied.

"You don't always know everything, Jethro."

*~*~*~*

She watched as McGee left the room, falling silent as she sat in the darkened corner. McGee never had realized she was there. She turned her attention back to Tony, watching him as he stared ahead and blinked. Again. She wasn't sure how much more of this she could take.

Not that she would admit it, though.

Ziva stood, closing the door to the room. She walked over to Tony's bed, sitting on the corner. "He really worries about you, Tony," she said softly. "We all do."

Tony blinked, with no glimmer of recognition.

"I wish there was more I could do for you. I wish there was something I could do for you. But in order to know if there is or is not, we need you to wake up."

Nothing.

"Well, I am aware that you are awake, but I mean we need you to talk to us. Say something. Do something. Get mad. Get angry. Talk about one of your stupid movies. Just do something."

Nothing.

Ziva sighed in frustration. She wanted to make Tony crack, to get him to do something. He wasn't complying, though, and that was frustrating to her. She needed him to do something.

This wasn't Tony.

The longer Tony wasn't himself, the guiltier she felt. She had failed him. She had let him be captured and tortured. Who knows what they did to him? She was afraid, worried, and not convinced he'd come out of it okay.

Which was why she needed him to wake up.

If he woke up, if he said something, she reasoned he'd be okay. He'd be himself again in no time. She'd take care of him, the team would take care of him, and he would be okay. Everything would be okay.

He just had to wake up.


	11. Chapter 10

A/N: I know I take forever with updating this story, but I'm glad you guys are still with me on this. See the first chapter for the disclaimer and, as always, I hope you guys enjoy the story and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 10: Long Day Becomes a Longer Night

The day had been a long one.

The team had been investigating the death of a petty officer, who had been brutally beaten prior to her death. She had been nearly beaten beyond recognition, and that had been hard for them to deal with, especially in the aftermath of Tony's predicament.

And speaking of Tony…

McGee sighed as he sat next to the senior agent. The man who was arguably his best friend. They were coming up on two weeks that he'd been in this catatonic state, and it seemed that he'd never break out of it. McGee sighed, slouching down in the seat. He was silent, mostly as he wasn't sure what else to do. He didn't have anything to say to the senior field agent. He was there every night as it was.

And on days like today, McGee wondered if it was even worth it.

As far as anyone could tell, Tony didn't know if anyone was there or not. He reacted to nothing, said nothing, and did nothing except breathe, blink, and sleep. McGee was frustrated at seeing his friend like this, and wanted to shake him until he snapped.

But he knew it wouldn't work.

Causing him trauma wasn't going to undo the trauma. This was something Tony needed to undo on his own, to sort out himself. But watching him and waiting for him to do that was killing the entire team. Even Gibbs, though he would never admit it. From what McGee heard, the director was a constant fixture in Tony's room. Ziva stopped by every so often, as did Abby. No one really knew what Gibbs was doing.

And, of course, Tony was silent.

McGee sighed, watching the TV in front of him. Every so often, he would glance at Tony, just to see what the senior agent was up to. Nothing but breathing and blinking. "You know," McGee said finally, turning to Tony. "I never thought I'd miss you annoying me."

McGee thought he heard Tony sigh, but soon convinced himself he was imagining it when Tony blinked and said nothing. McGee frowned, sinking deeper into the chair.

"I don't know, DiNozzo," McGee said softly. "The doctors think you're brain dead or scared. But… I don't think it's either. Or… a-at least I don't want to think that. Because I know you, Tony. You're one of the strongest people I know… I-I… I know you're in there. I know you're still with us. Just… I wish… I wish you'd answer us. Say something. Anything."

McGee sighed again, looking away from Tony. He didn't want the senior agent to see how much he was worried. McGee couldn't help it, though. He was worried about Tony.

Tony had been like this for two weeks, and he wasn't getting any better.

McGee tried to push those thoughts out of his head, not wanting to think about it anymore. Every night he came here, and every night it was the same. He thought about Tony, about where he was, what was going through his mind, and, more importantly, whether or not Tony would ever come back to them.

"Gibbs is gonna kill you if you don't break out of this," McGee taunted gently. Nothing from Tony. Not even the slightest glimmer of recognition. McGee sighed in defeat, hanging his head. For the first time, he allowed tears to sting the back of his eyes. But the tears refused to fall, choosing to remain perched in their place.

"You don't have to say anything to me," McGee said finally, his voice full of emotion. "Just say something to someone. React. Do something. Show them that you're not brain dead. I know you're in there, Tony. We all know it. Please, something. Anything."

McGee turned his head away from Tony, sighing painfully as he stood up. "I'm gonna get going," he said softly. "Just, uh, just remember what I said." McGee left the room shortly thereafter, without another word.

Had he stayed a moment longer, he might have noticed the pain present in Tony's eyes.

*~*~*~*

_Something in Probie's words had struck a chord with him, making him get slightly choked up. For the first time in two weeks, he actually felt something. He felt sadness and pain at McGee's words._

_The kid was right._

_He had heard the doctor's worries, the prayers of his colleagues, the words of his friends from Baltimore PD that had come down to see him. Hell, at one point, even Agent Fornell had stopped by, albeit briefly to see Director Shepard more than Tony._

_But, even still, Tony was starting to allow himself to feel something again. Because it wasn't just McGee's words that made him want to come back. It was the sadness, the desperation in his voice that inspired the change. No matter how much he was hurting, he was going to come back to them._

_Even if it killed him._

*~*~*~*

"How is he?" Abby asked, catching McGee as he was leaving the hospital. McGee sighed.

"No change," he said softly.

Abby frowned, sinking against the building. McGee put his hand gently on Abby's shoulder. "Nothing at all?"

"Not that I saw."

She hung her head for a moment before reaching out and hugging McGee tightly. He returned it just as tightly, and she felt any resolve she had gained before coming had withered away to nothing. She found herself crying against his shoulder, and he stroked her back tenderly.

"I'm sorry, Abby," McGee said softly.

"It's not your fault," she cried, hugging him tighter.

"I was there… at the scene… if I had…"

"It's not your fault," she repeated.

"We didn't protect him."

"We can't always…"

"But…"

"I know." She fell silent, hugging McGee tighter as he sighed and rested his head against hers. "He'll be okay. I know he will. He has to be. Gibbs would never let him not be okay."

"Abbs, I don't think even Gibbs can save him now," McGee said.

"McGee…" she started.

"No, Abby. Listen. Gibbs has been trying. We've all been trying. The only person who can break him out of this is himself, though. At least that's what the doctors are saying. And the more I come here, the more I believe them."

"I know," she whispered. "And that's what's scaring me more than anything."


	12. Chapter 11

A/N: The moment you've all been waiting for... and don't forget to keep the tissues readily available. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy, and please review.

* * *

Chapter 11: Out of Hiding

Gibbs quietly walked into the room, taking care not to wake his sleeping senior agent. For the better part of three weeks, Tony had remained silent, unresponsive to anything in the room. From what everyone had been telling him, Tony mostly slept when people were there, or stared blankly at the TV.

But something was different tonight.

Whenever Tony had slept previously, he had laid flat on his back or was sitting up, depending on the position the nurses had put him in. Tonight, he seemed tenser, slightly curled into a fetal position. His face wasn't the normally blank face that the team had been seeing for the past few weeks. It also wasn't the one he had seen the night Tony stopped reacting.

This one showed a little more pain.

Gibbs sat down next to Tony on the bed, being careful not to sit on the younger man's curled form. He placed his hand on Tony's shoulder, rubbing it gently as Tony started to whimper and cringe in his sleep.

"Easy," he said softly, trying to soothe the younger man.

Tony's eyes snapped open, awaking him from whatever dream he'd been having. Gibbs kept his hand still on Tony's shoulder as Tony panted. He shivered, curling tighter despite the pain it caused him.

"Easy, Tony," Gibbs whispered. "You're okay. You're safe now."

"No, I'm not," Tony replied quietly, his voice hoarse from disuse and fear. Gibbs rubbed the younger man's shoulders again, trying to comfort him. Tony curled tighter into a ball, wincing slightly.

"Don't hurt yourself further, Tony."

Tony didn't answer, but fought Gibbs when the older man tried to get him to relax. Gibbs backed off slightly, and Tony scrunched his face in pain.

"Boss," Tony began. "I'm…"

"It's okay."

"I screwed up, Boss."

Gibbs shook his head. "You didn't screw up, Tony. I let you down."

Tony said nothing, too afraid of starting a fight. Gibbs picked up on his hesitation, but didn't say anything either. Instead, he watched as Tony curled tighter, groaning slightly after the movement. Tony kept his face scrunched, closing his eyes as tears threatened to fall. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of Gibbs, who would surely see that as a sign of Tony's overwhelming weakness.

"I'm sorry, Boss," Tony said after a few quiet moments. "I… I'm really sorry."

Despite his attempts to hide his face with his hands and body, Gibbs was well aware that Tony had started crying. The older man closed his eyes, swallowing the lump in his throat. With everything they had been through, Gibbs had never seen the younger man cry. Not even when Kate or Paula died.

"It's not your fault, Tony," Gibbs said after a moment. "You did nothing wrong."

"Y-you know what they did, don't you?" Tony asked, peeking up at Gibbs like a little child. Gibbs nodded slowly, and Tony winced further. "I-I'm sorry."

"DiNozzo, listen to me," Gibbs said, keeping his voice quiet but with a slightly harder undertone. He wasn't using it to scare Tony, but rather to get him to pay attention. Tony looked up, his body shuddering slightly. "You. Have done nothing wrong. You understand me?"

"Yes, Boss," Tony replied instinctively, before saying, "Sort of. Not really. No. How can you not be mad at me? I got myself into trouble, again. I almost got killed, again. I'm in the hospital, again. How have I done nothing wrong?"

"Because, DiNozzo. You followed the lead at the crime scene. You didn't know what was going to happen. This wasn't about you."

"Wasn't it?" Tony asked. "I-if it wasn't about me, then why'd they choose me?"

Gibbs sighed quietly. Tony had him verbally boxed in a corner, because Tony didn't have the whole picture of what was going on as far as Gibbs knew. Noticing this, Tony flinched further. "It wasn't entirely about you," Gibbs said gently. Tony sighed softly, shaking his head slowly and relaxing a little bit.

"I would ask why they chose me then, but I think I already know the answer to that."

Gibbs smirked slightly, relieved to see that some of Tony's humor still remained. The room lapsed into a calm, slightly peaceful silence after that. Gibbs watched the agent before him, who was still hiding his face but had stopped crying for the moment.

"I'm not going to get fired for this, am I?" Tony asked suddenly after a few minutes, catching Gibbs off guard.

"Why do you think you'd get fired for this?" Gibbs replied softly.

"Because I screwed up, Boss. I'm a liability to the agency."

"What did they tell you, DiNozzo?"

Tony shook his head, pursing his lips together. Gibbs nodded silently, taking that to mean Tony wasn't going to tell, mostly out of fear.

"They're not going to hurt you, Tony," Gibbs said gently, his tone more akin to one he'd use with Abby than one he'd use with Tony. Tony swallowed, closing his eyes as tears began to fall down his face again. "I promise. They're not going to hurt you again."

"They dead?" Tony asked softly.

"Yes."

Tony relaxed a little more, allowing his battered, healing body to calm down and stop some of the pain. Gibbs comfortingly put his hand on Tony's head, smoothing his agent's hair like he used to do for Kelly after she had woken up from nightmares. Tony swallowed hard, crying silently. He brought his hands up to his face, concealing it from Gibbs' view again. Gibbs continued to try to comfort Tony as Ducky appeared in the doorway, unbeknownst to the two men in the room.

"Gibbs, I'm…" Tony said softly, his tears evident in his voice. Ducky felt his heart break for the young man laying in the bed.

"Tony, if you apologize one more time, I…" Gibbs said, before realizing he shouldn't be threatening Tony. Not after everything he went through.

"Understood, Boss," Tony replied softly. Tony left his eyes closed as his tears subsided, moving his hands away from his face finally. Gibbs continued to rub his hand over Tony's hair, realizing that it was keeping the younger man pacified.

"Get some rest, Tony," Gibbs said finally. Tony nodded sleepily, feeling exhausted from shed emotions and pain. "We'll talk more later."

"'Kay."

Gibbs continued rubbing Tony's hair until he knew Tony was sleeping. Gibbs closed his eyes for a moment before quietly saying, "He's not well, Duck."

"I was afraid of that," Ducky replied. "And yet, I also expected that."

"Yeah, me too. But not like this."

"Depending on what they beat into him, Jethro, it could get worse."

"Yeah, I know."

"When did he wake up?"

"He was out of the state when I got here, so some time before that."

Ducky nodded silently, still leaning against the doorframe. "I'm afraid this is only the tip of the iceberg," he said after a moment.

"Yeah?" Gibbs asked, finally looking over to Ducky.

"Once word gets out that Tony's awake, naturally, his colleagues will want to see him. And right now, he doesn't appear to be in the emotional state to have many visitors. Not to mention that he's just re-acclimating to the world and his surroundings with the scars of the trauma he suffered."

"Yeah, I get it, Duck."

"Has he said anything?"

"Not much, other than he thinks he screwed up and that he was worried they may come back."

"Clearly, that's not the case."

"Yeah." Gibbs looked back at Tony's sleeping, mildly disturbed form. Rarely did Gibbs feel helpless when it came to dealing with DiNozzo, but he couldn't help feeling that way now. How could they get him through this?

"Jethro, there's more," Ducky said. Gibbs looked over at him. "If I'm reading Anthony right, he appears to be narcissistic."

"Ya think, Duck?" Gibbs retorted lightly.

"Comorbidities with narcissism include depressive disorder, which may make helping him through this that much harder. The narcissism itself also explains why he entered the catatonic state to begin with."

"Hiding from himself?"

"More like hiding from everyone else." Ducky moved from the doorway into a chair beside Gibbs. "Narcissistic people are outwardly very arrogant, with grandiose thoughts and an exaggerated view of themselves. They desire a great deal of admiration from those around them, and often actively seek it out. For the most part, narcissists lack empathy, but this is clearly not the case with Anthony.

"Narcissists, while having an inflated ego, are often fearful of making mistakes," Ducky continued. "They fear that when they make mistakes, those around them will abandon them entirely. They have a deep seeded shame and fear in themselves, despite the arrogance shown on the outside. More often than not, they received inconsistent rewards and criticisms in their youth, getting overly praised for things and extremely criticized for the slightest mistakes. There's also a probability of abuse in childhood, as well."

"Sounds like Tony," Gibbs said quietly, looking back at the aforementioned agent.

"I don't know much about his background," Ducky said. "But apparently you do."

Gibbs shook his head, turning back to Ducky. "Just pieces he's mentioned and a run-in with his father."

"His mother?"

Gibbs shrugged.

"Died when I was twelve," Tony said quietly, keeping his eyes closed. The two older men in the room turned to look at him.

"Thought you were sleeping," Gibbs said.

"Woke up a while ago. Somewhere around you guys calling me narcissistic."

The two older men smiled slightly, knowing Tony hadn't taken the comment badly. "If I may, your family?" Ducky said.

"Sure," Tony replied, still keeping his eyes closed.

"Your father?" Ducky asked gently.

"What exactly does this have to do with my current problem?"

"Past experiences have a lot to do with current mentalities, Tony."

"Died the year I joined NCIS."

"And you're an only child."

"Something like that."

Gibbs and Ducky exchanged a look, before Gibbs said, "What does that mean?"

"I had a younger sister. She died when I was 10. Drove my mother insane, while Dad worked to erase her from the house. Mom killed herself when I was 12, Dad blamed it on me. To get rid of any trace of my mom, he sent me to military school. In Rhode Island."

"How old was your sister when she died?" Ducky asked softly.

"Seven," Tony replied.

"What happened?"

"We were walking home from our friend's house one night. A kid was driving drunk, and he hit us on the sidewalk. I tried to push her out of the way, but it didn't work. The kid drove away, and she died in my arms as we waited for the ambulance." Tears choked off Tony's voice slightly, and the older men in the room looked down. "I couldn't save her. That's why Dad blamed me for her death. Mom went crazy, so when Mom committed suicide, that was my fault, too. I destroyed my family."

"It's not your fault," Gibbs said, stroking Tony's hair as he had earlier. Tony shook his head.

"I know that," he said softly.

"Therapy?" Ducky ventured. Tony shook his head, chuckling bitterly.

"Therapy was for the weak, and DiNozzo's aren't weak."

"Your father?"

Tony nodded. "Beat that into me every day of my life. Mom treated me like her little prince, and Dad tried to make me a man. Explain the narcissism, Doctor?"

"I'm sorry, Anthony."

"Don't be." Tony opened his eyes, looking at Ducky. "It's not the first time I've heard it."

"College professor?" Gibbs asked. Tony looked over to Gibbs.

"Drill Sergeant," Tony replied. Gibbs smirked.

"Tony, may I ask you a few more questions?" Ducky asked.

"Go for it."

"You said your father cut you off."

"Yeah, when I decided not to go into the family business and became a cop instead."

"Why did you choose law enforcement?"

Tony closed his eyes, sighing softly as Gibbs continued to comfort him. "I wanted to make a difference," Tony finally stated after a few moments. "To put away guys like the one that killed my sister. Guys like my father. I wanted to get people out of bad situations." Tony sighed softly, shaking his head. "Yet, everywhere I went, something was missing."

"People let you down?" Ducky asked softly.

"People are always a let-down, Ducky."

"That's a rather jaded view, but understandable given what you've told me."

"Peoria, it was a partner of mine getting into drugs and trying to drag me down with him. Philadelphia, it was a captain having an affair with a known prostitute who magically didn't have a record. And Baltimore… I think we all know what happened in Baltimore."

Gibbs and Ducky smiled slightly and nodded at his words.

"The only person at NCIS who's ever let me down has been myself," Tony mused. After saying that, he shook his head. "I don't feel like talking anymore."

"You don't have to," Gibbs said softly, still smoothing Tony's hair. Ducky said nothing, simply watching the two men before him. "Get some rest, Tony."

"Can't," the young agent replied. "Keep having nightmares."

"Wanna talk about them?"

"No. Not yet."

"Talking them out helps them disappear," Ducky replied.

"It's not that easy, Ducky," Tony said sleepily.

"Flashbacks more than nightmares?"

Tony simply nodded.

Gibbs leaned forward, whispering in Tony's ear, "The flashbacks can't hurt you. You're safe now."

"From physical harm, maybe," Tony whispered softly.

Gibbs sighed quietly, straightening back up. He continued to stroke Tony's hair as he realized the younger man was right. They had saved Tony from the physical torture, but they couldn't save him from his own mind.


	13. Chapter 12

A/N: For my own sanity (and because I'm trying to update two stories at once), I'm going to try my best to stick to weekly updates. I'm not guaranteeing that this will definitely happen, but I will try. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy the story, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 12: First Visitation

Gibbs was still sitting next to Tony when the younger man woke up the next morning. Tony furrowed his brow in confusion. "Were you here all night?" Tony asked.

Gibbs simply gave him a look.

"Why? Why would you stay?"

Gibbs nudged a cup of coffee in Tony's direction in response.

"Okay." Tony painfully sat up, and Gibbs extended his hand to help. "I'm okay," Tony told him, and Gibbs nodded, handing Tony the coffee instead. "Thanks."

Gibbs nodded.

"Are you going to say anything, Boss?" Tony asked nervously, taking a sip form his coffee.

"Like what, DiNozzo?" Gibbs replied.

"I don't know. I just… I don't like when it's too quiet."

Gibbs nodded, being quiet for the moment before saying, "No one thinks anything different of you, Tony."

It was Tony's turn to be quiet for a moment. "How do you do that?" he asked softly.

Gibbs smirked.

"No, seriously. How do you always know what we're thinking? What we know? When something's wrong? How do you know that?"

Gibbs took a sip from his coffee.

"I should know better than to ask you questions."

Gibbs half-shrugged, smirking slightly. "How're you feeling this morning?" Gibbs asked, changing the subject.

"Sore," Tony replied. "Mostly okay, though."

"Feeling up to having visitors?"

"Yeah, sure."

Gibbs nodded, looking at the doorway. Tony followed Gibbs' gaze to find Ducky in the doorway.

"Good morning, gentlemen," Ducky said. "Anthony, I brought you some breakfast."

"Thanks, Ducky," Tony replied as Ducky put the food in front of them. "I hate hospital food."

"As we're well aware. How do you feel this morning?"

"Tired. A little sore."

Ducky nodded. "Can I get you anything?"

"Not right now. This is good enough."

Ducky nodded again, sitting down in the other chair in the room. "Abigail was thinking of stopping by today," Ducky continued.

"That'd be nice," Tony said with a smile.

"I'm glad you think so," Abby said, walking in. She sat down on Tony's bed, wrapping her arms around his still battered body. He hugged her back gently, resting his head against her shoulder. Ducky and Gibbs exchanged a glance before both of them stood up, allowing Tony and Abby some time alone to talk.

*~*~*~*

"What're you thinkin', Duck?" Gibbs asked as they stood a few feet away from Tony's door.

"Well, either sometime today or tomorrow, he'll be released," Ducky replied. "Physically, he's ready to go home. Psychologically is a completely different story. Fortunately, it's not as if Tony was abducted from his home, so he should feel comfortable going back there."

"But?"

"But, he's got a long road to travel, Jethro. The boy was beaten and extensively tortured. That's not going to go away so quickly."

"Yeah, I know."

"And I expect Tony to gloss over it as much as possible. There's no way he's going to let Ziva or McGee know that he's not doing better."

"McGee, I agree with you on. Ziva will find a way to get the information out of him."

Ducky chuckled softly. "While that may be true on some level, Jethro, Tony also has quite the will," he said.

"Yeah, that's how he survived this," Gibbs said, looking back toward the room.

"He'll continue to survive this. He just needs our help."

*~*~*~*

"I'm glad you're up," Abby said, sitting next to Tony on the bed. He smiled at her.

"Me too, Abs," he replied.

"So, Ziva and McGee have been really worried about you. And Gibbs. And Ducky too. You know, McGee came here every night."

"I know."

"How?"

"It was like watching a movie. Watching people talk to me from someplace… it was just like being in a movie. I heard everything you all said."

"So what did Gibbs say, then?"

"I think there are certain things that should remain private."

Abby smirked, hugging Tony gently before lying beside him and resting her head on his shoulder. "I was so scared for you, Tony. When you were missing… I was afraid I'd never see you again."

"You know you can't get rid of me that easily, Abs."

"I was hoping so." She closed her eyes, burying her head against his shoulder. "So, when do you get to bust out of here?"

"Soon, hopefully. I hate hospitals."

She chuckled. "Who doesn't?" she countered.

"Doctors, nurses," Tony replied.

"At least you have some cute nurses."

Tony smiled slightly. "Yeah, at least I have that."

"Tony, if there's something I can do for you…"

"I'm gonna be fine, Abby."

She bit the corner of her lip, pulling it into a slight frown. "Tony, what you went through was something terrible. It's okay to not be okay."

"I'm fine, Abby," he said solidly.

"You're stubborn, Tony," she countered.

"That's the DiNozzo way." He closed his eyes gently, trying to relax.

She rubbed his shoulder gently. "Should I let you sleep?"

"I slept all night, Abs. I'm fine."

"Whatever you say, Tony," she replied.

"So, how did Magnum get here?" he asked.

"Oh, McGee had them bring it in. We thought you'd enjoy that."

He smiled. "Yeah, I do. Thanks."

"You're welcome." She stayed by Tony's side, gently holding his arm for a while.

*~*~*~*

"He probably should not be alone when he leaves the hospital," Ducky said.

"He wasn't going to be," Gibbs replied.

"He'll be with you at night, but who'll be taking care of him during the day?"

"DiNozzo's not gonna want someone hanging around him all day."

"But for most of the day…"

"We'll rotate agents. Whoever has a day off."

"Don't forget to include Abby and myself in your rotation."

"Of course."

The two of them walked back to stand in Tony's doorway, looking in to find Abby and Tony curled up with one another on Tony's bed. Tony was sleeping, and Abby was stroking his arm gently, trying to keep him soothed.

"The rest of the team doesn't know," Gibbs reminded Ducky quietly.

"And I'm sure Tony would rather keep it that way," Ducky replied. "No one but him has to tell them. They know enough as it is, and as to why he would be this bad. Why he would need supervision makes sense. And, if all else fails, it's doctor's orders."

"We're not gonna have to argue this to them, Duck. They'll understand."

"I'm sure they will. But isn't rule number seven always be specific when you lie?"

Gibbs smirked, nodding slightly.

"Should they question it, it would be good to have a specific, consistent lie."

"They won't, though."

"Ziva might."

"I'll handle Ziva."

"I have no doubt."


	14. Chapter 13

A/N: Okay, so I know I said I'd try to update weekly, but I was wicked sick at the end of last week, so I didn't get a chance to do this until now. I apologize, and am feeling much better now, so here's an update! See first chapter for disclaimer. Tony's language is kinda harsh as the chapter goes on, but it's nothing too bad. Just as a heads-up. :) As always, I hope you enjoy, and please review! :)

* * *

Chapter 13: Going Home… Kinda

Gibbs walked into his senior field agent's hospital room, carrying a duffel bag. Tony sleepily looked over at him. "Did you even sleep last night?" Gibbs asked.

"Somewhat," Tony replied.

"Why?"

"Ziva stopped by last night."

"I told her not to."

"It's okay, Boss. She left around 9."

"And you didn't sleep well?"

"I just… couldn't."

Gibbs nodded silently.

"Why does this even matter?" Tony asked, looking at him.

"Because, DiNozzo, I said so," Gibbs replied.

"Whatever."

Gibbs tossed the duffel bag on the bed, and Tony eyed it before looking at him. "Get dressed," Gibbs ordered.

Tony said nothing, opening the bag and pulling out some clothes. Gibbs left the room, closing the door behind him. After a moment, he heard his agent grunt an, "all clear, boss."

Gibbs re-entered the room, sitting down next to Tony on the bed. The younger man was now dressed in a T-shirt and sweatpants, both of which hung more loosely on his body than either one of them could remember.

"I take it I'm going home today?" Tony asked.

"That's what the doctors say," Gibbs replied.

"Great. I hate hospitals."

Gibbs smirked. "Yeah, DiNozzo, I know."

The doctor walked in, going over release forms with Tony and having him sign them. After that, he wished Tony well before leaving the room. Without a word, the two men in the room stood up, with Gibbs supporting and guiding Tony down the hallway and Tony trying to get Gibbs to leave him alone. The two made their way to the sedan, Gibbs practically shoving Tony into the passenger's seat while the younger man grunted about the help. Gibbs walked around the front of the car to get in the driver's side.

They drove in silence for a little before Tony said, "I get the feeling I'm not going back to my place."

"Nope," Gibbs affirmed.

"I'm going to your place."

"Yep."

"Fine." Tony turned his head to stare out the window, watching the buildings pass him by as he tried to will the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach to disappear. The last thing he wanted to do was stay with Gibbs and have his boss realize how rough of shape he was really in. On the other hand, not being alone meant he didn't have to think about it all the time.

Gibbs looked over at his silent senior agent, thinking about how much Tony had already been through. And, in this case, Tony wasn't even dealing with it, choosing to ignore it and hide within himself. And Gibbs knew eventually, Tony wouldn't be able to run from this anymore. And when that happened… who knew what the younger man was capable of.

He pulled up in front of his house, and Tony remained still, seemingly lost. "Tony?" Gibbs said softly, putting his hand on Tony's shoulder. Tony jumped, snapping his head quickly to Gibbs. The older man watched him quietly.

"Sorry, boss," Tony said, turning his head away from Gibbs' gaze as he grabbed his bag and opened his door. Gibbs climbed out, helping Tony into the house. This time, Tony didn't grumble about the help. Instead, the younger man settled onto the couch as Gibbs made his way upstairs with Tony's bag. Upon returning to the living room, Gibbs found Tony stretched out across the couch.

"McGee said something about setting up some doo-dads for you," Gibbs explained with a shrug.

"He doesn't have to," Tony replied dismally.

"He doesn't want you to get bored."

Tony half-grinned. "You mean you don't want me to get bored, because you're afraid I'll snoop around your things."

"Do that, DiNozzo, and I'll kill you."

"Eh, whatever," Tony said, shrugging and turning his attention to the blank screen of the TV.

"Helps if you turn it on," Gibbs said after a moment.

"You're giving _me_ advice on technology?"

Gibbs shrugged. "Anyone can work an idiot box, DiNozzo."

Tony shrugged, saying nothing and closing his eyes. After a few minutes, he felt a blanket get thrown over him. Tony opened his eyes to find Gibbs smoothing the blanket down.

"Get some rest," Gibbs said.

"I'm fine," Tony replied.

"Rest or talk are your options."

"Talk? You actually want to listen to me talk?"

"If it'll help."

"Why do you care?" Tony snapped bitterly. "You never get involved in anything in my life, so why the hell do you give a shit now?"

Gibbs said nothing, not sure how to respond to his agent's outburst.

"This is also exactly like you, too. You say nothing when someone asks you questions. You push us harder when you know we're going through hell. You made me call all those people when you _knew_ how upset I was about lying to Jeanne and the way the op had ended. You don't give a shit about someone's feelings. So why the hell are you bothering now?"

Gibbs was silent for a moment before saying, "Because it's what you need."

"How the hell would _you_ know what _I_ need?"

Gibbs sighed softly, not answering. He watched as Tony pushed himself to sit up on the couch before standing slowly.

"You don't know what I need, Gibbs. You take your cues on how to handle me from Ducky, just like you always have. Just like you always will. Because you pretend to know your agents and what they've done in their lives and what they've gone through, but the truth is that you really don't know much of anything."

Gibbs silently watched Tony pace slowly in front of him, waiting patiently for Tony to finish his rant.

"And you don't want to know. So why are you even pretending you really want to now? Why, Gibbs?"

Gibbs kept watching Tony, saying nothing.

"Are you gonna say anything?"

"I was waiting for you to get it out."

"Get what out?"

"Whatever you have to say."

"Is that it? You're just gonna sit there and let me rant and rave like a lunatic?"

"If that's what you want."

Tony sat down on the couch, sighing as he sank into the cushions. "Why do you care?" he asked, the fight draining from his voice.

Gibbs shrugged. "You're part of my team, DiNozzo."

"I don't get it," Tony said, completely calm. "I'm nothing more than a screw up, Boss."

"What makes you say that?" Gibbs probed gently.

"I've been shot, drugged, kidnapped twice, framed for murder twice, almost infected the entire team with plague, blew my undercover op… Do I really need to continue this?"

"I'm still not hearing where you screwed up, DiNozzo. Minus the undercover op."

"I fell in love with her, which was stupid."

"You're human. It happens. We all blow ops."

"Even you?"

Gibbs shrugged. "It happens," he repeated.

"Just happens to me more often than others," Tony said dismally.

"I wouldn't say that, Tony."

"What, are you the all-knowing Gibbs?"

"Depends on who you ask."

Tony sighed, shaking his head. "Whatever." He lay back down on the couch, pulling the blanket over his body. "I can't help but feel stupid about this, Boss."

"You've done nothing wrong," Gibbs assured him.

"I had to have done something wrong," Tony countered. "In order for them to…"

"They wanted revenge. Richard… he was pissed off at me. I had him court marshaled, discharged, and sent to Leavenworth. Chip… he's as pissed at me as he is at you. The other guys were in it for the money."

"I had to have done something to them, too, for them to do what they did."

"You didn't."

"I'm a horrible person."

Gibbs sighed, moving closer to the arm of the couch where Tony had laid his head. He smoothed his hand over Tony's hair, just as he had done in the hospital. Tony shook his head, trying to shake Gibbs' hand away.

"I'm tired," Tony said, sitting up.

"You know where the room is," Gibbs said softly. Tony nodded, standing and walking up the stairs. Gibbs watched him quietly as Tony disappeared down the hall.

Tony walked into the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him. He kicked off his shoes and flopped onto the bed, burying his face into the pillow. He felt the tears of embarrassment sting his eyes, and he allowed them to fall into the pillow in the solitude of the room. He kept himself from sobbing out loud, knowing that Gibbs wouldn't stay downstairs for long and he didn't want Gibbs to see him cry again. While he had some dignity left in him, he wanted to hold onto it.

He hated himself for this. DiNozzo's weren't this weak. They didn't cry into their pillow. They didn't let things like this break them so badly. But he couldn't help it, and he couldn't stop himself.

He was this weak. And that's what killed him.


	15. Chapter 14

A/N: See first chapter for the disclaimer. I know this story's been very Tony/Gibbs heavy the past couple of chapters, but there's a little McGee in this one! I hope you guys enjoy it, and please review. :)

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Chapter 14: The First Night

After eating dinner and helping clean up, Tony went back upstairs to take a shower. He came back down a little later to find that Gibbs wasn't on the ground floor. Tony poked his head through the doorway to the basement, hearing the familiar sounds of Gibbs working on the boat. Satisfied that he hadn't been left alone, Tony moved back into the living room, finding McGee kneeling in front of the TV, working on setting up the entertainment center.

"Hey Probie," Tony said casually. McGee jumped, dropping the wires in his hands. "Or, should I say, McScaredy Cat."

"Knock it off, Tony," McGee replied. "I wasn't expecting you to be right there."

"Where else would I be, McGee?"

"Gibbs said you were upstairs in the shower."

"Did you think I'd be in the shower forever?"

"I don't know. You're always late to work, so that would explain something."

"Knock it off, Probie."

McGee rolled his eyes.

Tony sat down rather than continuing to taunt McGee, closing his eyes as he reclined on the couch. McGee looked over at him, taking in the sight and relenting nature of the senior agent. "You want something, McGee?" Tony asked, keeping his eyes closed.

"No," McGee replied. "Just… you okay?"

"I'm sleeping at Gibbs' house. How would you be?"

"I wouldn't know, Tony. I've never slept at Gibbs' house."

"Be glad, Probie. You think it's bad enough with him popping out of places at work, where it's shared turf. Here, it's Gibbs' turf. You never know where he's gonna be. He's probably right behind me right now."

"No, he's not," McGee said.

Tony shrugged, seemingly not caring either way. "Point is, he's everywhere. And here, you never know whether or not he's sleeping or working on the boat."

"I'm sorry?" McGee offered, shrugging. "What do you want me to say, Tony? He's asked me to set this up for you so you won't be bored."

"That's because he doesn't want me snooping," Tony said tiredly, keeping his eyes closed.

"He'd kill you if you did that."

"Like you'd care."

McGee rolled his eyes. "Of course I'd care… for a little while," the junior agent teased. "But, with you gone, I'd be senior field agent. And there wouldn't be so much torment."

"You know you'd miss me."

"Yeah." After a moment, McGee furrowed his brow with concern and turned to face Tony, who still had his eyes closed. "Why are you talking like that?"

"Like what?"

"'Like you care.' 'You know you'd miss me.' What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, McGee. Just making conversation."

"You sure?"

"If the thought even crossed my mind, Gibbs would kill me."

"I doubt that," McGee said, turning back to the equipment in front of him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tony replied, finally opening his eyes to look at the junior agent.

"Just, that… I don't think Gibbs would kill you for being upset. For thinking about it. Going through with it is a different story."

"Are we… wait, how would you know?"

McGee shrugged, turning his head toward Tony again. "Gibbs hasn't killed me yet, and I'm a far weaker person than you are."

"I don't know about that right now, kid."

"I do." McGee stood up, walking over and sitting on the floor next to where Tony's head was on the couch. "I never would've made it out of there," he said.

"I doubt that," Tony replied.

"I'm serious, Tony. I wouldn't have. I would have died there. I probably wouldn't have even lasted one night."

"Despite what you think, Tim, you're a pretty strong kid. You would've lasted, because you know that Gibbs and the rest of us would get you out of there. It gets you through."

"But that's even scarier, knowing that your only hope is other people."

"Saying you don't trust us, McGee?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that feeling helpless, knowing that you can't get yourself out of the situation… it makes it worse."

Tony said nothing, looking away from McGee. The junior agent looked down at his lap, getting the feeling he had said something wrong.

"I'm sorry," McGee said after a moment.

"You don't need to apologize, kid," Tony replied. "You didn't do anything."

McGee nodded silently, watching as Tony sat up. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Tony said quietly. McGee noticed the hint of dejection in Tony's voice, but didn't say anything. "I'm just tired. I'm gonna go to bed."

"Sure," McGee said softly, looking up at Tony. "Get some sleep."

Tony stood up, messing up McGee's hair before walking away, heading back into Gibbs' guest room. He climbed in bed, closing his eyes and praying sleep would come easy to him tonight.

*~*~*~*

After the conversation with Tony, McGee couldn't help feeling somewhat downtrodden. He knew Tony had been putting up a front, but he didn't expect Tony to be the way he was. And McGee knew it was even more upsetting that the only reason he knew Tony was not himself was that Tony was actually being nice and complementing McGee. Suddenly, being in Gibbs' house was too smothering, and McGee finished hooking things up as quickly as he could. Once he finished, he went off in search of Gibbs.

*~*~*~*

"Boss," Gibbs heard McGee say as McGee poked his head downstairs.

"Yeah, McGee," Gibbs replied, still working on the boat.

"Everything's set up, and I brought over the other stuff you asked for."

"Good."

"Oh, and Tony went upstairs and went to bed."

Gibbs nodded to himself, continuing to work. "Go home, Tim. Get some sleep."

"Okay." McGee turned away, walking out of the house. Gibbs looked back up to the doorway upstairs, sighing before going back to the boat.

*~*~*~*

After a few hours, Gibbs went upstairs, taking a quick shower. Before climbing in bed, he passed by Tony's room, checking in on his agent. Tony was sleeping soundly, so Gibbs walked away, climbing into his own bed.

He had been sleeping for half an hour when Tony's screams permeated the darkness of the house. Gibbs jumped up, instinctively grabbing his gun and rushing toward Tony's room. When he got in there, he found the young man writhing in bed, still asleep, and sweating profusely. Gibbs put his gun down, sitting on the bed.

"Tony," he said, gently shaking his agent. Tony lashed out in his sleep, swatting at Gibbs, who ducked back. "Tony, wake up."

Tony snapped awake, jerking upward into a sitting position on the bed. He panted, bringing his legs up and putting his arms around them. Gibbs stayed back, watching Tony work to calm himself down. Tony closed his eyes, sighing softly. He steadied his breathing before turning his head toward Gibbs.

"Sorry, Boss," he said softly before resting his forehead against his knees.

"Don't apologize," Gibbs replied.

Tony nodded, saying nothing.

"Bad dream?"

Tony nodded again, still not speaking.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Tony shook his head.

Gibbs nodded, saying nothing. He sat there quietly with Tony while the younger man calmed himself down after the nightmare. "You okay?" Gibbs asked after a little while.

"Yeah," Tony replied, sighing. "I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Tony sighed again, lying back down. Gibbs nodded, patting Tony's shoulder gently before standing up from the bed. "Thanks," Tony said as Gibbs made his way to the door. Gibbs turned around, nodding again.

"Get some rest," he said quietly.

Tony nodded again, pulling the covers up to his neck and sighing deeply. He closed his eyes, turning onto his side and curling up. Gibbs watched silently from the door as Tony settled back in. Unbeknownst to them, they were both thinking and hoping for the same thing- that Tony would be able to sleep through the night.


	16. Chapter 15

A/N: Again, I'm going to try to update each week (probably not more than that, though), but bare with me because it's the end of the semester (and graduation's just around the corner), so I might not be too good at that, but whatever. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you all enjoy the story, and please review! :)

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Chapter 15: First Day of Freedom… Kinda

Gibbs woke up as dawn broke. Not due to the light filtering into his windows, but due to the clamoring downstairs. He instinctively grabbed his gun as he had done earlier in the evening, this time making his way down the stairs toward the source of the noise. As he entered the kitchen, he came face-to-face with Tony, who jumped at the sight of a gun in his face. Gibbs sighed, lowering the weapon and putting it on the counter. "What are you doing, DiNozzo?" he asked, annoyed.

"Trying not to get my face blown off at the moment," Tony replied, panicked. Gibbs sighed again, putting his hand on Tony's shoulder.

"Usually, you sleep in."

"When I can't sleep, I make food." Tony sheepishly pointed at the bowl on the counter, where he was currently trying to make pancakes.

Gibbs nodded silently, gesturing for Tony to finish.

"Or I work." Tony started cooking again. "But, since I'm off right now, cooking's really my only option."

"I thought you watched movies," Gibbs said, opting to start the coffee.

Tony shrugged. "Only if it's too early to get up for the day. Otherwise, I get up and do something."

"This happen often?"

Tony shrugged again. "Not as much as it did when I was younger. And I learned how to take care of myself." He started the first batch of pancakes on the griddle, pausing his story for a moment. "Of course, that's also because I had to. My mother was a wonderful woman, but not the best mother. And we both know my father was a bastard. The babysitter was only there until my parents got home from wherever they were that they didn't want us with them. For Dad, it was work. For Mom, it was basically every time she left the house. Our baby sitter was more like a nanny, but my mom pretended to take care of us when she was home.

"Don't get me wrong," Tony continued, looking over to Gibbs. "She was a great woman, and I still miss her to this day, but… after my sister was born, it was almost like she wasn't sure how to handle life anymore. I guess you could call that postpartum depression, but she was never clearly diagnosed, because DiNozzos don't go to therapy. Maybe if she had, alcohol wouldn't have been her crutch, and she probably never would've drank my sea monkeys."

Gibbs poured himself a cup of coffee silently as Tony half-smiled at the memory.

"Of course, there's my father, who always started every night with a drink in hand and that drink stayed there until bedtime. That never changed, but the amount in each glass did as we got older. The start was always the same, but as the night went on, the glass got fuller. And he'd always drink the entire glass down before pouring more in." Tony sighed, flipping the pancakes. "I guess that was the family way, though. Always hiding in alcohol. Only, I guess I break the cycle, 'cause I actually talk when I drink."

"You talk even when you're not drinking," Gibbs commented.

"Not really," Tony said, looking over at him.

"You're talking right now, and unless there's something you're not telling me, there's no alcohol in the pancakes."

"I'm not the Barefoot Contessa, Gibbs."

"Who?"

"She has a cooking show, can't make anything without booze… regardless."

Gibbs shrugged, sliding Tony a mug of coffee.

"Thanks."

Gibbs nodded.

Tony took a sip of coffee, deciding not to say any more as he took the pancakes off the griddle. He passed the plate over to Gibbs as he put the next batch on, indicating that the older man should take some. Gibbs put the plate down, turning to Tony.

"You have an appointment tomorrow," he said. Tony stopped cooking for a moment to look at Gibbs.

"What kind of appointment?" Tony asked, looking at Gibbs. The older man shrugged.

"Psychiatrist."

"No, Gibbs. No."

"You don't have a choice. Jenny's not gonna let you come back if you don't."

Tony sighed, knowing he was defeated. "Fine." He pulled the second batch of pancakes off the griddle, piling them onto the plate Gibbs had put down. He pulled other plates out of the cupboard, handing one to Gibbs and keeping one for himself. He quietly piled pancakes onto the plate before grabbing a fork and knife and putting the plate down on the table. He grabbed the maple syrup and his coffee before sitting down.

Gibbs watched the entire exchange with silent suspicion. He followed DiNozzo's lead and sat down across from his senior field agent, still watching him. As Tony picked at his pancakes, Gibbs sighed, realizing he was going to have to do this the hard way.

"Say something, DiNozzo," Gibbs said finally.

Tony looked up. "Like what, Boss?" he said quietly.

"Why don't we start with something simple?"

"Like?"

"The nightmares."

"What about them?"

Gibbs sighed, rolling his eyes. He wasn't sure he wanted this conversation in the first place, and Tony was making this harder than pulling teeth. "How often are you having them?"

Tony sighed. "I don't know. Depends."

"Lately?"

"Two a night," Tony explained tiredly. "So bad that I wake up screaming. I'm sorry I woke you up last night, Boss."

"Don't worry about it," Gibbs replied. "What are the nightmares of?"

"I don't want to talk about them."

Gibbs nodded quietly, watching as Tony picked at his pancakes. "Eat, DiNozzo. Ziva's on her way over."

"To babysit me?" Tony shook his head, picking at the pancakes again. "I don't need to be babysat, Gibbs."

"She wants to come over. I didn't ask her to."

"Sure." Tony shook his head again, deciding not to say anything else. Gibbs finished off his plate, putting it in the sink.

"I'm actually planning on running out to the store. Is there anything I can get you?"

Tony shook his head, still picking at his pancakes in silence. "I think I'm just gonna put in a movie." Tony finally gave up on the pancakes, throwing out what he didn't eat and beginning to clean up. Gibbs began to take over, slowly moving Tony out of the kitchen. "What're you doing, Boss?" the younger man asked, looking over.

"Go put in a movie," Gibbs replied. "I'll clean up."

"You don't have to clean up my messes, Gibbs. I'm a big boy."

"DiNozzo, that wasn't a request."

Tony sighed, starting out of the kitchen. "I'm taking a shower."

Gibbs shrugged, not caring what Tony went off to do so long as he wasn't doing the dishes. The younger agent took a quick shower before heading back downstairs to sit on the couch. Gibbs joined him in the other chair, noticing that Tony had his feet tucked under him, staring at the blank TV.

"I thought you wanted to watch a movie," Gibbs said softly.

"Trying to think of which one," Tony replied softly. "So many choices."

"What are you in the mood for?"

Tony shrugged.

"Something funny?"

"I really don't know," Tony said quietly. "I'm open to anything at this point."

"Pokémon it is," Gibbs joked quietly, waiting to gauge Tony's reaction. When the younger man didn't react, Gibbs tapped his shoulder.

"Huh?" Tony asked, looking over.

"Where's your head at?"

"Nowhere. Just tired."

"Get some rest, then."

"Can't sleep."

"You could always try."

"_One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest_."

"What?" Gibbs asked, confused.

"Movie," Tony replied simply. Gibbs nodded, watching as Tony got up off the couch to flip through his movie collection. Or, at least the part that McGee had brought over. "Fuck it. _Saturday Night Fever_." Tony put in the movie while Gibbs silently arched his eyebrows, not ever really having heard DiNozzo swear so casually.

Tony curled up on the couch, his eyes glued to the TV screen. He knew he'd much rather stare at the TV and not care what's on it than talk to Gibbs about what was going on in his head. Not that the Bossman didn't care. Tony knew that Gibbs probably did. But Tony wasn't ready to talk about it, so he kept staring at the TV and expecting it to either make his issues all better or make it easier for him to talk to people.

Gibbs watched Tony more than the movie, finding the senior agent nodding off. After about half an hour, Tony was sound asleep, and Gibbs figured now was as good a time as any to head off to the store. Ziva would be there soon, and he figured while Tony was actually sleeping would be the only time to be able to sneak off.

*~*~*~*

_He found himself strapped to the table once again, but there was something slightly creepier about it this time. He shuddered against the chill running up and down his spine as he saw himself laying naked, just waiting._

_For what, he didn't know._

_The door creaked open, and the last person he expected to see walked through the door. "Never could handle yourself, could you?" she remarked teasingly. Despite that, he could tell that she really still cared._

"_What are you doing here, Kate?" Tony asked._

"_Keeping your head on straight, DiNozzo." She walked over to the table, looking him up and down and smirking. "You know, you've changed a lot since that night in Gitmo…"_

"_Thank you."_

"_I never said it was a good change."_

"_Whatever."_

_Kate stroked Tony's hair gently, and he flinched at her kindness. "You don't have to be afraid, Tony," she said softly. "You're safe now. You're going to be okay."_

"_But I'm still stuck here," Tony said, trying to move his hands and getting nowhere._

"_You're bound by yourself, Tony."_

"_What the hell does that mean, Kate?"_

"_The only person who can truly pull you out of this is yourself, but, as you've seen in every one of your dreams thus far, you can't do this alone. You need to talk to someone. Like Gibbs or Ducky."_

"_I can't."_

"_I know. You never could talk about anything serious." She continued to stroke his hair, and Tony closed his eyes. "Am I hurting you?"_

"_More like scaring."_

"_You go through hell, and my stroking your hair scares you?"_

"_I know, sounds fucked up."_

"_Someone being gentle to you is terrifying to you," Kate said, furrowing her brow._

"_Don't read too much into it," Tony said, looking away from her._

"_It's what I do, Tony. Do you want to know what I see?"_

"_Not really but, like always, you're going to tell me anyway."_

"_You're not used to people being kind to you because you haven't ever had anyone be kind to you. You've never even really had anyone pay attention to you. That's what makes you such an attention whore to Gibbs, it's what makes you narcissistic, and it's what makes you intentionally look for trouble with Gibbs. Because, to you, any attention is better than none."_

"_Thanks for that, Kate," Tony said painfully. She stroked his hair gently, leaning down closer to his ear._

"_You don't know how to go about getting it any other way, and that's not your fault," Kate continued. "You were taught that at a very young age. And after your sister died, I'm guessing it didn't get any easier, with your parents blaming you and all."_

"_Again, thanks for the memories, Kate."_

"_Tony, please. I'm trying to explain something here."_

"_Sorry."_

"_Look, the point is that in your most formative years, you never had someone play the gentle card with you. By your own admission, your mother wasn't exactly a mother, and your father wasn't touchy-feely either."_

"_Oh, he was touchy-feely alright. In that you touch his things, you feel his wrath."_

"_That's exactly my point, Tony. You were never taught how to handle emotions properly. You were never taught how to deal with something like this. And you were never taught how to accept someone caring and/or trying to help you."_

"_Why would they want to help me, though?" Tony asked. "I'm clearly nothing but a fuck-up who can't stop himself from getting hurt, almost killed, or worse."_

"_They care about you," Kate said simply. "Just as I always did. They've got your back."_

"_But why? What did I do to deserve that?"_

"_You've suffered enough." Kate patted Tony gently on the shoulder, making her way toward the door. "You've been punished enough in your life, Tony. Don't keep punishing yourself for this." And with that, she disappeared through the door._

*~*~*~*

Tony awoke with a start, which also made Ziva jump from her spot on the chair. She had taken residence where Gibbs had vacated almost two hours ago, unbeknownst to Tony. Tony found himself panting, unsure of why his dream conversation with Kate had caused him anxiety.

"Can I get you something?" Ziva asked gently, keeping her distance from the clearly distressed DiNozzo.

"Water," he said quietly.

She nodded, disappearing into the kitchen and returning with a glass. "Here," she said softly, handing it to her.

"Thanks." He took a few drinks before taking a few deep breaths and calming himself down.

"Bad dream?" she asked softly after he had relaxed. Tony shook his head.

"Weird, but not bad," he replied.

"Then why were you so upset?"

"I wasn't upset."

"Startled, then."

"I told you, it was a weird dream. Let it go."

"You kept saying, 'Kate.'"

Tony paled at Kate's name, his mind reverting back to the weird dream.

"Did you have a dream about her, Tony?"

"I'm not in the mood to talk," he said simply, deciding to avoid all conversation.

Ziva watched helplessly as Tony got up, heading toward the bathroom. Once he had left the room, she sighed, pulling out her phone.

_He had another dream. Kept mentioning Kate in his sleep. He would not talk about it._

She sent the message to Gibbs, doing as he had asked by keeping him informed. She kept her eyes focused on where Tony had departed, wondering if there was anything she would be able to do to help her partner through this. But, she realized sadly, she'd never be able to help him if he didn't want her to.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs had been in autopsy with Ducky when his phone chimed with the message. The not-so-tech-savvy leader managed to open the message, but couldn't respond. Then again, the message really didn't need responding to.

"A message?" Ducky asked. Palmer had already been sent upstairs to Abby's lab while the two older gentlemen talked.

"From Ziva," Gibbs confirmed. "Duck, how common is it for people to dream of dead people?"

"Depends on the person, really, and their relationship with the deceased. If there was unfinished business between them, it's rather common. In some instances, the deceased just come for a chat. Of course, stress on the living can do the same too. Reminds me of a young sailor I once talked to. I had just finished the autopsy on his friend when…"

"DiNozzo's apparently seeing Kate," Gibbs said, cutting off Ducky's story.

"I'm not surprised, Jethro," Ducky replied. "The two of them were rather close. Somewhere between siblings and a married couple. He had a lot of regrets about Kate's death."

"We all did."

"Yes, but Tony's were slightly different. I remember one conversation I had with him where he said he didn't know how much longer he could continue being the ear for the team. That McGee and Abby both were looking to him to be the strong one, and he couldn't do it anymore. He was ready to go home and, in his own words, 'do what Ari should've done to him instead of Kate.'"

"DiNozzo? Suicidal? Why didn't I know about this?"

"Anthony's mastered the art of the undercover swindle. It's how he kept his assignment from us for so long. He learned how to deceive from the best- you."

"I don't quite think that's a complement there, Duck."

"I should say not," Ducky commented gently.

"What stopped him?" Gibbs asked, getting back on topic.

"He remembered that Kate was religiously Catholic, and that in the eyes of the Catholic Church, suicide was an unforgivable sin. If for no other reason, he didn't want to hurt her by doing the one thing she'd never be able to forgive him for."

Gibbs smiled slightly.

"In all truth, Anthony merely aims to please. And he feels like he's let everyone down. To make matters worse, he feels as though everyone keeps seeing him at his lowest point, which is not something he wants them all seeing. Yet, with their level of concern, he knows there's no way we can stop them from seeing him. And, with his condition, he needs someone there with him."

"Your point?"

"A conversation with Kate, the one person who's not here and from whom he no longer needs to keep secrets, is not a bad thing. If nothing else, we know that he might be working things out."

"There's that." Gibbs sighed, walking toward the doors.

"Give him time, Jethro," Ducky said after him.

"I've got nothing but time," Gibbs replied, walking onto the elevator. He made his way to the top floor and into Jenny's office. She looked up, not expecting the intrusion but not turning it away all the same.

"Gibbs?" she said, looking up from her paperwork.

"You're the one who called me in for a sit-rep," he replied.

"Yeah, three hours ago."

"I was busy."

"With who, Ducky?"

Gibbs rolled his eyes, and Jenny shook her head.

"I'm not surprised. Status."

"What do you expect, Jen?"

"From you, or from Agent DiNozzo?"

"Either."

"I need to know if you think Agent DiNozzo will be fit to return for field duty."

"Isn't it a bit early to be worrying about that?"

"That's not what I meant."

"Well then what did you mean, Jen?" Gibbs said, his patience wearing thin.

"Is this something Tony can bounce back from?" she asked, her voice more caring and concerned than professional.

"Tony's resilient."

"You didn't answer the question."

"Yes, Jen. I think he'll be fine. And if you really wanted to know how he's doing, why not just come out and say it?"

"How's he doing?" she asked. She didn't want to seem like the overbearing mother, so she had tried to disguise her deep-seeded worry as her director side. But she knew that she had failed, and yet, she didn't care that much about said failure. If anyone would understand, it would be Gibbs.

"He's hangin' in there," Gibbs replied. "He's a tough kid. He'll bounce back."

"I have no doubts. He's staying with you?"

"Yeah. And Ziva's there right now."

"Okay."

"And he's going to the psychiatrist tomorrow. Now, unless you have anything else…"

"I don't."

"Good. And next time you want to check in on DiNozzo, just go over there and do it yourself." With that, Gibbs left the office, and Jenny shook her head, writing down something on a piece of paper.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs entered his house to find Tony asleep on the couch. His head was on a pillow, which was on Ziva's lap, and she was gently stroking his hair as a movie played in the background.

"He's been asleep for almost an hour," she said softly, glancing over at Gibbs.

Gibbs simply nodded before gesturing that he was going into the kitchen. Ziva nodded, turning her attention back to the film.

Within moments, Tony was screaming for it to end, writhing but not swinging. Gibbs rushed into the living room in time to find Ziva trying to comfort Tony. Finally, Tony snapped awake after having thrown himself to the floor.

"Oh, God," he whispered, his face flushing red as he realized that not only had he gotten himself riled up enough to throw himself off the couch, but to also pull Gibbs out of a room and to have done this in front of Ziva.

"You okay, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked softly. Both him and Ziva kept their distance, not wanting to make things worse for Tony at the moment.

"Fine," Tony replied, standing. "Gotta pee." He stalked out of the room, leaving Gibbs and Ziva alone in his aftermath.

"I think I had better be going," she said softly. "I do not think that he wants me to see him like this."

"He's DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "He doesn't want anyone to see him like this. He sleep much today?"

"He only slept the time he fell asleep on you and then this last time."

Gibbs nodded, saying nothing.

"Is he sleeping at night?"

"Nightmares keep him awake."

"He needs help, Gibbs."

"Yeah, I know."

She sighed, shaking her head. "I do not believe there is much I can do if he does not want me to."

"Yeah, I know," Gibbs repeated. "He fell asleep on you, though. That's a step."

"I guess," she said softly.

"Give him time, Ziva. He'll bounce back."

"I hope so."

*~*~*~*

Tony sighed, splashing the water onto his face once again. This was going too far now. The nightmares were slowly growing out of control, in that every time he fell asleep, he woke up screaming. It was getting to the point where he was becoming afraid to close his eyes. He wanted to go back to that warm, dark place. He wanted to feel safe again, like he had before. He didn't want to be scared anymore.

Unfortunately, that wasn't possible.

As he splashed more water onto his face, he thought back to his dream conversation with Kate. She was right. He really did need to talk to someone, like Ducky or Gibbs. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't bring himself to even think about what happened to him, let alone verbalize it to someone else. He shuddered at the thought of the things they did to him. And now, every time he closed his eyes, he couldn't escape them anymore than he could while he was in that room.

He was trapped. Again.

But then there were Kate's words. He was safe now. He could get out of it. Granted, talking to Gibbs wasn't going to be the cure-all. He knew better than to think that things would magically be better if he just talked to someone. But he knew it was a start.

The problem was, he didn't think he could do it.

Because of that, Tony splashed water on his face one final time before drying off. He headed back out to the living room, finding Ziva still on the couch and Gibbs back in the kitchen. He sat down next to her, leaning back against the cushions of the couch.

"You okay?" she asked gently.

"Bad dream," he replied succinctly. He glanced tired eyes over to the TV, finding the news on rather than the movie he had been watching when he fell asleep. "I slept through it again, didn't I?"

She nodded, saying nothing.

"Oh, well. I'll watch it again some other time."

She nodded again, still saying nothing.

"You staying for dinner?" Tony asked.

"Yes," she said finally.

Tony nodded, standing up and walking into the kitchen. Ziva instinctively followed him while Gibbs watched him curiously.

"If you're going to make dinner, the least I can do is set the table," Tony offered to his boss. Gibbs nodded, saying nothing. Once the table was set and the food was cooked, the three of them sat down to a rather quiet meal.

No one really knew what to say, because no one really had nothing to say. Ziva had the day off, Gibbs only had meetings they didn't need to hear about, and Tony sure wasn't saying anything. After the quiet meal, Ziva helped clean up before saying her goodnights. Tony looked over at Gibbs, heaving a deep sigh.

"I think I'm gonna go to bed," he said softly. Gibbs nodded, saying nothing. "Night, Boss."

"Night, Tony," Gibbs said, watching Tony make his way up the stairs.

Before Gibbs walked a dejected man, and there was nothing the team leader could do about it other than keep a close eye on him. And that frustrated him to no end.


	17. Chapter 16

A/N: I'm updating early, mostly because I'm impatient, but I may also end up updating on Friday too. Anyway, see the first chapter for the disclaimer. I'm glad you guys are enjoying this story. This chapter's a little longer, and is also the only time you'll see Tony go to therapy throughout the story (it'll be mentioned that he goes, but this is the only session that's written in). I don't know much about psychiatry, so keep that in mind and take what I write with a grain of salt. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

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Chapter 16: "There's a First Time for Everything, DiNozzo"

Tony woke up quietly in a cold sweat, shaking with tired fear. The nightmares weren't lessening in either frequency or intensity. In fact, they were only getting worse each time Tony laid his head to rest. And as Tony calmed himself down for what felt like the millionth time in the silent darkness of 2am, he got up to do the only thing he could do at a time like this.

Movie time.

He moved down to the living room couch, flipping through one of his many movie binders. Finally, he settled on _The Fugitive_ and put it in the DVD player. He relaxed on the couch and was lost in the movie by the time he heard someone creaking up the stairs from the basement. Tony didn't react as the person sat down beside him.

"Hey Boss," he addressed the newcomer casually, not looking away from the TV.

"I thought you went to bed, DiNozzo," Gibbs replied, leaning back against the cushions.

Tony shrugged. "I woke up."

"Another nightmare?"

Tony sighed, nodding. He was silent for a moment before confessing, "You know, sometimes I wish I didn't remember what happened in that room."

Gibbs arched his eyebrows. "Why's that?" he asked.

"Because then the nightmares would be just that- nothing more than bad dreams. Instead, I know they're real, that all those things really happened to me, and that I have to move on from that."

Gibbs said nothing, allowing Tony to take the floor.

"I just… every time I close my eyes, I'm back in that room. In the dark. Tied up. And I always start out alone, but… it never stays that way."

Gibbs nodded, leaning back further to stretch his arm against the back of the couch behind Tony's shoulders.

"I really messed up bad this time, Boss."

"What makes you say that?"

"I can't sleep, can't eat, and can't talk. Is that some new take on normal I don't know about?"

Gibbs shrugged. "It's expected with what you've gone through, Tony. You don't have to talk to us, but to someone."

Tony sighed, closing his eyes. "I don't know, Boss. I… I can't."

"It's not going to be easy, or even something that happens right away."

Tony nodded, opening his eyes. He kept his gaze away from Gibbs and trained out the window as he said, "I'm scared, Boss."

"Of what?" Gibbs asked gently.

"Therapy."

"Why?"

"I've never been before."

"There's a first time for everything, DiNozzo."

Tony half-shrugged, arching his eyebrows dismissively. "That's true. I just don't know about the whole pouring your heart out to a stranger thing."

"As it goes on, they're not exactly a stranger. It takes trust, something you learn to build up as you go along."

Tony glanced over at Gibbs, confused. "Which wife went?"

Gibbs shook his head, wanting to smack Tony on the back of the head but deciding against it. The kid was in rough enough shape as it was.

Tony shrugged to himself, deeming the information unimportant and deciding instead to turn back to the TV. Gibbs was shocked by Tony's easy dismissal, but didn't call the younger man on it either. Instead, he chose to keep Tony company throughout the rest of the movie, if for no other reason than to let the senior agent know that he was not alone.

*~*~*~*

Tony and Gibbs sat in the psychiatrist's office later that day, waiting for Tony's appointment. The younger man was silent, but to Gibbs, this was understandable. Gibbs had never exactly been comfortable with this idea either, but Stephanie had been. What was unfortunate for Tony, though, was that Tony had no choice in the matter. It was either this, or hang up his gun and badge.

When the receptionist finally let them go into the back, Tony froze. "You know her?" Gibbs asked softly.

"No," Tony replied. "I just hate doctors."

"Hi," the doctor said warmly, extending her hand toward the two men. "I'm Dr. Sydney Jansen."

Gibbs stepped forward, shaking the woman's hand. Tony followed Gibbs' lead wordlessly.

"Please, gentlemen, have a seat."

The two men followed her lead, sitting down on the plush couch. Tony chose this moment to take in the office, noting that she didn't have a desk present. The room looked more like a living room, with a set of couches and chairs, a coffee table, lamps, plants, shades on the windows, and even a TV. There were also toys in a crate tucked away neatly in the corner with a few children's books. Her degrees and diplomas were displayed on the walls, as well as pictures of her and what Tony assumed were her family and friends. The room made him feel somewhat like he was in someone's house rather than a psychiatrist's office, and he wasn't sure if that put him more at ease or made him more nervous.

"I'm Special Agent Gibbs," Gibbs introduced, which broke Tony from his trance.

"Tony DiNozzo," Tony offered quietly. After all, it wasn't like he was here on official business. His guard was already broken, and he didn't know how to fix it, which meant that he had no confidence whatsoever at this point.

Especially since nothing was what it used to be.

"It's nice to meet you both," she said warmly. There wasn't anything threatening about her, Tony decided. It wasn't like she was Ziva. But Tony was afraid that as they started talking, she'd think he was crazy, and that she should lock him up. The same thing that kept him from going to therapy his entire life, besides his father's constant drilling in of 'therapy is for the weak, and DiNozzos are not weak'.

"For first visits, I always encourage family and friends to join in," she continued, breaking through Tony's thoughts. "Many of my clients find that helps put them at ease here. I hope it does the same for you, Tony. May I call you Tony?"

Tony nodded.

"You can call me Sydney, Doc, Doc Jansen, whatever you would like. I work with a variety of clients, all ages, so don't be alarmed if, when you leave or come in, you see children hanging around. I have some patients I have seen for years, and there are some patients that I've seen only months. An individual's mental healing is not unlike that of a wound. It's different for each person based on factors, but given some background on those factors, you can get a rough timetable. Does that sound good for you, Tony?"

Tony simply nodded, choosing now to look at his feet. Gibbs silently watched his senior agent before looking back at the doctor.

"This is an open environment for you to speak in. I do record sessions, as you were told before…"

With this, Tony looked over at Gibbs, who remained looking at the doctor.

"…Or maybe you weren't. That's okay. Let me explain. I record sessions so that I can take notes after they're over on your baseline and individual progress, so that I can better help you the next time you come in. Recording makes the sessions seem more conversational because I'm not scribbling down what you say as you say it. If you're not comfortable with this, that's okay too, and I don't have to do it. I can take notes as we talk if you'd like instead of the recordings. I have clients who don' t like recordings, so I do go both ways. The choice is yours."

Tony said nothing, still staring at Gibbs. Gibbs looked over at Tony, waiting for him to answer Sydney's question, and found Tony's gaze completely unreadable for the first time since his catatonic state at the hospital.

"Recording's fine," Tony finally answered quietly.

"Okay. I'm sorry for the confusion, Tony," she said.

"It's not your fault."

Gibbs looked away from Tony, realizing that dig was meant for him. Sydney grabbed a form, trying to diffuse some of the tension in the room.

"This is a form saying you consent to the recorded sessions. Again, you don't have to consent to this, as there are other ways to do it, and I won't record them. It's entirely up to you. And if at any time you would like to stop with the recordings, that's okay too. It's totally your call."

Tony took the form, signing it as he continued to stare at Gibbs.

"Okay," she said, taking the form back from Tony. "What I like to do in my first sessions is get to know a little bit about you. You can say as much or as little as you'd like, you can ask me questions as well, just as if you were introducing yourself to a new friend." Sydney reached over and turned on the tape recorder, turning back to the gentlemen on the couch.

Tony said nothing, still staring at Gibbs. Gibbs glanced over at Tony, waiting for the younger man to say something, yet Tony remained silent.

After a few moments of silence, Sydney said, "We'll start with something simple. Where are you from?"

"Long Island, New York," Tony replied quietly.

"How long have you been in law enforcement?"

"12 years."

"All in the same place?"

"Four places."

"Same amount of time each place?"

"Been at NCIS 7 and a half years."

"So you split 4 and a half years between three places?"

Tony nodded.

"Do you like where you work?"

With a pointed look at Gibbs, Tony replied, "Some days."

"Do you like your coworkers?" Sydney asked, glancing away from Tony to look at Gibbs.

"Yeah, I do," Tony sighed, finally looking over at the doctor.

"That's good. Why don't you tell me about them?"

Tony glanced over at Gibbs before turning back to Sydney. "They're great."

"Are you nervous because your boss is here?"

Tony shook his head.

"Because you're meeting someone new?"

Tony half-nodded, half-shrugged.

"What is it?"

"I'm supposed to talk to you," Tony said simply. "But I can't."

"It takes time to build up that trust, Tony," Sydney said. "I don't expect you to talk to me right away. I don't know that you'll ever tell me everything about what happened, and that's okay too. I'm not expecting that. I'm here to help you figure out how to deal with the trauma."

"How can you do that without knowing what happened?"

"A lot of it comes from you. It helps to talk it out with people, and I can help you figure out where to go, but you only have to tell me what you want to tell me. You never have to tell me every detail if you don't want to. How much you say is entirely up to you. You're in control here, Tony."

Tony said nothing, mulling this point over in his head. Gibbs watched him quietly, wondering what was going through his agent's mind.

"I remember everything," Tony said after a moment. "Every conscious period I had in that room. Every second. Down to the way the room smelled."

Both Gibbs and Sydney shared a glance, neither expecting Tony to start to open up, given the way the day had started.

"And every time I close my eyes, it's all I see, hear, feel, smell. I can't make it stop." Tony shuddered almost invisibly, before shaking his head. "There's too much… I don't… I can't…" Tony's voice trailed off before he sighed, shaking his head. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"You don't have to right now," Sydney said. "There will be plenty of time for that later."

Tony nodded, saying nothing else. Gibbs glanced over at Sydney again before turning back to Tony. Sydney glanced over at the clock briefly before sighing softly.

"Unfortunately, Tony, our time is up for the day," she said softly. "Is there anything else you'd like to add?"

"No," Tony replied.

"Do you feel comfortable enough continuing on?"

"Yes."

"Great," Sydney said. "I would like to start off seeing you twice a week, if that is alright with you."

"Fine," Tony said quietly.

"Okay, great. I will see you in a few days, then."

"Thank you." Tony stood, shaking her hand and quickly walking out the door. Gibbs watched Tony before turning back to the doctor.

"Thank you," he said. She smiled, shaking his hand.

"I'll do my best with him, Agent Gibbs."

He nodded, turning and walking out of the room after Tony, who was already outside of the building by the time Gibbs caught up with him.

"I hate doctors," Tony remarked by way of quick explanation, breathing deeply to calm himself down. Gibbs chuckled softly.

"I know," he said, patting Tony's shoulder. The two of them made their way to Gibbs' car, climbing in.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs strolled into Autopsy later that day, catching Ducky by surprise. "Jethro," he greeted. "I didn't expect to see you here."

Gibbs said nothing, looking over at Palmer.

"I'm gonna go bring these to Abby," Palmer said quickly, leaving Autopsy with a few samples in his hands. Gibbs turned to Ducky.

"How is he?" Ducky asked.

"Scared," Gibbs replied. "And he's actually admitting it."

"Oh, dear." Ducky sighed softly, looking down for a moment. "If he's actually admitting it…"

The phrase echoed around the room, but was never finished anywhere but in their minds.

"He'll bounce back, though," Ducky said after a moment. "It's going to take a while, but Anthony is a very resilient man. He will come back from this."

"I hope you're right, Duck," Gibbs said, walking out of Autopsy.

Ducky sighed, turning back to the corpse on the table. "I hope I'm right too."

*~*~*~*

McGee walked into Gibbs' living room, finding a zombie-like Tony sitting on the couch, staring at the powered off TV. The older man didn't react to McGee's presence, a feat that worried McGee. "Tony?" he said softly. Tony turned his blank stare over to where McGee stood.

"Hey Probie," Tony said quietly. There was no emotion, no tone change, no inflection, nor anything else in his voice.

"You okay?"

"Okay enough."

McGee sat down in the chair next to the couch, not wanting to encroach on Tony's personal space. "Anything I can do?"

Tony looked over at McGee and gave him a tiny, genuine smile. "No. But thanks, kid."

"You're welcome."

The two men fell silent, both staring at the TV. After a few minutes, McGee turned to Tony. "Wanna play a game?" he asked.

Tony shrugged. "Whatever," he said softly.

McGee knelt forward, going over to the gaming system he had brought. "I have Need for Speed here."

"Whatever," Tony repeated.

"I also got Mortal Kombat, Tony Hawk, MLB, Street Fighter…"

"Whatever you wanna play, McGee," Tony cut in softly. "I'll play. Just pick one."

"Okay," McGee said, finally settling on Need for Speed as he figured that would be easiest. He turned on the TV and the console before handing Tony a controller and settling back with one himself.

After setting up their race and choosing their cars, the two set into the game. McGee looked over at Tony, finding that the senior agent didn't seem all that invested in the game. Normally Tony took any and all occasion to whip McGee's ass, but his heart wasn't in it. The thought made McGee's heart sink further than it already had as he finally saw it for himself.

He finally could see just how far Tony had fallen.


	18. Chapter 17

A/N: It's a 2 for 1 week for updates! Also, I have some time on my hands too. However, next week will be the regular Friday update. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. As always, I hope you enjoy, and please review. :)

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Chapter 17: Wrap Your Head Around It

Ziva and McGee were both looking for clues in the case in silent concentration. The bullpen had an eerie quiet feeling to it, since the usual source of noise was out on leave. And while Tony had been gone for quite some time now, it still felt creepy how quiet the area was. "Anything?" Gibbs half-growled as he walked in.

"Petty Officer Cutlass was a good sailor, according to his shipmates," Ziva began. "As far as they could tell, no one had any reason to kill him. He was in good standing with his friends, his family, and his wife."

"He has no criminal record," McGee said. "Many friends in many places, mostly because he's kept in touch with anyone he's ever come into contact with. Everyone generally thinks he's a good guy."

"Even good guys have bad sides," Gibbs said. "Keep looking."

"One traffic accident," McGee said. "Death resulting. Petty Officer Cutlass was 16, driving home from homecoming, lost control of the car. His girlfriend at the time died in the accident. Petty Officer Cutlass walked away."

"Driving drunk?" Ziva asked.

"Breathalyzer was clean. Roads were icy. Teenager just learning how to drive, an animal runs out in front of him, he swerves…"

"And she dies?"

"She wasn't wearing her seatbelt, and was thrown from the car. He was ticketed, but not charged."

"I think we have found our motive, yes?"

"Maybe," Gibbs said.

"I will talk to the family," McGee said.

"I will keep looking," Ziva said.

Gibbs nodded, walking away. McGee and Ziva looked at one another.

"Is it just me, or does he seem angrier than usual?" McGee asked.

"I believe he is worried," Ziva replied.

"Yeah, I don't think I blame him. Have you seen Tony lately?"

"Yes."

"It's like… it's like he's not even Tony anymore."

"He has been deeply hurt, McGee. That does not go away so easy." Her tone was sad, which was something that didn't go unnoticed by McGee.

"I know," he said softly. "I don't expect him to be 100%, but… he doesn't feel like him, you know?"

Ziva said nothing, and her silence was all McGee needed. She felt it too.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked into autopsy in his normal stride, and Ducky sighed. "Our Petty Officer bled out from the stab wounds," he explained. "COD is just that."

"Thanks, Duck," Gibbs said, heading for the door.

"How's Anthony?"

"Hangin' in there."

"And the rest of the team?"

"Worried about him."

"Tell Anthony I'll drop by soon."

"Will do." Gibbs left Ducky alone in autopsy to ponder just what state Tony was in now.

*~*~*~*

Palmer and Tony were engaged in a fierce battle of intellect, otherwise known as Monopoly. They had opted on a game that could be friendly competition with enough strategy to keep them interested. Normally when they played, the game was over rather quickly, as Tony was good at reading Palmer and out-strategizing him. However, they were at a stalemate today.

After they had been playing for almost two hours, Tony finally said, "I can't wrap my head around this."

Palmer furrowed his brow in confusion. "You've beat me in this game a bunch of times before, Tony," he said.

"No, not the game," Tony said softly, looking up at Palmer. Palmer studied Tony's face for a moment before he understood what the senior field agent was trying to say.

"Ah," he said. "Can I say something?"

"Go for it."

"You can't wrap your head around it because you're still trying to deny that it happened. You know that it was real. And until you accept that and actually say the words to yourself, you won't be able to figure out how to deal with it and how to move on. So far, you've been avoiding talking about it. Once you start, you'll figure out how to handle living with the scars. But you can't do that until you say the words."

Tony nodded silently, chewing Palmer's words over in his mind.

"No one expects you to be okay yet," Palmer continued. "It's okay to not be okay and to admit that you're not okay. You need to stop putting pressure on yourself to act normal around everyone except Gibbs."

"I can't," Tony said.

"Your father's not always right. Admitting you're not okay doesn't make you weak. Getting help you need doesn't make you weak. Admitting that you need help and taking the steps to get it make you a stronger person. Knowing your own strengths and weaknesses make you a stronger person."

Tony nodded, saying nothing.

"If you wanna wrap your head around what happened, though, you're going to need to allow yourself to own up to what happened," Palmer finished.

Tony nodded, finally throwing the dice to continue the game while thinking about everything Palmer had just said.

*~*~*~*

"Got somethin' for me, Abbs?" Gibbs asked, walking into her lab. She sighed.

"The tool marks Ducky casted tells us that it's a serrated blade," she said softly. While the music in the lab was normal, her downtrodden attitude wasn't. "Without the knife, we can't really implicate anyone. There wasn't much from the scene, as you know, but trace is still running and I am still running the DNA samples, hoping one of them may be from our killer. Murder's messy, after all, and how many times have we seen someone cut themselves as they were killing someone else?"

Gibbs said nothing, watching Abby. After a few moments, she looked over at him sadly.

"I miss him," she said softly.

"You can always come see him, Abbs," Gibbs said softly.

"It's not the same."

"What do you mean?"

"He's not the same. He's not him. And I don't think I can see him like that."

"He gets more like himself every day, Abbs."

"Yeah, but Gibbs… it's… I don't know what to say to him, what to do. I want to help him, but I don't know how."

"Go see him. That'll be help enough."

"Does he even want to see me? I mean, everyone's been there since he came home, he barely has any time alone, and I would think that he wouldn't want someone else hanging around him. I know Palmer's there today, you were there over the weekend, McGee the day before, Ziva before that… isn't he getting sick of being surrounded by people?"

Gibbs watched the young girl talk with concerned eyes.

"I'm scared to see him," she whispered quietly.

"Why?" Gibbs asked softly.

"I don't want to make things worse."

"You're not going to make things worse, Abby."

She sighed, hugging Gibbs tightly. "I just want him to be okay."

"Me too, Abbs," Gibbs said softly, wrapping his arms around her. "Me too."


	19. Chapter 18

A/N: I keep saying I'm going to stick to schedule, but I think no one's going to complain that I'm updating this early. :) See the first chapter for the disclaimer. This is the chapter I'm pretty sure most of you have been waiting for, and I hope it lives up to your expectations. As always, I hope you guys enjoy it, and please review. :)

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Chapter 18: Push to Start

Tony was reclining on the couch with his eyes closed when the front door opened. Knowing it was one of his colleagues, he didn't move, deciding that he didn't care. When he heard the person suck in a nervous breath, he sighed softly. "I'm only sleepy, Abbs," he said quietly.

"You sure?" she asked.

"Positive." He opened his eyes, and a smile instantly came to his lips at the sight of her holding Bert.

"I brought Bert for a visit, because he was concerned."

Tony chuckled softly, standing. "Well, I'm glad he came to see me. I've missed seeing him."

Abby smiled. "He missed you too."

Tony opened his arms to her, and she immediately wrapped herself up in them, squeezing him gently. He returned the gentle squeeze, sighing contentedly. "I'm glad you're here, Abbs," he told her quietly.

"Me too," she replied. They let go, sitting down on the couch with Bert between them. "So, I was thinking we could have a movie marathon and order in Chinese?"

"Sounds good to me."

"What movie first?"

"You pick."

"_Poltergeist_."

Tony laughed. "Horror movie marathon?" he suggested.

"Works for me," she replied. "Oh, after _Poltergeist_, we should totally watch _1408_."

"Whatever you'd like."

She smiled sadly, putting in the movie. She wondered how much of Tony going with the flow was because he was trying to be a good host in Gibbs' house, how much was because he really didn't care, and how much was because he was afraid of a fight. She sat back on the couch, picking up Bert in her arms and sliding up against Tony's side while he put his arm around her shoulders.

About halfway through the movie (and, subsequently, their commentaries), Abby turned to him. "Tony?" she said softly, looking up at his face as she hugged Bert tighter to her chest.

"What's up?" he asked, looking down.

"Can you be honest with me?"

"Sure."

"How are you really doing?"

He took a deep breath, holding it for a second as he contemplated the answer before slowly releasing it. "Not that good, Abbs," he whispered softly.

The look on his face and the tone of his voice told Abby that not only was he being honest, but he regretted that he wasn't better. She wrapped her arms tightly around his torso, squishing Bert into his chest in the process. Tony returned the tight hug, putting his face against the top of her head.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked, keeping her head against his chest.

"I wish there was," he replied. She gave him a gentle squeeze, and he kissed the top of her head. "I'm glad you're here, though."

"Yeah, me too." She turned her head so she could watch the movie, still holding tightly to Tony, who was more than happy to remain in that position as well.

After all, it felt nice to be close to someone again.

*~*~*~*

Ducky set the pot of tea down on the instrument tray as Ziva sighed from the stool across from his. "Have you seen him lately?" she asked.

"Not in almost a week," he admitted.

"He's barely sleeping, barely eating. I think he has lost even more weight. He does not look good, Ducky. And he refuses to talk about it."

"Anthony's nothing if not stubborn. He's also probably afraid that he's going to lose your respect or that you guys are going to make fun of him if he's honest with you guys."

"We would never do that."

"I know that, and I'm sure some part of him does too. But he can't take the chance that part is lying to him."

"Is there anything we can do to help him?"

"Unfortunately, my dear, the only thing we can do is what we're doing right now- support him and show him we're here for him to talk to. His recovery has to come from him. We can't just make him better."

"I hate this, Ducky."

"I do too, my dear," he assured her, patting her hand with his. He poured each of them a cup of tea, and she sighed.

"Has he said anything to Gibbs?" she asked.

"I don't know. Jethro hasn't said anything."

"Abby went there today."

"Yes, I know."

"Maybe she can help him, yes?"

"I'm sure Abby can help him, but she's in the same position we are. There's not much any of us can do besides be there for him."

"I wish there was."

"We all do, Ziva. We all do."

*~*~*~*

After dinner, Gibbs went to the basement, working on his boat while Tony took a shower. It was the same every night- Gibbs would work on his boat while Tony took the time to entertain himself alone upstairs. It was Gibbs' way of giving Tony space so he didn't feel like he was being smothered by his friends and colleagues.

Except that tonight Tony came down to sit on the stairs.

Gibbs paused his project long enough to look up and see that Tony had come into the basement, choosing to sit four stairs down from the door with his feet on the sixth stair. Gibbs noticed that Tony wasn't going to go further, but was proud of Tony for even getting as far as he did. Gibbs could practically see the gears turning in Tony's head, the senior agent trying so hard not to equate Gibbs' basement with Richard's dungeon.

"Sydney says talking would help," Tony said with a shaky voice. Gibbs nodded, turning back to the boat.

"Let me finish this, and we can go upstairs and talk," he offered.

"No, it's fine," Tony said, his voice slightly stronger. Gibbs looked up to see that while Tony was still nervous, he was also determined. Gibbs nodded, silently admiring his agent's strength as he turned back to the boat.

"Talk away," Gibbs said.

Tony was quiet for a moment, looking down at the bottom of the stairs. "I should've seen it coming," he said softly. "I mean, I was a sitting duck. Alone. I walked right into their trap."

Gibbs said nothing, working on the boat instead.

"Of course I know there was no way to know that it was a trap, and I was just doing my job," Tony countered. "But, I think that's what scares me more. This could happen again. This wasn't even the first time it had happened to me. This was just the worst time. But I like this job. I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't doing this job." He absently ran his hand along his jaw line while Gibbs sanded in silence.

"I don't know anything about the ride," Tony continued after a moment. "The first thing I remember is waking up in the room, alone…

_Flashback:_

_Tony woke up in a blackened, concrete room with one window. The window had bars across it, and he felt like he was in a prison or a dungeon. He inhaled as deeply as he could, trying to further assess the situation. There was one door in the room, no doubt locked from the outside. He was tied to a metal chair in the room, his feet shackled to the legs while his hands were handcuffed to the back._

_He didn't have anything on him but his pants and underwear. No guns, no knife, no shirt, and no shoes. The chair didn't move no matter how hard Tony tried to rock it, leading him to believe it was bolted to the floor. _There goes one escape route_,__ he thought to himself._

_There was a bed in the corner of the room, if you wanted to call it that. It looked more like a massage table made into a surgical table, with arm and leg shackles. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what that would be used for, but he had a feeling he'd find out soon enough._

_Looking at the wall beside the table, there was a variety of whips, chains, boards, bats, clubs, and other weapons to beat someone with. A fireplace and chimney existed on the wall with the one window, and beside that, fire pokers. A cabinet with a fine display of assorted knives and swords sat on the wall with the door, as did a cabinet with guns. Both were locked with chains and biometric locks, something that only McGee could pick._

_The more Tony looked around, the more desperate he began to feel in the situation. There was no way out, and judging from how strongly they had grabbed him, it'd be no problem for them to do whatever they felt like to Tony. They wouldn't even necessarily need to knock him out or incapacitate him. They were that much stronger than him._

_Tony sighed softly, closing his eyes. He wasn't exactly the praying kind, but right now, as he felt himself in the desperate situation, he prayed for the strength to get through this until Gibbs and the team found him. Because he knew they would find him… just hopefully not before he was already dead._

_End flashback._

"I don't think I've ever felt that desperate before," Tony said quietly, his voice growing shakier again. Gibbs looked up from the boat to see Tony wrenching his hands together, trying to stop them from shaking. "There… there was no way out. I… I had to trust that you guys would find me in time. And while I trust you guys, it's… it's just…"

"Not a situation that's comfortable to be in," Gibbs finished for him, turning back to the boat.

"Yeah." Tony inhaled deeply and sighed softly, trying to calm himself down. The more he talked, though, the more worked up he got, recalling his fear and desperation at being in the room. "There was three of them, mainly. Two really big guys and one really skinny guy."

"Richard."

"Yeah, Richard." Tony closed his eyes, bringing his feet up to the fifth step. "Uh, he… he did all the talking… k-kept saying that he… he had lessons to teach me. 'Ev-everything in due time' and all that stuff. K-kept saying that… that I had put him through hell…"

"That wasn't you," Gibbs said quietly, looking over at Tony.

"I-I know that, B-boss," Tony said, wrapping his arms around his knees. Gibbs watched as Tony grew more and more scared, realizing that his agent was, in his mind, back in Richard's basement. "Th-they… they…"

Before he could say any more, Tony felt his throat close in blind panic. His body started shaking even more as he gasped for breath, trying to get himself mentally out of the basement. His attempts to calm himself down were pretty much futile, as Tony had worked himself into a full-blown panic attack.

Gibbs had stopped working on the boat as soon as Tony had started stuttering. He moved to the stairs, sitting next to Tony. He put his arm around Tony's trembling shoulders, pulling the younger man close and pushing Tony's head toward his chest. "It's okay," he said softly, rubbing gentle, small circles into Tony's back. "You're okay."

Tony couldn't say anything, still gasping for breath as he shook involuntarily. He pulled his knees tighter into his chest, trying to pull himself out of the attack but finding it a lot harder than he had expected.

"Deep breaths, Tony," Gibbs instructed soothingly. "Focus on your breathing."

Tony stiffly nodded, following Gibbs' instructions. His body was still shaking, but breathing was getting a lot easier. He felt Gibbs rubbing his back, finding that more comforting to him than he would have expected. He took a few more deep breaths, finally starting to come out of the panic.

"That's it, Tony," Gibbs said softly. "Deep breaths."

Tony sighed softly, keeping his body curled up as he stopped shaking and started breathing easily. "I-I'm sorry, B-boss," he whispered, his voice oddly hoarse after the attack.

"Nothin' to be sorry about, DiNozzo," Gibbs replied gently.

"Don't know what happened."

"What you're talkin' about, isn't easy."

Tony nodded quietly. "I… I haven't had a p-panic attack in years," he said softly.

"You haven't had a reason to," Gibbs said. Tony nodded silently, keeping himself curled in a ball. As Tony started to relax, he started to pull away from Gibbs, who let the younger man control the situation. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Tony said, his face suddenly flushed with embarrassment. "I… uh… I think I'm j-just going to go to bed." Tony stood up quickly, offering an equally quick, "night," before disappearing up the stairs and out of the basement. Gibbs watched the younger man go with a heavy sigh and an even heavier heart.

Tony had a longer road to travel than anyone thought.


	20. Chapter 19

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Tony gets a little more detailed and graphic in this chapter, so be cautioned. It's not bad, but I figured I throw the warning out there. I hope you guys enjoy the story, and please review! :)

* * *

Chapter 19: Going Deeper or Sinking?

Tony stared intensely at the board in front of him, analyzing the position of each of the pieces. He couldn't be sure who was winning at the moment- him or Ducky. The older man was sitting across Gibbs' table from Tony, patiently waiting and watching Tony's movements.

Tony finally moved his checker piece, staring at the game board. Ducky took a few moments to ponder Tony's move before reacting and sliding one of his pieces. The ball back in his court, Tony stared at the game again. He made his move after nearly ten minutes, and Ducky responded a minute later.

The game continued that way for a while until Ducky cleared his throat, breaking Tony's concentration. "Are you okay, Anthony?" he asked.

"Fine, Ducky," Tony replied with a dismissive nod.

Ducky nodded. "You're a lot quieter today than usual."

Tony shrugged, shaking his head. "I'm tired, and I don't really feel like talking, because I also don't really have anything to say. Plus, I just came back from the psychiatrist. I really don't feel like being psychoanalyzed again right now."

"Fair enough."

Tony nodded silently, staring at the board again.

"But you do know you can always talk to me, right?" Ducky asked. "Without being concerned about anything?"

Tony nodded again. "Yeah, Ducky. I know."

Ducky patted Tony's shoulder gently as a small smirk grew on the younger man's face. Tony made his move with a triumphant grin.

"Ha-ha!" he said. "King me!"

Ducky smiled, putting a checker on top of Tony's piece. He was glad to see that despite the world of hurt Tony was in, there were still a few moments where his normal youthful exuberance showed. Ducky moved his piece, sending Tony back into his focused state. This made Ducky frown. As quickly as Tony had come, he had gone again. To the older man, this was expected, but he knew that this was hard on everyone else to watch. He reached forward, patting Tony on the shoulder again and giving the younger man a small smile of encouragement as Tony continued the game.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked into Jenny's office, sighing and slamming the door behind him. She jumped at the loud noise, looking up from the case folders in front of her. "You wanted to see me, Director?" Gibbs asked with his characteristic annoyance. She sighed.

"Yes, I did," she replied, taking off her glasses and standing.

"What do you need?"

She walked around to the front of her desk, leaning up against it. "How's Tony?"

Gibbs sighed, rolling his eyes. "You called me in here to ask me about Tony?"

"Yes. I'm concerned about his progress."

"Why not just go see him, Jen?"

She sighed softly. "I've been busy," she said quietly.

Gibbs rolled his eyes again. "We all have, Jen. You wanna know how he is? Go see him for yourself."

"Jethro…"

He sighed softly. "It's not easy for the rest of us either. He's not himself. He's doing better, but he still needs help, and a lot of it. Including yours."

Jenny nodded, wrapping her arms around herself as she continued to lean against her desk. Gibbs watched her quietly before taking a few steps closer to her.

"You should go see him," he said softly, looking her in the eye. "Might be nice to know that the director, who put him into a dangerous undercover mission last year, still gives a damn even though it's over."

She nodded quietly, saying nothing. Gibbs turned, heading for the door. He put his hand on the doorknob as she spoke again.

"He still staying with you?" she asked softly.

Gibbs turned, giving her a quick nod before walking out of her office. She sighed quietly, moving and sitting behind her desk as she contemplated Gibbs' words.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs had retired to the basement later that night after dinner, the same as every night before. As he worked, he heard the floor creak upstairs before hearing the stairs creak. Gibbs worked to mask his surprise. For the first time in three days, Tony was back in the basement. Gibbs had been convinced that Tony wouldn't come back for at least a week, out of fear and embarrassment. Yet, here he was and this time, he had made it even further down the stairs. Gibbs realized, though, that this was Tony's way of exorcising his demons, which included getting used to being in a basement again.

Tony sat on the stairs, wringing his hands together. Gibbs glanced over, catching Tony's look before turning back to the boat. The best thing for Tony to open up was a Gibbs who didn't seem to be paying attention. Tony sighed softly.

"The…" Tony started before stopping abruptly. Gibbs didn't have to turn and look to see that Tony was trying to figure out what to say.

After a few moments of silence, Gibbs gently offered, "take your time." He was trying to offer Tony some level of comfort while keeping his distance, doing his best to keep Tony at ease.

"Sorry," Tony said with a deep sigh. "Sometimes I get ahead of myself." He paused again, finally sorting out things in his mind. "The first night there… it was kinda could, so… they built a fire so I wouldn't freeze to death in the mean time. They… they wouldn't get what they wanted if I did, you know?"

Gibbs nodded, and Tony glanced over briefly to see the older man still working on his boat. It wasn't that Gibbs was being callous, but that he was trying to give Tony space while still supporting him. Tony understood and was thankful for that.

"There was a lot of smoke in the room… not enough to kill anyone, because that would defeat the purpose, but enough to make it more uncomfortable. It got really hot in that room that night… I was sweating all night, and… well… I think we both know what I was wearing in that room."

Gibbs nodded, and Tony sighed, looking silently around the basement for a moment. "During the day…" Tony began to continue. "It got so hot in there. And at night, it was… it was so cold they had to heat the place. The first night, it was a fire. Then they began to use blankets, because… because I was cut a-and bleeding, so the blanket would stick, and… and it'd hurt that much more when they pulled them off."

Tony swallowed hard, trying to keep his emotions at bay as he continued. He looked over at Gibbs, finding that the older man had paused for the moment, which made Tony that much more determined not to panic again. He took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself as he closed his eyes. His mind reverted back to Richard's basement, and he forced his eyes open quickly, showing that he wasn't there.

He was with Gibbs.

He swallowed again, steadying his breathing again. "It… it was hell, Gibbs," he finally whispered softly. Gibbs nodded, having stopped working to walk over to where Tony sat. Tony sighed, looking down at his feet. "Th-that's the only real way to describe it. I-it was just… just hell."

Gibbs nodded quietly.

"I-I… I'm s-sorry, G-Gibbs," Tony stuttered, his hands trembling. "I… I c-can't…"

Gibbs nodded again, reaching out and gently putting his hand on Tony's back. He rubbed his back softly, feeling the younger man shaking.

"I… I'm so s-sorry. I-I… I just…"

"It's okay, Tony," Gibbs said softly. "You've done nothing wrong."

"I just… I wish everything was okay," Tony said quietly, his voice shaky. "But it's not going to be. It… it's not going to be okay. It's not going to ever be the same. I-I know I'll learn to live again with… with… this… but…" His hands shook worse as he talked, causing him to drop his head down toward his chest.

Gibbs rubbed Tony's back gently, not sure what to say at the moment. He was prepared to deal with his agents getting hurt on the job and getting shot at. He was, unfortunately, good at helping them deal with death. He rarely had to help Tony deal with anything, as Tony tended to take care of himself, but this was different. Tony had never dealt with something as personal and heavy as this.

Gibbs wasn't denying that losing Kate had been hard. They had worked closely with her for the better part of two years. She was one of them. She was a closer family member to them than anyone they had. And she was taken so brutally from them, her blood sprayed across Tony's face. That had been hard for Tony to move past.

And Paula's death was just as hard on Tony. Paula was, arguably, Tony's best friend, one of the only people he had ever known Tony to trust completely and to confide in. He had been struggling with the thought that it could've been him, that he and the rest of the team could've died the day before. And when Paula saved them at the expense of herself, it was like another piece of Tony had died out.

He had rebounded then.

But this… this was different. This wasn't that someone had died. This wasn't something he was going through with other people. This wasn't something that happened to someone else. This had shattered Tony, stripped down anything and everything that had made him who he was. And with his underlying coping issues, this wasn't something Tony was well equipped to deal with.

Gibbs knew that, though.

So he tried his best to be whatever he felt Tony needed him to be at the moment, whether that was a father-type figure to keep him in line, a reacting wall to talk to, or someone who would actually offer advice. But when it came to moments like this, where there wasn't much for Gibbs to draw on with Tony… he had no idea what to do.

That bothered Gibbs more than he could ever say.

"I-I'm s-sorry, Boss," Tony said, his voice nothing more than a painful, shaky whisper. "I-I'm trying."

"You're doing fine, Tony," Gibbs said gently.

"No." Tony looked over at Gibbs, his eyes wide with fear and pain. "No. I'm not doing fine. That's the problem." He sighed heavily, standing up. "I'm not okay, Gibbs, and that's the friggen problem."

Gibbs said nothing, watching Tony as the younger man leaned against the wall. Tony sighed again, calming down from his anger burst.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said quietly after a moment. "I know this is hard to hear and accept but…"

"I know," Tony replied softly. "It's not going to be okay. Even though all this went down a while ago, it's not going to be okay. Not any time soon. And… I… I don't know how this is going to end. How this is going to get… get to somewhere I can move on." Tony hugged himself tightly before shaking his head. "Sydney says it gets easier every day, that I… I'm getting better every day, but… I don't see it."

"I do," Gibbs said softly. Tony looked over at him silently. "Every day you're getting up easier. You're talking easier. You made it further into the basement. You're right, Tony, it's not going to be okay any time soon. But you're making progress. It's not all that long ago that you were catatonic, and yet now you're starting to open up. It's not easy, and it's not an overnight thing, but you're making progress. I'm proud of you."

Tony nodded, saying nothing with a slight but mostly sad smile. "Yeah," Tony said softly. "Now you are. But if you knew what I let them do to me…"

"I'd still be proud you survived."

Tony nodded silently, closing his eyes. "I'm tired."

Gibbs nodded, saying nothing.

"Night," Tony said quickly, walking up the stairs. Gibbs watched his senior agent in silence, wondering what the next few days would bring after this conversation. He silently hoped he would be able to help Tony no matter what, but he was beginning to think that wouldn't happen.


	21. Chapter 20

A/N: As promised, the weekly update. :) See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Tony gets a little more emotional by the end of this chapter, so I'd have those tissues ready. As always, I hope you enjoy the chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Chapter 20: Take Me Out

Ziva walked into the house, finding Tony lounging on the couch as always. His body position was relaxed, but his face was agitated. "Something the matter, Tony?" she asked softly.

"I'm bored," he replied.

"Well, I have an idea."

"Shoot," Tony said, sitting upright quickly.

"I do not think you really want me to shoot you," Ziva said, confused.

"No, I mean, tell me your idea."

"Okay. Let's go out."

"Okay. Where are we going?"

"Get dressed and you will find out."

"You know, I don't like surprises," Tony said as he stood. "But for you and for today, Miss David, I think I'll make an exception."

"You either do or I will shoot you," Ziva replied, smirking. She was fortunate for the few instances where Tony actually was back to his old self. It made the moments where Tony wasn't himself that much better to deal with.

Tony reappeared in a pair of loose jeans and a T-shirt, and Ziva looked at him critically. "I've lost some weight," Tony conceded quietly.

"Quite a bit," she replied.

He sighed softly. "I just… have no appetite. I eat something but… Gibbs isn't gonna sit here and force-feed me… mostly because Ducky won't let him."

Ziva smiled slightly.

"But… I mean, you've been here. You've watched me eat."

"Yes, I have," she said softly, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Which is why I think we need to get you some new pants."

"What's wrong with these?" he asked, furrowing his brow.

"Even with the belt, they are falling off."

"That's because I haven't been working out either."

"You work out?" she teased gently. He smiled.

"Sometimes," he replied. "So, are we leaving or what?"

"Yes."

"And we'll get me new clothes if you go shopping for swimsuits."

She rolled her eyes, sighing. "No."

"Then I'm not going shopping."

"You're not driving, Tony."

"I have a choice, Ziva," he said.

"You want to stay inside all day?" she asked.

"Maybe I'll go for a run."

"When was the last time you went for a run?"

Tony shrugged. "What does that matter? I know not to over-do it."

"What would you rather do, Tony?"

"It doesn't matter to me, Ziva. I just don't want to go shopping without getting something out of it for me."

"You're getting clothes."

"That's not what I meant."

She sighed again before smirking. "Fine. BUT, I get to pick out the swimsuits, not you."

He grinned childishly. "Deal."

They walked over to her car, climbing in. They drove to the mall, with Tony bracing for dear life as Ziva swerved in and out of traffic. When she finally pulled into a parking space, he caught his breath, glancing over at her.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"I'm driving back," he replied.

She shrugged. "Whatever, Tony." They climbed out of the car and walked into the mall for the day's shopping trip.

*~*~*~*

They returned back to Gibbs' house, leaving Ziva's bags in the car and bringing Tony's into the house. They dropped them off in his room before walking back into the living room and sitting on the couch. He stifled a yawn, and she frowned. "Still not sleeping well?" she asked.

"I'm sleeping better," Tony told her honestly. "I just haven't been out much."

"Yes, I can see that. You are turning as white as a bunny."

Tony furrowed his brow, confused for a moment before shaking his head. "Ghost or snow, Ziva," he said. "No one says bunny."

"Bunnies are white, yes?" she said.

"Not all bunnies."

"Well, whatever."

Tony smiled.

"How about a movie?" Ziva asked.

"Good plan," Tony replied. "Which one?"

Before either of them could say anything else, there was a knock on the door. They looked at each other before Ziva got up to answer it, finding Jenny standing there. "Director," she greeted. Tony's eyebrows shot up.

"Hi, Ziva," Jenny replied.

"Come on in."

Jenny nodded, walking in and heading for the couch. Tony stood up, greeting Jenny with a gentle hug. "Hey, Jenny," he said softly.

"Hi, Tony," she replied. "How're you doing?"

"I'm doing better."

They sat down, and Ziva smiled. "We were just about to put in a movie," Ziva said. "Would you like to join us, Director?"

"I don't want to impose," Jenny said. "I just came to see for myself how you're doing."

"Feel free to stay," Tony replied with a smile. "I like the company."

"Keeps you from thinking?" Ziva asked softly. Tony sighed.

"No, it's not that. It's just… I've gotten used to always having someone here. It'd be weird to not have that anymore."

"If you plan on going home at some point, you are going to need to get used to it."

"Yeah, I know." He sighed softly. "I'd be okay with it. But I like the company while I can get it."

Neither woman said anything, simply smiling and sitting on the couch with him. "So, what movie are we putting in?" Ziva asked after a moment.

"Ladies choice," Tony said. Ziva looked over at Jenny, who shrugged.

"I probably won't stay that long," she said. "You two are better off picking the movie."

Ziva and Tony looked at one another. "_Great Escape_!" they said at the same time. Jenny looked back and forth between them, amused.

After the decision was made, Ziva got up and put in the movie. Jenny sat with them as the movie began, watching as Tony commented on almost everything and Ziva would roll her eyes and come back with something else. Jenny smiled, knowing that meant that Tony was starting to do better. For that, she was happy, because Tony was a good agent and someone she cared about.

What she didn't know, and what no one but Gibbs and Tony knew, was that she wasn't seeing the whole picture.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked in that night, finding Tony and Ziva watching a different movie. Watching wasn't an accurate description, as the two of them were bickering over a plot point. He shook his head, smiling slightly at the ridiculousness of their argument.

He put the bag of Chinese food down in front of them, and the fighting temporarily paused as they both reached into the bag for food. They were relatively quiet until they pulled out the boxes and decided to start picking at each other's foods. Gibbs rolled his eyes, eating his own dinner in another chair as the two of them fought.

Just like old times.

After dinner, Ziva left, and Tony excused himself to take a shower. Gibbs cleaned up the mess Tony and Ziva had made, which was mostly the empty cartons he told them to leave, before going downstairs to work on the boat. After a little while, the stairs creaked, and Tony made it even further into the basement tonight.

"How do you go about things when you look at everything differently?" Tony asked quietly.

Gibbs glanced over, noticing that for once, Tony expected him to answer. Gibbs sighed, shrugging and continuing working. "You figure out how you're looking at them," Gibbs replied. "Once you know that, you'll know how to handle it."

"What if you can't figure that out?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if something so terrible happened to you that you just… you don't know how to… where to go… what to do… How do you figure things out?"

Gibbs pondered the question for a minute. This was another thing he wasn't good at- the personal and philosophical questions. But he had to try to answer this. "I'm not sure," he said finally. "I don't know how to answer that."

Tony sighed.

"Have you tried asking Sydney? Or Ducky? Or anyone else?"

"No," Tony said. "I still don't… want them to think… and if I were to ask Ziva or McGee something like this, then they'd know there was something more."

"How do you figure?" Gibbs asked, glancing over.

"How many times have I been kidnapped?" Tony returned. "Beaten? Almost killed?"

"I lost count."

"But this one gets to me?"

"You were tortured, DiNozzo. That's different."

"How? How's that so damn different?"

Gibbs looked over to Tony.

"That's what I can't wrap my head around," the younger man continued quietly. "I've been beaten before. I've been kidnapped. I've almost died before. But this… this is different…"

"No one's ever done that to you before," Gibbs said softly, turning his glance from Tony as he felt himself getting slightly emotional.

"No," Tony whispered. "They haven't."

Gibbs said nothing, keeping himself from looking at Tony.

"I've been beaten," Tony continued. "I've been betrayed. I've been kidnapped, nearly killed… hospitalized by people I'm supposed to trust… hurt by people I'm supposed to trust… but… but never… like that. I just…" Tony's voice cracked, giving away his emotions even though Gibbs still wasn't looking at him. "I don't know what to do, Gibbs. I don't know how to move on."

Gibbs cleared his throat of any emotion, still keeping his vision away from his agent. "Sometimes, Tony, admitting it and getting the words out there is a start," he said softly.

"I… I know. Th-that's what S-Sydney's been saying. But… I-I don't know, Gibbs. I-I can't."

Gibbs nodded silently, not sure what else to say.

Out of nowhere, Tony slammed his fist into Gibbs' stairs, causing the older man to jump slightly. "It just doesn't make any sense, Gibbs!" he said loudly. "Why? I don't get it." He punched the wall, and Gibbs walked over toward the stairs.

"What don't you get?" Gibbs asked gently, hoping that Tony would stop hurting himself.

"EVERYTHING!" Tony swung for the wall again, only to have his hand caught by Gibbs. "I don't understand! I..." Tony's voice lost its volume as he lost control of his emotions and started crying. "I don't understand anything anymore. I can't handle this, Gibbs. I can't function like this." Tony took his clean hand and covered his face, crying into it.

Gibbs closed his eyes, sliding onto the stair next to Tony and extending a comforting arm to the younger man. Tony decided that it wasn't worth pretending anymore as he cried into his good hand. Gibbs was still holding Tony's other wrist, which was attached to Tony's bleeding hand. Gibbs struggled to keep his own emotions at bay as the man, who he had come to care about as the son he never had, broke down in front of him. It wasn't the first time that Tony had cried in front of him, but it was the first time that Tony was open about it.

"I c-can't do this, Boss," Tony cried. Gibbs sighed softly, pulling Tony against him gently. "It's too much."

"You're doing great, Tony," Gibbs assured him. "You're doing very well."

"But I don't think I can do this anymore. I just… every time I think I'm s-starting to get better, I end up three feet behind."

"You're being too hard on yourself. You're making good progress."

"I just want to be okay again, Gibbs."

"You'll get there. It just takes some time."

Tony cried harder, quietly repeating, "I just want to be okay" to himself. Gibbs swallowed, trying not to let Tony know how much seeing Tony like this was hurting him. After a while, Tony calmed down, and Gibbs finally let go of his wrist.

"Let's get your hand cleaned up," Gibbs said. Tony nodded silently, standing up with Gibbs help. The two of them went upstairs into the bathroom where they washed out the cuts and bandaged them. "Is it hurting badly?"

Tony shook his head silently.

"Tomorrow we'll have Ducky look at it."

Tony nodded, still not saying anything.

"Do you want to get some rest now?"

Tony nodded again without a word.

"Okay. Go ahead."

Tony started to make his way up the stairs before stopping. "I'm sorry, Boss," he said softly.

"You have no reason to be sorry," Gibbs told him.

"I just want everything to be okay again."

"I know."

Tony nodded, turning and starting up the stairs again before stopping and turning back around. "Thanks for everything you've been doing, Boss," he said softly.

Gibbs nodded, not sure what else to say.

"Good night," Tony said, walking upstairs and leaving Gibbs alone in the living room with his own thoughts.


	22. Chapter 21

A/N: Another 2 for 1 week... bonus update today, with our regularly scheduled Friday update. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. This chapter's a little longer than others, which is good (I think). This is also a chapter where some dark stuff comes up (which some of you have managed to piece together by now... good for you! :D), so be forewarned of that too. Finally, the end of the chapter is emotional, so keep those tissues ready! Having said all that, I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, and please review. :)

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Chapter 21: Playtime!

Gibbs and Tony were watching the news after breakfast when Ziva, McGee, and Abby walked in. Ziva was holding a towel, Abby had a huge umbrella, and McGee was carrying the cooler. All three of them had pushed their sunglasses onto the top of their heads when they entered the room.

Tony looked over in curiosity before smiling slightly. "Beach day?" he asked.

"Yes," Ziva said.

"And if I'm going, you're going," Abby concluded with a confident smile.

Tony looked over at Gibbs, who was smirking but watching the TV. "You knew about this, didn't you?" he asked.

Gibbs looked over at Tony as innocently as possible. "Know about what?" the older man asked.

"Come on, Tony," Abby said. "Please, please, pretty please?"

"Fine," Tony replied. "But only if Ziva's wearing the bikini we picked out the other day."

She smirked, saying nothing.

Tony got up with a slight sigh, going into Gibbs' guest room, which had essentially become his bedroom. He re-emerged a few moments later clad in swimming trunks and a T-shirt.

"You know, I never thought I'd hear you complain about going to the beach," Abby said. "Cute girls in bikinis? I thought you'd be all over that."

Tony shrugged. "I am," he replied, grabbing a towel.

"Have fun," Gibbs said as the group departed from the house.

*~*~*~*

The drive to the beach was filled with lighthearted chatter, talking about how work has been and where everyone else was today. Ducky and Palmer were working a case for Balboa, so they were busy, or else Palmer would have likely joined them.

They reached the beach, climbing out of the car and gathering their gear. They walked onto the sand, and Tony inhaled deeply, taking in the smell of the sunscreen, salt water, and sea breezes that came with being at the beach. Instantly a feeling of calm came over him. Things just felt so normal that Tony felt so much more at ease.

They set down their blanket, and Abby immediately set up her umbrella. She kept her sundress on as McGee and Ziva took off their clothes to reveal their bathing suits. Tony chose to keep his shirt on, something that made Ziva quirk an eyebrow.

"You're not taking off your shirt?" she asked.

"Nah," Tony replied.

"Why not?"

"I don't want to get too cold in the water."

"Oh, come on," McGee said. "You're afraid of cold water? You, who threw yourself in the path of a wave to save the evidence on the body, are afraid of getting cold?"

"If you recall, Probie, I was wearing clothes when I did that," Tony said.

"I think you're smart," Abby said. "The less exposed skin, the better."

"Don't you hate tan lines?" McGee continued.

"Probie, drop it," Tony said darkly. McGee nodded, suddenly too spooked to push it further. After they put on sunscreen, Ziva and McGee went into the water, leaving Tony and Abby alone.

"What's the real reason you don't want to take your shirt off?" she asked gently. Tony sighed.

"I don't want anyone to see," he replied honestly.

"See what? The scars?"

Tony nodded, and Abby reached out, hugging him tightly. He returned the hug, sighing softly.

"Does that seem weird?" Tony asked quietly.

"Seems normal to me," Abby said with a shrug. "Scars are physical reminders of what happened. I wouldn't want to see scars of something bad that happened to me."

Tony nodded quietly. "Thanks, Abbs," he said softly.

"No problem," she replied, smiling.

"Okay, I think it's time to go drown McGee."

"Yes!"

The two of them jumped up, giggling and running toward the water.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs strolled into Autopsy, finding Ducky alone. "I sent Mr. Palmer home," Ducky said. "He was here all night. He needed the rest."

"He's your employee, Duck," Gibbs replied, shrugging. Ducky nodded.

"Yes, I know. And Anthony is your employee."

"Yeah."

"How's he doing, in your opinion?"

"Seems to be doing better," Gibbs said, shrugging.

"I see that too," Ducky replied. "Has he been talking to you?"

"Some."

"That's even better. He's mentioned that his psychiatrist, Dr. Sydney Jansen, is someone he's been talking to."

Gibbs shrugged.

"I'm glad that he is," Ducky said. "I'm sure he's finding it just as therapeutic."

"More like frustrating," Gibbs replied.

"It's hard for him to tell you anything, Gibbs. He's putting a lot of pressure on himself to tell you, but he's also afraid that you're going to think of him differently if you know. No matter how much you tell him otherwise, he's not going to believe it until he sees it for himself, but in order to do that, he's going to have to try. He thinks he's done something wrong, so he's more likely to not want to admit it."

"He hasn't, though."

"And part of him knows that. It's that part that keeps pushing him to talk about it. And fortunately, with Dr. Jansen, he's getting it out to someone who, in the scheme of things, doesn't matter to him. That gives him some more confidence to talk to you. And everyone's continual support and not running away from him has made him more comfortable. All these things acting together help to reverse some of the damage and makes him more able to listen to that little voice that keeps telling him to talk to you."

Gibbs nodded, silently.

"He's doing better, Jethro. I assure you of that," Ducky said. "I think we all know that he'll never be the same."

"You think can he come back to this job?" Gibbs asked.

"I have no doubts. Tony's always been good at separating his personal and professional lives."

Gibbs nodded again.

"Our lovely director was asking the same thing the other day," Ducky said.

"Before or after she went to see him?" Gibbs asked.

"Before. I told her to make her own judgments when she went to see him."

"She talked to you since?"

"No, not yet."

"Be interesting to see what she thinks now."

Ducky smiled slightly. "I'm sure she's as reassured as we are. Tony's doing much better than when he first woke up in the hospital."

"Yeah, I know," Gibbs said with a slight sigh.

"I imagine it can't be easy to watch him each night."

Gibbs shook his head. "He keeps trying to figure out why."

"Why he feels the way he does, or why this happened to him?" Ducky asked.

"Why he feels this way," Gibbs replied. "And he's asking how he's supposed to move on. I can't answer him, Duck."

"Unfortunately, no one can, Jethro. It's something Tony needs to figure out on his own."

Gibbs nodded.

"How're you doing?"

"I'm fine," Gibbs replied in his characteristic dismissal.

"It's not easy hearing what Tony's saying," Ducky addressed.

Gibbs cut him off with a look.

"I'm just saying, Jethro," Ducky said. "The team's not doing well with what they've been seeing, and even though Anthony's been bouncing back quicker than they expected, they're not getting better with it. They took him to the beach today to see him get out, but they're worried about how he's really coping. If he's putting on an act when they're there."

"What do you think, Duck?" Gibbs replied.

"I know he is."

Gibbs nodded.

"But I also can see that he's really doing better," Ducky continued. "He's been doing a lot better since he started opening up to you over the past couple of weeks. It's good to see. And his acting has gotten better because of that. It took him a little time to figure out that he didn't need to pretend, and that it was okay to not be okay in front of everyone. And they all noticed that he was worse than he was letting on. But they can see that while he's not 100 percent and he may never be, he's at least functioning again. Entertaining again."

"Annoying again," Gibbs said.

Ducky chuckled. "That too. They're seeing there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Especially Abigail. I think she's the only other person Tony's been completely honest with, but without telling her anything."

Gibbs nodded again, staying silent.

"Once Anthony returns and is okay, everyone else will settle down," Ducky concluded.

Gibbs nodded again, saying nothing as he walked away from Autopsy to go to his desk.

*~*~*~*

After swimming for a little while and eating lunch, the group settled down. Ziva began reading her book while McGee simply lay out in the sun. Tony and Abby were talking under Abby's umbrella. After a little while, the three of them heard a soft snore come from McGee, and Tony and Abby both grinned.

"He's asleep," Abby said.

"Leave him be," Ziva said softly, almost half-heartedly. She knew no matter what she said, she couldn't stop the two of them.

"Oh, come on, Zi-vah," Tony said. "It's only fair. He was teasing me earlier."

Ziva shrugged, turning back to her book.

"What should we do?" Abby asked. "Pour soda on him?"

"He'll wake up," Tony replied.

"Drag him to the water and leave him there?"

"That'll wake him up too."

"Bury him in the sand?"

Tony's eyes lit up, and it was immediately decided. The two of them worked quickly to dig a McGee-sized ditch in the sand before gently moving their victim into it. They covered him in sand up to his neck, high-fiving at a job well done as McGee hadn't woken up with everything they did to him.

Tony quickly put McGee's sunglasses over his eyes and his hat on his head, covering him up with a mischievous giggle. Abby smiled before hurrying away from McGee as the younger man started to stir. When he didn't wake up, Tony giggled again, moving back onto his previous position on the blanket.

Ziva shook her head at the childishness of the prank, but smiled behind the cover of her book. Each day, Tony was becoming more and more like himself.

*~*~*~*

The four of them returned to Gibbs' house to find that Ducky was over there. "Outside," Gibbs commanded. A very sandy McGee turned around, walking outside with the other three to hose themselves off before walking back into the house. Gibbs and Ducky looked at one another before looking at the others.

"Did you have fun?" Ducky asked.

"Oh yeah," Abby said, smiling. McGee furrowed his brow.

"They buried me in the sand," he said.

"Are ya ever gonna learn, McGee?" Gibbs asked as Ducky smiled.

Tony chuckled, going upstairs and taking a quick shower. Ziva claimed the downstairs shower while Abby and McGee talked with Gibbs and Ducky in the kitchen. After their showers, Tony and Ziva joined Gibbs and Ducky while Abby and McGee took showers.

"Mr. Palmer should be getting here shortly," Ducky said.

"Family dinner?" Tony asked skeptically. Ducky, Gibbs, and Ziva looked at one another before looking at Tony. "What? Am I the only person who didn't have that?"

"I did not either," Ziva said. "But I thought that was a tradition."

"For some."

The room fell silent, everyone looking around before Gibbs and Ducky went back to cooking. Palmer arrived shortly before McGee and Abby got out of the showers. The seven of them sat down to dinner in Gibbs' dining room, talking about the day at the beach and the case Balboa caught. Both Gibbs and Ducky found themselves relieved to learn that Tony still had some of his juvenile tendencies, as the team talked about their adventures both in the water and burying McGee in the sand. It was almost like having Tony back.

Almost.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs went downstairs to work on his boat after everyone had left for the evening. After a little while of working, he heard the now familiar steps on his stairs and looked over as Tony walked off of them for the first time. Gibbs watched as the younger man made his way over toward the boat.

"She's really coming along, huh?" Tony asked. Gibbs nodded, turning back to the boat. Tony sighed, sitting down on one of the little benches near his workbench.

"I'm impressed, DiNozzo," Gibbs said.

"Oh?"

Gibbs turned around. "You made it."

Tony sighed, shrugging. "Just because I'm sitting here doesn't mean I'm doing better."

"But making it here is a start."

Tony nodded, shrugging. "I feel like all I've had is starts, and nothing else."

Gibbs arched his eyebrows, not turning to face Tony. "What makes you say that, DiNozzo?"

"Because… I haven't even yet been able to… make it through the story, you know? I keep trying and… I can never make it."

"Why do you think that is, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked gently.

"Because I'm embarrassed," Tony answered. "I feel like I screwed this up. I know I didn't, but I can't help thinking I did. And… I think I'm afraid to admit it."

"Why?"

"Because it means that… that I wasn't in control. That… I… well, I think you know what I'm trying to say, Gibbs."

Gibbs shrugged, cocking his head with acknowledgement.

"I mean, how many cases have we worked?" Tony continued. "Where… where that happened… I mean… as a cop… those were always the worst cases. I never worked in that unit, but I still managed to catch quite a few a year."

"It happens often," Gibbs said.

"Yeah, it does." Tony fell silent for a moment, looking down at the ground.

Gibbs glanced over, catching the serious look on Tony's face. He knew Tony was about to say something, but wasn't sure what. After a while of Tony's silence, Gibbs finally said, "What is it, DiNozzo?"

"Boss…" Tony said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I… I was…"

Gibbs looked up to see Tony struggling with his emotions. The older man remained silent, giving Tony space to get out what he needed to.

With a heavy sigh, Tony finally whispered, "I was raped, Boss."

Gibbs nodded, looking down. Despite having known that since they had found Tony, hearing the words come from Tony's mouth had lulled him into silence. When Gibbs looked up he found Tony watching him, and for the first time in a long time, he found himself unable to think of something to say to his senior field agent.

"I'm so sorry," Tony said, tears stinging his eyes. "I… I le-"

"This isn't your fault, Tony," Gibbs said softly, making eye contact with Tony. The younger man looked away quickly while Gibbs maintained his distance, not wanting to make Tony any more uncomfortable.

"If it wasn't my fault, then why did they take me?" Tony asked. Gibbs said nothing, turning back to the boat as Tony continued his line of thinking. "They could've snagged McGee or Ziva. They wanted me. They kidnapped me. And they did this to me. Yes, I had no control over what they did, but… this was about me, Gibbs."

"Going by that logic, then it was about me too."

Tony rolled his eyes, saying nothing but growing angrier.

"They planned this to get back at me as much as you," Gibbs said.

"If they wanted to hurt you, then why the hell didn't they take you?" Tony snapped.

Gibbs looked over at the younger man, finding his face revealing a mix of anger, frustration, and fear. "They wouldn't," Gibbs said softly.

"Because you're stronger than me? They wouldn't be able to break you, so they went for me, because they knew I was weak. Is that what you're saying?"

"No."

"Then spit it out, Gibbs!" Tony was so angry his entire body was shaking.

Gibbs looked over at the younger man with a sad expression on his face. "They took you because they knew that would hurt me worse than if they took me themselves."

Tony's mouth dropped slightly at Gibbs' admission, taking away all the anger that he had.

"I take it harder when someone does something to one of my people," Gibbs continued.

"Yeah, I've noticed," Tony said softly.

Gibbs nodded silently, watching as Tony looked down at his feet.

"I'm sorry," Tony whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Tony," Gibbs replied, his voice matching Tony's volume.

"I don't mean to snap at you."

Gibbs half-shrugged. "Comes with the territory."

Tony shrugged slightly, biting down on his lip. "Yeah… I guess. I-I don't know. This is kinda new to me."

"Me too," Gibbs admitted. "Never had one of my agents…"

"Tortured like I was before?" Tony finished for him.

Gibbs nodded.

"It's just…" Tony's voice trailed off momentarily before he found the words he wanted to say. "I never expected to… be… the victim. You know? I've always been the good guy, hunting dirt bags and putting them away. And even with everything that happened to me before, I… I never felt like a victim. But…with this… I can't help but feel…"

"Like a victim," Gibbs finished for him.

"Yeah." Tony sighed, looking back up at Gibbs. "But… I am a victim. I've been… hurt. Raped. And now, I need to learn how to live with that."


	23. Chapter 22

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Tony gets to be alone for the first time... and there's a mention to the BAU being around in the chapter, but that's as far as it goes. I hope you enjoy, and please review!

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Chapter 22: Alone at Last

Tony made his way into the kitchen, finding Gibbs sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and the newspaper. The younger man poured himself a cup before sitting at the table.

"Aren't ya gonna eat something?" Gibbs commented.

"I just want some coffee right now," Tony replied.

Gibbs nodded, folding up the section of the paper. He finished his coffee, placing the mug in the sink.

"So, who's coming by today?" Tony asked.

"No one," Gibbs replied.

"No one?"

"Nope."

"I'm alone."

"Yep."

Tony nodded, smiling slightly. A day where he didn't have to pretend.

"You snoop through my things, I will kill you," Gibbs cautioned.

"Understood, Boss," Tony replied.

Gibbs nodded, walking out of the kitchen. He went upstairs, changing and coming back downstairs. Tony had busied himself with making breakfast, and Gibbs looked over.

"I'm leaving," he said.

"See ya later, Boss," Tony replied, smiling.

"I mean it, DiNozzo."

"I know."

Gibbs left, wondering if it really was a good idea to leave Tony alone in his house. Was it too late to get someone to babysit him?

*~*~*~*

After breakfast, Tony cleaned up the dishes. Feeling cramped in the house and wanting to get out, he changed into some comfortable clothes. He tied up his running shoes, grabbing his sunglasses and putting them on. He walked out of the house, stretching a bit in the warm sun.

He started out in Gibbs' front yard, jogging down the street. He started at a slower pace than he normally ran, knowing that he didn't want to push himself too far. He hadn't been running in quite some time, so he didn't want to hurt himself.

But the more he ran, the more he wanted to keep running. Thoughts raced through his mind at warp-speed, some more upsetting than others. The more upsetting the thought, the faster he ran to get it out of his mind. When his thoughts became more pleasant again, he slowed down. It was a constant back and forth movement.

A little while later, he made his way back to Gibbs' house, completely out of breath. He stretched outside before heading back in, stripping off his clothes as he walked through the house. He jumped right into the shower, letting the water run over his body as his muscles finally reacted angrily to today's run.

But the run had been cathartic for him, so he didn't care too much about the sore muscles. The pain would go away, as he knew so well. The physical pain would always go away more easily than the pain in his troubled mind.

And as he thought about his recent conversations with Gibbs, he felt tears stinging his eyes. How much weakness had he shown his boss over the past few days? Past few weeks? Hell, since Tony had joined NCIS, how many times had he been weak in front of Gibbs?

He could only imagine that it was somewhere in the thousands now.

He sighed, pounding his fist against the wall of the shower as he let the warm waster soothe his muscles. He was frustrated that he had been so weak in front of Gibbs, Ducky, and everyone else on the team. He could only imagine what they were all thinking of him now. He bet they thought he was weak, wasn't worth the spot on Gibbs' team.

How did he get that job anyway?

Tony was sure that when he had met Gibbs, the older man hated him. Then again, some days he still felt like Gibbs hated him. Tony and Gibbs, though, had met during an undercover assignment, where Tony had posed as a medical technician to bring down an Angel of Mercy murderer. The doctor had murdered a Naval officer, which had attracted the attention of Gibbs' team, which was mostly Gibbs at that point. There had been another agent, Casper Jennings, who had been with Gibbs at the time, but anyone who saw them noticed that Gibbs was wearing down Casper easily.

Tony had ended up a prime suspect in Gibbs' eyes at first, and was dragged to the police station to be interrogated…

_Flashback:_

"_You've got the wrong guy," Tony said as he allowed himself to be handcuffed by Gibbs._

"_That's what they all say," Casper said, holding the door open as Gibbs shoved Tony in the back of the car. The other two climbed in as well, with Gibbs driving._

"_Where are we going?"_

"_NCIS Headquarters, Washington DC."_

"_Great. I've always wanted to go to DC. Can we just make one stop first, though?"_

"_No."_

"_Where do you want to stop?" Gibbs asked. Tony smirked._

"_Baltimore PD headquarters," Tony replied._

"_Why would you want to stop there?" Casper asked._

"_The guys are never going to believe this."_

_Gibbs smirked. "Undercover?" he asked._

"_Yep," Tony replied. "Detective Anthony DiNozzo, BPD Homicide."_

"_You don't carry your gun and shield with you?" Casper asked._

"_Not when I'm undercover. I keep them in my car. But, since I'm already here with you guys, it's all the same if I just go to the station. Especially if ten minutes after you guys haul me out of there in handcuffs I come back and get my car."_

"_So… you're undercover."_

_Tony looked at Gibbs, who had rolled his eyes. "Yes, Agent Jennings, I'm undercover as a med tech. I mostly move patients back and forth and take vital signs."_

"_They let you do that?_

"_A blind monkey could do that with one hand tied behind his back. Or, maybe you."_

_Gibbs smirked._

"_You don't even know me," Casper said._

"_No, but anyone asking an undercover cop who's identified himself if he's undercover has got to be pretty stupid," Tony commented._

"_Shut up or I'll shoot you."_

"_Shoot me in handcuffs? Come on now. Hey, Agent Gibbs, where'd you get this kid from?"_

"_Detective DiNozzo, why don't you update us on the case?" Gibbs asked, his voice carrying an icy edge._

"_Started a few weeks ago," Tony began seriously. "Patient came in with stab wounds, and was going to make a full recovery. Next thing you know, he's dead. Few days later, recovering gunshot victim dies."_

"_Is it always trauma victims?"_

_Tony nodded. "Always either stabbing, gunshot, or burn victims. Your Naval officer came in after a knife fight in a bar that he tried to break up. That act earned him a six inch in the abdomen. He bled a bit, nicked his intestine, the doctors were worried about infection so they admitted him."_

"_How long you been undercover?"_

"_About two weeks now. I'm pretty established."_

"_Your suspect?"_

"_Seems to be a doctor or PA, not assigned to any one case but maybe a covering physician. Can't prove it yet, though, because there isn't one consistent guy yet."_

"_Look harder."_

"_Hence the undercover op."_

"_Sounds like you need us."_

"_Well, I never said we didn't need you. Just your agent here." Tony nodded at Casper, who groaned in the front seat. Gibbs smirked._

"_I really should've just shot you," Casper said._

"_Shoot an unarmed man who didn't put up a fight?" Tony remarked. "I'm sure they would've had your shield."_

_Casper groaned in response, causing Tony to shake his head._

"_How long have you worked in law enforcement, Agent Jennings?" Tony asked._

"_Few months," Casper replied._

"_When you've been in this game a little longer, then we can talk."_

_Casper rolled his eyes in response._

_End Flashback._

From where Tony had been sitting, he hadn't seen Gibbs' reaction, so he hadn't been sure exactly what Gibbs was thinking. But given their later conversation, Tony had assumed he had crossed a line…

_Flashback:_

_With Casper hunting down a lead with Abby, Gibbs cornered Tony at the detective's desk. "I don't care how long you've been doing this or what you think," Gibbs said. "You are never to insult one of my people again, or I will shoot you myself. Understood?"_

"_I was just making conversation," Tony replied._

"_You were attacking him. You wanna insult anyone? Go after me. Because I promise you, Detective, you won't be able to respond afterward. Am I understood?"_

"_Yes sir," Tony grunted. "My apologies if I've offended you and your agent. I just want this case to be over, because it's been haunting me and my desk for weeks. I want to make sure the best people are on the job."_

"_You have resources, Detective. Use them."_

"_I have been. The FBI only wants to take over, not help, and while taking over isn't a bad thing, Agent Kramer is more of an idiot than me, so the case would never be solved."_

"_But it'd be off your desk," Gibbs grunted._

"_There's only one reason I give a damn how many files are on this desk, Agent Gibbs," Tony replied, slamming his fist into the desk. "That's the number of families who are still waiting for their loved one's murderer to be caught. The number of friends who can't find their peace knowing that their friend's killer is still out there. I don't give a rat's ass about anything else. I care about getting them justice and closure."_

_Gibbs strode away in response._

_End flashback._

For years, Tony had wondered if that was the reason he was hired. Gibbs never would explicitly say why Tony was hired, but Tony had a gut feeling that had something to do with it. Or, it could've been that Tony ended up being the key to solving the case…

_Flashback:_

"_Heya, Doc," Tony said casually, walking down the hall at the hospital._

"_Michael," Dr. Johnson replied guiltily. "What're you doing here? I thought you were arrested."_

"_They caught the wrong guy. I didn't do anything, but got shipped to Washington. Got to see the sights, so I can't complain too much. So, what're you doing?"_

"_I'm just giving medication to Mr. Alvarez."_

"_Oh." Tony felt suspicious, but turned away. "Hey, Doc, I'll catch you later?"_

"_Sure, Michael."_

_Tony left the room, checking his suspicions in the chart. When he realized that Dr. Johnson wasn't actually assigned to Mr. Alvarez's care, he rushed into the room._

"_You're too late," Dr. Johnson said as Mr. Alvarez flatlined. He disconnected the IV tubing._

"_You're under arrest," Tony said._

"_What, citizens' arrest? I don't think so."_

"_I'm not Michael Jacobs. I'm Detective Anthony DiNozzo, Baltimore Homicide."_

"_Yeah, sure." Dr. Johnson acted quickly, wrapping the IV tubing around Tony's neck and choking him. "Too bad you'll never live to tell the tale."_

_Gibbs and Casper burst into the room, guns drawn. "Let him go," Gibbs commanded._

"_I don't think so," Dr. Johnson replied, squeezing the tubing tighter. Tony choked more. "I can kill him before you kill me."_

"_I don't think so."_

_Before anyone had the chance to react, Tony stomped on the doctor's foot while elbowing him in the ribs. Dr. Johnson let go enough that Tony could breathe while the detective fought off his attacker. Gibbs and Casper arrested Dr. Johnson, and Casper led him out of the room. Gibbs knelt down to where Tony had collapsed on the floor._

"_You okay, Detective?" Gibbs asked._

_Tony nodded, coughing and gasping. "Be fine," he choked out._

_Gibbs nodded, pulling him up off the floor._

_End Flashback._

Casper Jennings had quit NCIS shortly after that case, as Tony later found out. Apparently the agent realized NCIS wasn't for him. Meanwhile, Tony had applied to NCIS, being sick of Baltimore Homicide and the politics behind it. When the hole opened on Gibbs' team, he was instantly hired.

It wasn't long before Gibbs had him whipped into shape, and the rest was history. What felt like forever later, Tony was Gibbs' senior field agent. At least for now, he was. Tony wasn't sure if that spot would still be open for him, or if it had gone permanently to McGee in his absence. Would he be able to jump back in that role, or would he be starting from scratch?

Tony got out of the shower, toweling himself off quickly before throwing on some clothes. He made himself comfortable on the couch, settling in with the TV. As he mindlessly watched, his eyes drooped closed, falling asleep.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked into the restaurant, finding his target. With a quick nod, he walked over and sat down across from Fornell. "What do you need, Tobias?" Gibbs asked.

"Some information," Fornell replied.

"About?"

"Former NCIS agent Ryan Sparks."

"What about him?"

"You know him?"

"Nope."

"Know anything about him?"

"Why do you care, Tobias?"

"He was stabbed to death in Quantico last night. Part of a serial case. We keep hoping each victim will lead us to someone."

"Ryan Sparks was fired from NCIS two years ago after he failed drug tests."

"More than one?"

"One, you get the chance to rehab and work. Two, you're suspended until rehab is done. Three, you're fired."

"Anyone have a grudge against him?"

"The people he put away."

Fornell exhaled deeply. "So, in other words, his list is as long as DiNozzo's?" he asked.

"I wouldn't say it's that long," Gibbs replied with a light chuckle. "I'll have my people look into it."

"The Behavioral Analysis Unit's getting involved in this too."

Gibbs nodded.

"Just forward anything you guys dig up back to me," Fornell said. "It's still an FBI case."

"Ryan's one of us," Gibbs replied.

"You're getting involved if you can play nicely with everyone on the case. Including the profilers."

"When don't I play nice?"

Fornell shook his head at Gibbs' big grin. "I mean it, Jethro."

Gibbs nodded as two plates were put in front of them. "What the hell is this?" Gibbs asked as the waiter walk away.

"Lunch, Gibbs," Fornell replied.

"Why did you order me lunch?"

"Incentive for coming. You like cheeseburgers."

Gibbs smirked. "So, you're buying then."

"Of course. On DHS's expense account."

Both men chuckled, digging into their lunches.

"So, how is Agent DiNozzo?" Fornell asked after a moment. Gibbs furrowed his brow.

"Why?" he asked.

"You haven't mentioned him lately."

"Why do you care?"

"He's a good agent. Annoying pain in the ass, but a good agent nonetheless."

"He's doing better."

Fornell nodded, seemingly satisfied. The two men continued their lunch, the topic of conversation reverting back to the case at hand and how NCIS could help.

*~*~*~*

At the sound of footsteps behind the couch, Tony snapped awake, causing a suspicious look from Gibbs. "You okay, DiNozzo?" he asked.

"Yeah, fine," Tony replied, breathing deeply to calm himself down. "Just… didn't expect someone to come in, I guess."

Gibbs shrugged. "I wake you up?"

Tony nodded, rubbing his face. He sat up with a painful groan, causing Gibbs to look over. "Went for a run today," Tony explained.

Gibbs nodded, walking into the kitchen. Tony got up and followed after a moment, sighing painfully as he leaned against the refrigerator.

"I got a phone call earlier," Tony said. Gibbs glanced over. "From Mel Grainger, Ryan Sparks' sister. She said he was murdered last night in Quantico."

"He was," Gibbs said.

"We investigating?"

"With the FBI. They've had the case for a little while."

"Serial killer?"

"Uh-huh."

Tony nodded, looking down at the floor. "Hard to believe Ryan ended up as he did," Tony said quietly. "Drug problems and all. We talked a few weeks ago."

"You and Ryan?" Gibbs asked, starting dinner. Tony nodded, helping out.

"He'd heard from Mel, who'd picked up the scuttlebutt at FBI headquarters in Quantico. Never really knew how much 'interagency cooperation' there was when an agent got kidnapped and tortured."

Gibbs nodded, going along with Tony's sarcasm.

"He wanted to check up on me," Tony continued.

"He say anything?" Gibbs asked.

"Said that he was trying to find work, but wasn't getting anywhere. No one wants to hire a strung-out cop who got fired for failing random piss tests. He said he was trying to clean himself up, but…"

"Wasn't working?"

"No. He couldn't keep himself out of them while he was so stressed about finding a job."

Gibbs half-shrugged, nodding.

"He said he was sliding down a slippery slope," Tony continued. "That was why he called me. Remember how Ryan had nearly been beaten to death a few years ago? And when he came back to the agency, his team was killed in that car accident while he was driving the sedan behind them?"

Gibbs nodded.

"That's what made him lose it," Tony said. "And… well, when he found out that… I'd gotten kidnapped and tortured, he…"

"Called to make sure you weren't sliding down that slope too," Gibbs finished for him.

"Yeah. Seemed pleased to find out that I wasn't."

Gibbs nodded.

"It's weird, Boss," Tony said. "I never really worked with Ryan except for one time in Philly, before either of us were in NCIS. He was a cop in Pittsburgh at the time… his case strayed into my jurisdiction, and we worked together on it."

"Catch the guy?" Gibbs asked.

"Oh yeah. Only it wasn't a guy, it was a girl, and boy, did she have a left hook."

Gibbs chuckled.

"Clocked Ryan right in the face, sent him to the ground. She really hated him."

"She still in prison?"

"Don't know."

"What was the case?"

"Arson. No death resulting, so she might've gotten out by now."

"Name?"

"Kayla Germano, age 18 at the time of arrest."

"Late twenties now."

"At least. We're talking 10, almost 11 years ago, so… she's anywhere from 28 to 30 now."

"What'd Ryan do to her?" Gibbs asked.

"To make her hit him?" Tony replied.

"Yeah."

"Called her a slut and said she'd never amount to anything more than someone who lies on her back and spreads her legs for money. Making her hit someone was the best way to get her into interrogation, where she confessed to the arsons. But not before threatening Ryan's life."

"She hit him?"

"Believe it or not, Gibbs, not everyone I've encountered wants to hit me."

"You're right, DiNozzo."

"Some of them want to kill me, or worse."

Both men fell into a slightly awkward silence.

"Did Agent Jennings hate me?" Tony asked. Gibbs chuckled.

"At first," he replied.

"What changed?"

"He realized you were right."

Tony nodded, sighing slightly. "That's why he quit," he deduced.

Gibbs half-shrugged. "Doesn't matter now," he said.

"Because that was years ago. I know. And none of this is about Casper Jennings, this is about Ryan Sparks."

Gibbs nodded as the two of them sat down with dinner.

"You know," Tony began. "I always thought Ryan would end up dead… I just… didn't expect it to be from a serial killer."

"What'd you think?" Gibbs asked.

"Either he'd die in a drug deal gone bad, or he'd OD one of these days. Not… taken by a serial killer. Any leads? What's the signature? M.O.?"

"You're not working yet, DiNozzo."

"I know that," Tony said softly. "Just wanted to think things out, you know? Consult?"

"You can't yet, Tony," Gibbs replied.

"I'm not ready to go back in the field but… behind the scenes… Sydney needs to clear me for that, doesn't she?"

"Uh-huh."

"And she hasn't yet. I understand."

Gibbs nodded, silent.

"Can I drop by this week, though?" Tony asked. "Just to visit?"

Gibbs nodded again.

"Because I'm going crazy here. I need to get out more."

"That's a good thing, Tony," Gibbs said. "Means you're getting better."

"Because I'm getting restless?" Tony asked.

"More like you. Still, you look through my stuff, I'll kill you."

Tony smirked. "Yeah, Boss," he said. "I know."

Gibbs nodded, letting the conversation lapse into a comfortable silence as they finished dinner.


	24. Chapter 23

A/N: I love the end of the semester, once the work is done... :D See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Tony goes to NCIS for a quick trip, and in case I hadn't mentioned at this point, it's coming near the end of Season 5... I hope you all enjoy the chapter, and please review! :)

* * *

Chapter 23: Stopping in to Say Hello

Tony giggled in the car, causing Gibbs to roll his eyes. "They've all missed me," Tony said.

"Not really, DiNozzo," Gibbs replied. "They've all seen you."

Tony shrugged. "Minor detail."

Gibbs shook his head. The last thing he was going to do was rain on the little parade Tony was finally having. He remained quiet as he pulled into his parking space. "Where's your first stop?" Gibbs asked, climbing out of the car.

"Ducky," Tony replied.

Gibbs simply nodded, watching as Tony walked in through security and headed toward the stairs. With a quick greeting to Henry, Gibbs made his way up to the bullpen.

*~*~*~*

"I don't have anything for you, Jethro," Ducky said, not looking up from the body as Tony entered autopsy.

"Well, then I guess it's a good thing I'm not him," Tony said, smiling. Ducky smiled.

"Anthony, my dear boy. How are you?"

"I'm doing good, Ducky." Tony had hoisted himself onto an empty autopsy table, smiling for added benefit. "Not 100%, but… better."

"I'm very glad to hear that."

Despite the sound of the doors opening, Tony said softly, "I told him, Ducky."

Ducky looked up to notice that Palmer was in the room. The M.E. assistant quickly tried to turn around and leave, but was stopped by a voice.

"It's okay if you stay, Jimmy," Tony said.

Ducky was slightly taken aback by the statement, figuring Tony would be too stubborn to talk in front of Palmer.

"The other night," Tony said, going back to their previous conversation.

"Did it help?" Ducky and Palmer asked at the same time.

"You two have been working together too long."

Tony's easy avoidance gave both of them their answer.

"I'm gonna go bring this up to Abby," Palmer said, walking out of the room.

"Does he think the time off made me forget my job so that I wouldn't notice he wasn't carrying anything?" Tony asked.

Ducky chuckled, pausing the autopsy. "He just wants us to have privacy," he said.

"Well, there's that."

Ducky watched as Tony's expression grew darker and sadder.

"Palmer doesn't know, does he?" Tony asked after a moment.

"I promise, Anthony, no one knows but you, me, and Gibbs," Ducky said, patting Tony's hand gently.

"Because he said some things that made me think he might."

"You know, Mr. Palmer has become quite the profiler. He reads people and situations very well when he tries. Of course, with most people, he's too afraid to try."

"But not me?"

"No. He knows that you have his back."

Tony nodded, sighing.

"And you're not as frightening as Gibbs," Ducky added, going back to the autopsy. Ducky himself had learned previously that with emotional conversations, Tony preferred that no one watch his reactions.

"Well, there's that," Tony said softly. "I… I did tell him, Ducky."

"And how did he react?"

Tony sighed. "I… I really don't know. He gave the standard line we are supposed to give victims… you know? The whole, 'it's not your fault, it's his' crap that while it's true, until now I didn't realized it doesn't make anything better. I-I don't know what he thinks about it… and I'm afraid to ask."

"What else did he say?" Ducky asked.

"He… uh… he said something about it being about him, not me. He'd said that before… in the hospital… that it was about him too. But… I still don't understand. And I asked him why they didn't take him if it was about him too."

"What did he say?"

"He said that they knew hurting me would hurt him worse than just hurting him themselves."

"Do you know why he said that?" Ducky asked gently.

"To pacify me?" Tony replied.

"Have you ever known Gibbs to say something just to pacify someone?"

"When he's dealing with kids, sure."

"But not you, Tony."

The younger man exhaled deeply, lying down on the cold table, which caused him to involuntarily shiver. "Ya ever think about heating these things up, Ducky?" he asked.

"My patients never complain," Ducky replied with a hint of amusement.

"Well, they're dead. If they complained, I'd be worried." Tony exhaled again, closing his eyes. He was surprised to find himself covered with a blanket a moment later. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it, my dear fellow."

"I know Gibbs said it because it's true," Tony said softly after a moment.

"You have a hard time believing that, though," Ducky observed.

"Yes and no. I know that he takes it personally when we're hurt. I've seen it. But… they never would've been able to hurt him. There's no way they could've ever done anything to him that they did to me."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he's Gibbs, Ducky. He's not weak like me."

"A weaker man, Anthony, would not have survived to this point in his life."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Abusive, alcoholic father, deceased mother, no one to really lean on as a child. People have committed suicide over less."

"You left out the part where I let my little sister die."

Ducky sighed. "The point is, Tony, if you were weak, you wouldn't still be here," he summarized.

"Yeah, but if I wasn't here…" Tony began.

Ducky whipped around to face Tony. "I don't ever want to hear you talk like that. Ever. You understand me, Anthony DiNozzo?"

Tony arched his eyebrows. "Are you Ducky, or Gibbs?"

Ducky leveled him with a less stern glare than one Gibbs would offer.

"I understand, Ducky," the younger man said. "Can I ask you something though?"

"Of course," Ducky replied, turning back to the body.

"Does Gibbs think I'm weak?"

"Heavens, no. Why would you think he does?"

"He had you guys all babysitting me when he wasn't there. He hasn't said anything about what I've told him. I just… I get the feeling that he thinks I'm not worth it anymore, you know? That he's just doing this to pacify me and that he knows I'll never be able to return to work."

"Is that what you think?" a new voice asked. Both men turned to find that Gibbs had joined them.

"I'm gonna go see Abby," Tony replied, evading the conversation. He ducked out of the room under Gibbs' watchful eye.

"I don't know what's worse," Ducky said.

"What's that?" Gibbs replied.

"Understanding that Tony has been broken far beyond what we could have thought, or understanding that this is actually Tony doing better."

Gibbs exhaled softly, nodding. Tabling that conversation for the moment, he said, "What've you got, Duck?"

*~*~*~*

Tony strolled into Abby's lab, repairing his shield of confidence as he made his way toward the loveable tech. "Hey, pretty lady," he said. She spun around quickly.

"Tony!" she exclaimed. "You're here!"

"I am."

She rushed forward, hugging him tightly. "How have you been?"

"I'm doing better every day."

She smiled, squeezing him. "I'm so happy. It's only a matter of time until you're back, right?"

Tony inhaled deeply, nodding. "Of course, Abbs," he said softly. "Only a matter of time."

"Now I know you're lying," she replied, her eyes conveying her deep concern. "What's going on?"

"Nothing more than has been going on."

She let go of him, taking a step back to analyze his features. "You're hiding something," she observed.

"Yes," Tony replied softly.

"Why?"

"Self-preservation."

Abby nodded, seemingly placated with that response. "You know you can tell me anything and I'd never think differently of you."

"I know. Consider this a MOAS. And… well… I told someone."

"Gibbs."

"Yeah."

"It's okay. Gibbs isn't going to think differently of you either."

"You might change your mind if you knew what the MOAS was."

"I doubt it." She rubbed Tony's arm gently, frowning slightly. While she was thankful that Tony was being honest with her, she couldn't deny that it hurt her to hear him talk like that. "If you need anything from me…"

"I promise I'll ask you," he said sincerely.

"Good," she said, giving him a slight smile. Without a second's hesitation, he reached out and hugged her tightly. She returned the hug, closing her eyes. As he let go, he dropped a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"Thanks, Abbs."

"You're welcome."

He smiled. "I'll come back down a little later," he said. "Gotta finish making my rounds."

"You better, DiNozzo," she said, giving her best Gibbs-esque glare.

"You been workin' on that?"

She nodded.

"It's really getting good," he said.

She smiled. "Thanks," she said.

He smiled, walking out of the lab.

"I hope he's going to be okay," she said softly to her machines.

*~*~*~*

The soft knock on her door was followed by an intrusion. One that she had expected, she had to admit. When Tony poked his head through the door, she smiled. "Come in, Agent DiNozzo," she said warmly.

Tony stroked in, taking in the sight of Jenny behind her desk. "Thank you, Director," he said softly. "May I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Is everything okay?"

She furrowed her brow in confusion. Tony was the one that was out on medical leave, had been tortured extensively, and was trying to move past both the physical and emotional scars. And he was asking how she was doing?

"What makes you think something isn't?" she asked.

"You look… different," he replied.

"Different how?"

"Skinnier. Not as… energetic as before."

"I'm fine, Tony."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Then so am I."

The response wasn't unexpected, as Tony often tried to gloss over things that bothered him. But she didn't expect his statement of well being to come in the form of an ultimatum. "I don't understand," she said.

"Here's the deal," Tony said. "You be honest with me, I'll be honest with you."

"Okay. I had a stomach virus last week."

"I'm doing better."

Neither one knew what else to say beyond that, as their relationship had strained somewhat since the undercover op had ended how it did. Tony would never come right out and say it, but he had the feeling that if Jenny hadn't pushed so hard, he might never have fallen in love with Jeanne. And Jenny would never fully admonish Tony for the screw up of falling for Jeanne, even though she felt that it had been a mistake that had almost gotten Tony arrested for murder.

Again.

"I, uh, I just figured I'd check in while I was visiting," he said.

"Tony," she replied.

"I'll let you know if I need anything."

She nodded, watching silently as he turned and walked out of her office just as quickly and quietly as he had walked in.

*~*~*~*

Tony walked into the bullpen, making his way quietly over to his desk. He found both Ziva and McGee concentrating on their work. "Miss me yet?" he asked. Their heads snapped out of their work to look over to their colleague.

"You're not back to work yet, are you?" McGee asked.

"Not yet," Tony replied. "Why? You liking my job that much?"

"No, not at all. I just…"

"What, Probie? You what?"

"We want to make sure you are okay before you come back," Ziva said. "We are just concerned is all."

"I'm fine, Ziva," Tony assured her. "I'll be back before you know it."

"Good," McGee said.

Tony sat down at his desk, hitting keys on his computer under the ever-watchful eyes of his colleagues. "I promise, guys, I'm doing better," he repeated.

"But you are not ready to come back yet," Ziva observed.

Tony lack of response was enough for the two agents. He wasn't going to admit it to them either way.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs strode into Jenny's office, finding the younger woman perplexed. "Something wrong, Director?" he asked.

"I'm just concerned," she said.

"About Tony."

"Yes. In your opinion, Jethro, when do you think he'll be ready to come back?"

"When he says he's ready."

"He still living with you?"

"For now."

"When he's on his own, I think he'll be more ready to come back."

"He can leave whenever he's ready."

"I have no doubt, Jethro."

"I thought his shrink was keeping you up to date about his progress," Gibbs said.

"She is," Jenny replied.

"What does she say?"

"That within the next few weeks, Tony could be ready to go back to work, if he feels up to it."

Gibbs nodded, turning toward the door.

"That jive with your gut?" she asked.

Gibbs glanced over, giving a half-shrug. "My gut says Tony'll tell us when he's ready," he said, walking out of her office.

*~*~*~*

The night ended with both Tony and Gibbs in the basement, with the older man working on the boat. Tony sat on the bench again, thinking quietly. "I'm not ready to go back to work yet," he said softly. "Being there today… I just… I can't be there yet."

"You're allowed to take as long as you need, DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "But don't let the reason you stay away be that you're afraid of what your colleagues think of you."

Tony sighed softly, looking down. "I'm not. It isn't."

"What is it, then?"

"I can't handle myself right now, Boss. At times… I can't even keep my own thoughts straight. I want to make sure I can keep it together before I come back. I don't want anyone to get hurt because of me."

"That's good thinking, Tony."

"But… I think… I mean… I-I want to try going home."

Gibbs stopped working on the boat to look over at his nervous agent.

"I… I really appreciate this, Boss," Tony continued. "You know, you l-letting me stay here. But…"

"You don't have to explain," Gibbs replied.

Tony nodded silently.

"When you're ready, I'll help you move back," the older man offered.

Tony nodded again, still saying nothing. Gibbs turned back to the boat as he heard Tony stand up and start to make his way upstairs. Between the construction noises and the footsteps, he barely heard Tony say, "Thank you, Boss."


	25. Chapter 24

A/N: A little late this week, but it's still Friday, so I'm good! :D See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Tony's back in his apartment! Yay! :D This chapter also takes place after the episode "Recoil," just so you know. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review! :D

* * *

Chapter 24: Home at Last

After moving everything back, Tony resettled his entertainment center, as it had been transplanted to Gibbs' house while he recuperated. He went grocery shopping, picking up a few things that he knew he would need. He made dinner, eating by himself for the first time in what felt like forever. After dinner, he took a quick shower before settling onto the couch to watch some TV.

After a little while, he got up, moving into his bedroom. He found that his bed was made up, and automatically knew that Abby had been to his place to clean and change the sheets. He silently thanked her as he climbed into bed, curling up for what he hoped would be a restful night's sleep.

What he got was anything other.

The wind whipping through the trees outside had made him nervous. His neighbors having loud sex on the other side of the wall was just disturbing. But the kicker was hearing the footsteps in the hallway outside his apartment. With every step, he feared someone was coming to get him and hurt him.

Around 8am he finally got up for the day, making himself breakfast and some coffee. He ate while watching a movie, finding himself relaxing more and starting to nod off. After a while he fell into a comfortable sleep on his couch.

*~*~*~*

_It wasn't Richard's basement he found himself in, but rather Gibbs, as Tony sat down on the bench. The younger man stared distantly at the boat, not sure what he was doing here._

"_This is a change of scenery," a familiar voice said as footsteps descended the stairs._

"_Guess this means that basements don't mean pain anymore," Tony replied with a shrug, looking over at Kate._

"_Which would be a good thing, right?" she asked._

"_I guess. I don't know how this works, exactly."_

"_How do you think you're doing?"_

"_Better, I guess. I can make it through the day. The nightmares aren't as frequent."_

"_Are they still as bad?"_

_Tony half-shrugged, nodding. "Sometimes. But you already know that."_

"_How about everything else?" she asked, ignoring his point._

"_Everything else is getting better too," he replied. "Why else would I be living at home?"_

"_If everything's getting better, then why are you afraid to go back to work?"_

"_I'm not afraid."_

"_You're not? Could've fooled me."_

"_I'm not afraid of going there. I'm afraid I'm not focused enough to be there."_

"_You're doing fine, Tony. You're more than able to go back to work."_

"_I just…"_

"_They don't look at you differently. They're worried. When you get back and show them that you're okay, they'll look at you as they always have."_

_Tony sighed, nodding. "I hope you're right," he said._

"_I'm dead, DiNozzo," she replied. "By now, I know everything."_

"_So you know about…"_

"_Oh yeah. And you're lucky I never found out while I was alive, or I would've killed you."_

_Tony smiled. "Sounds about right."_

"_Take your time, but hurry up," Kate said, ignoring his comment before leaving Tony alone in Gibbs' basement._

*~*~*~*

He was awoken by a knock on his door, and he slowly got up and answered it. His ruffled hair and clothes were a telltale sign to Abby that she had woke him up. "I'm sorry," she said.

"It's okay," he replied, backing out of the doorway to let her in.

"I brought a visitor."

Tony smiled as she revealed the stuffed hippo. "Hey Bert."

"Bert misses you," she said, putting the animal in Tony's arms.

"I missed him too," he replied, squeezing Bert.

Abby reached over, hugging him tightly. He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her against his chest with the hippo. "I miss you at work," she said softly. "When are you coming back?"

"Soon," he told her sincerely. "And I miss being there with you guys too."

She snuggled her head against his chest, sighing quietly.

"You gonna ask for my honest answers to questions again?" Tony asked, noticing the serious look on her face.

"No," Abby replied, glancing up. "Because I know I'll get it anyway."

"What's on your mind?"

"How are you?"

"I'm getting better each day."

"The nightmares?"

"They're still there. They'll probably always be there occasionally. But they're not as frequent and they're not as bad."

Abby nodded, squeezing Tony's midsection gently. "I'm glad. You know, if you ever need anything, you can call me. I don't really ever sleep."

Tony smiled. "I know, Abbs."

She nodded, still hugging onto him as they sat quietly on his couch. Neither of them said anything, but at the moment, nothing else had to be said, as they both sat there, enjoying the fact that they could.

They were still alive.

*~*~*~*

McGee and Ziva arrived later in the afternoon, finding both Tony and Abby sleeping on the couch with Bert between them. Every time Tony breathed, the animal let out a farting sound as he got squished between Tony's rising chest and Abby's steady arm. The scene made the two agents smile as they tiptoed quietly into the apartment, not wanting to wake the duo on the couch.

"Make yourselves at home," Tony said quietly, not opening his eyes. McGee furrowed his brow, turning to Ziva.

"I thought he was sleeping," he whispered to her.

"I'm not sleeping as well as I used to, McSneaky," Tony replied, finally looking over at McGee and Ziva. "Make yourselves comfortable."

The two new arrivals sat on Tony's other couch, and Tony looked them over.

"What happened to you, Ziva?" he asked gently.

"Nothing," she replied. "I am fine."

"You don't look fine. Something happen in the field?"

"No."

Tony nodded quietly, saying nothing. He knew Ziva wasn't telling the truth, but he wasn't about to push it in front of McGee. Abby woke up quickly after their arrival, disentangling herself from Tony as she got up and headed for the bathroom.

"I'm gonna go pick up dinner," McGee said as Abby headed back.

"I'm going with him," Abby replied. The two of them quickly exited the apartment, leaving Tony and Ziva alone.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened in the field?" Tony asked softly.

"I was undercover," she said.

"You get hurt?"

She looked up at him, finding nothing but concern for her in his eyes. And immediately she felt worse, knowing that she wasn't helping Tony by being there. "I am fine," she said quietly.

He sighed, moving over onto the couch next to her and resting his arm behind her. "Please, Ziva," he said. "Talk to me."

"Why should I tell you anything, when you have been keeping me in the closet?"

"In the dark, Ziva."

"Either way, you have not told me what happened. You have not even bothered to talk to me. Why should I talk to you?"

"Because who else are you going to talk to?"

Ziva sighed, knowing Tony had a point.

"You tell me yours, I'll tell you mine," Tony said.

She looked him in the eye, realizing that he was being honest. "You only have to share what you're comfortable with," she told him.

"Same to you."

She nodded, closing her eyes. "He could've killed me. I killed him first but… I almost died."

He nodded, sliding closer to her on the couch.

"This has happened to you before, yes?"

Tony nodded again. "Many times," he confirmed softly.

Ziva nodded, sighing and letting her head drop back against his arm. "In Mossad, a hesitation like that means instant death," she explained.

"You're not dead, though."

"I could have been."

"But you're not. Could haves and would haves mean just about as much as almosts, which only count in horseshoes and hand grenades."

Ziva said nothing, closing her eyes.

"What exactly was the situation?" Tony asked.

"I was undercover," Ziva said. "Dating this guy… we were sure he was a serial killer. We were right, of course, and he led me to this warehouse where he held me at gunpoint… he shot at me… he almost killed me."

"I take it you killed him?"

She nodded tiredly.

"When did this happen?" Tony asked.

"A few days ago," Ziva replied.

Tony let out a quiet sigh, moving his hand from the back of the couch to her shoulder gently. "Haven't slept much, have you?"

"Not really. I am not tired."

"I know what you mean."

Ziva looked over at Tony as he stared across the room. "You're not sleeping either?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I am," he said softly.

"Just not restfully."

He nodded. "Nightmares tend to make that very difficult."

Ziva turned to sit sideways on the couch before taking Tony's chin in her hand gently and turning his head so he was looking at her. "What did they do to you, Tony?" she asked gently.

"They tortured me, Ziva," he replied, his voice just as gentle as hers. "Beat me, whipped me, burned me… tried brainwashing me too, until they realized that I was more stubborn than they thought. So they beat me some more."

"They did not break you?"

"Obviously they did on some level."

She fell silent, letting go of his chin to put her hand on his shoulder. "You are strong, Tony," she told him.

"And so are you," he said. "But even the strongest of people have their moments."

She nodded, understanding his words and the deeper meaning behind them. He gently hugged her close to him, smiling inwardly as she returned it. She exhaled deeply as she turned, staying in his arms and still holding him but moving so that she could look up at him. He gave her a small smile, and she genuinely returned it.

"I am sorry for what you went through, Tony," she said softly.

"I'm sorry for what you went through too," he replied.

She nodded, closing her eyes and settling her head against his shoulder. He rested his cheek on the top of her head, closing his eyes as well.

"You're welcome to stay here tonight, if you'd like to talk more," he offered.

"I appreciate that," she replied. Neither said another word until Abby and McGee came back with dinner.


	26. Chapter 25

A/N: New chapter, same standard disclaimer... head back to the first chapter to read it. Just so you know, this chapter revolves around "About Face," which I clearly don't own. Tony's back at work... Yay! :D I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review.

* * *

Chapter 25: Starting Over Again

When Gibbs walked into the bullpen that morning at 6:30, the last thing he expected to see was Tony working behind his desk. He had known Tony was coming back to work that day, but didn't think the kid would come in early.

"You okay, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked softly. Tony looked up, smiling genuinely.

"Fine, Boss," he replied.

Gibbs smirked. "Missed this place that much, huh?"

Tony gave a half-shrug, turning his head back to the paperwork on his desk. "Both Sydney and the Director gave me the go-ahead to return to field work. I woke up early. Why sit on my ass at home when I can actually do something?"

Gibbs tilted his head to the side, understanding what Tony meant. Without a word, Gibbs sat behind his own desk, starting work for the day.

At 7:00 on the dot, McGee walked off the elevator. He nearly dropped his coffee cup at the sight of Tony back at work. The older agent simply looked up. "Something wrong, Probie?" he asked.

"No," McGee replied. "Just… welcome back, Tony."

"Thanks."

McGee made his way over to his own desk, putting his stuff down. Ziva stepped out of the stairs, giving Tony a small smile. Her lack of reaction proved to Gibbs that she had been there earlier and had already seen DiNozzo at work. The team all together again, Gibbs was quietly watching them interact when his phone rang.

"Yeah, Gibbs," he answered. After listening for a little while, he hung up, turning to his team. "Grab your gear."

The three of them obeyed quickly, following behind Gibbs as they entered the elevator. For the first time in months, the four of them were back together at work.

*~*~*~*

Gibbs took witness statements while the rest of the team went up to analyze the crime scene. As Tony lay out what the scene was telling him, McGee stepped up, looking over the edge. Tony inwardly smirked.

"Man falls over the edge," Tony continued. "Lands on the roof of the cage, which was three stories down…" He bent over, reaching for an evidence marker. "…and then he rides the elevator all the way back up to the crime scene." As he finished his statement, he moved his hand up, scaring McGee and causing the junior agent to wobble slightly. Tony grinned.

"Yeah, it's funny 'til someone plunges to their death," McGee said dryly.

Still mildly amused, Tony said, "Oh, come on. Still with the height thing? You gotta get over that, man."

"You don't just get over irrational fears, Tony. They're irrational."

Ziva silently smiled to herself at the moment, thankful to know that Tony was back as he always had been. And despite his utter annoyance at the situation, McGee too was relieved to know that Tony was mostly the way he always had been.

The three of them continued their work as Ducky and Palmer arrived at the scene. McGee went back downstairs, and both Tony and Ziva stepped away from the body. After a moment, they went downstairs, and were followed a few moments later by Ducky, who went to retrieve the gurney.

The agents were all talking to Gibbs about the crime scene when they heard the gunshots upstairs. They quickly ran up there, knowing that Palmer was still up there and Ducky had been heading back that way. They reached the room to find neither Palmer nor Ducky anywhere to be seen.

"Duck?" Gibbs called out, gun drawn. His agents followed behind him. As they navigated the floor, they found Ducky sitting there with his hand on Palmer's shoulder as the younger man tried to calm down. "You guys alright?" Gibbs asked.

"We're fine," Ducky said.

"What happened?" Tony asked.

"Apparently there was some unfinished business."

Ziva, McGee, and Tony took a moment to exchange glances while Gibbs and Ducky helped Palmer off the floor. No one said anything, but they were all thinking the same thing- this could get real ugly real fast.

*~*~*~*

Tony was silent as they worked in the bullpen. Gibbs watched on quietly, wondering just what exactly was going through the younger man's mind. "Go home," he said softly. "It's late."

Ziva and McGee nodded, grabbing their things and leaving without another word. Tony continued typing and staring at his computer, seemingly too wrapped up in his thoughts and work to have heard what Gibbs said.

"DiNozzo," Gibbs said sharply. Still the younger man didn't move or react. "DiNozzo!"

Tony's head finally snapped up, finding that he and Gibbs were alone in the bullpen. "Sorry, Boss," he said softly.

"What are you doing?" Gibbs asked, his voice caring and concerned.

"Uh… I was checking my email."

Gibbs hid his shock at Tony's honesty. "What's got you so distracted?" he asked, walking to Tony's desk.

"I hadn't checked my work email since…" Tony's voice trailed off. "There's a lot to go through here. Lot of well wishes from other NCIS agents, some FBI agents… Even one from Kort, despite him saying that I did something to deserve it."

Gibbs was about as amused about that as he was pissed.

"Didn't think that many people cared," Tony continued. "No one ever had before."

"It's different," Gibbs said with a shrug.

"Yeah. Because this could've happened to anyone, and every agent remembers that whenever it does happen to someone. Shootings, stabbings, those all come with the territory. Being kidnapped and tortured, that's a different animal. And it's got heavy consequences."

"Something like that."

Tony nodded, sighing.

Gibbs continued to stand in front of Tony's desk, waiting for the younger man to let the other shoe drop.

"There's also an email from Jeanne," Tony said softly after a few moments.

"What'd she say?" Gibbs asked, trying to keep the surprise out of his voice.

"That she had heard about it on the news, how I had been kidnapped and hurt badly, and that she was praying for me to do better. Despite that she still hated me, she truly wished I would get better and be okay."

Gibbs watched, trying to gauge his agent's reactions as the younger man scrubbed his hand over his face.

"I've been trying to figure out how to respond to her email, but… I also think that doesn't matter at the moment. Not while Palmer could be in danger." Tony sighed, closing down his email as he finished that statement.

Gibbs half-smiled inwardly at Tony's reluctance to focus on his own personal problems when something was wrong with one of his coworkers.

"Where'd everyone go?" Tony finally asked.

"Home for the night," Gibbs replied. "You go too."

Tony nodded, not wanting to argue with his boss. He grabbed his gear, shutting down his computer. "Night, Boss."

"Night, Tony."

*~*~*~*

The next morning found the agents hard at work tracking down any leads on the case with their usual banter, including Tony making cracks about putting a BOLO out for Matt Damon. After relaying their findings and statements of digging deeper, Gibbs left the bullpen for autopsy.

Ducky relayed his findings to Gibbs quickly, and as they were done, Gibbs turned to leave with a quick, "Thanks, Duck."

"How is Mr. Palmer?" Ducky asked.

Gibbs turned back.

"I really miss his assistance," Ducky continued. "You never fully appreciate someone until they're not here."

"Eh, he'll be alright," Gibbs assured, turning for the door again.

"Jimmy may not have had a good look at the shooter, but I fear the shooter may have had a good look at him," Ducky said, following Gibbs.

"Duck," Gibbs said softly before patting his friend on the cheek. "You let me worry about the shooter." With that, Gibbs left autopsy and Ducky, with the latter hoping that his young protégé would be safe from harm.

*~*~*~*

Palmer and Abby were in her lab, working hard on a composite of the guy. After realizing that the face they had come up with wasn't right, Abby said they should start over. Palmer sighed, stepping back and putting his hands on his hips.

"I couldn't catch him, and now I can't even identify him," he said. "I'm sure Gibbs thinks I'm completely useless."

"No," Abby said, turning around and standing up. "Jimmy." She put her hand gently on his shoulder, trying to offer him some comfort along with her speech. "You chased a crazy guy with a gun. You're a stud muffin. You're an iron fist with a velvet glove. You're Baby Gibbs."

"Really?" Palmer asked, his voice and facial expression giving away his disbelief.

Abby simply looped her arm through his and led him back over to the table to start again.

*~*~*~*

They were all doing their best to work through the leads and solve the case, all the while keeping Palmer comforted in that he would be okay and they all had their faith in him. The only people who didn't step forward at first were Tony and Gibbs, with both being involved in other emotional issues at the moment as well.

But even the latter found time to talk to the M.E. assistant.

Palmer was in autopsy, using the computer to work up an email to his mother when the older man walked into the room. He put his hand gently on Palmer's shoulder, causing the younger man to gasp and jump slightly in surprise.

"Sorry," Palmer offered.

"Never say that," Gibbs replied, leaning in over Palmer's shoulder to read the screen. "You writing a letter?"

"Email to my mom. I'm trying to figure out how to describe what happened."

Gibbs said nothing, letting go of Palmer's shoulder to move and sit on the desk, facing the younger man.

After a few moments of silence, Palmer finally said, "How do you do it?"

"Hmm?" Gibbs replied, questioning what Palmer meant.

"Block out fear."

Gibbs gave a slight smile as he contemplated the answer. "You don't. It's what you do with it."

Palmer scoffed, looking back at the screen. "What I'm doing with it is nothing to write home about."

Gibbs gave him a slight nod and a somewhat proud look, more at the fact that the kid was talking to him than at Palmer's insecurities. "The look in someone's eyes can tell you a lot."

Palmer shifted in his chair, looking at Gibbs. "What do mine tell?" he asked softly.

Gibbs smiled slightly before tipping his head to the computer. "Hold off on that," the older man advised. "You'll have something to tell them." He stood up, slapping Palmer lightly on the shoulder before walking out of autopsy and leaving Palmer to his own devices.

*~*~*~*

"Anthony," Ducky said, walking up to Tony later on in the day.

"What's up, Doc?" Tony asked.

"I'm curious."

Tony smiled slightly, knowing where this was going before Ducky even got there. "I have a plan, Ducky," he said softly. "I'm not leaving him high and dry."

Ducky nodded, seemingly satisfied.

*~*~*~*

After the case had wrapped, Palmer had been in autopsy when Tony finally strode in. "Hey, Jimmy," the senior agent said with ease. Palmer looked up.

"Hey," he said softly. "I'm sorry your first case back was me."

Tony shook his head. "That doesn't matter. Come on, let's go out for a beer."

At the agent's casual manner, Palmer agreed, grabbing his coat and leaving. Tony patted the assistant's back gently as they headed out of NCIS.

*~*~*~*

"How're you holding up?" Tony asked after both he and Palmer had been served their drinks. The younger man sighed, squirming slightly.

"Never thought something like this could happen," Palmer replied.

Tony smiled slightly, snorting lightly with his nod.

"I don't know… I guess I'm okay."

"The guy who shot at you is off the streets," Tony told him. "You stopped him. You're not in any danger anymore, Palmer."

"But who's to say something like this won't happen again?" Palmer asked.

"You always think like that, you'll never get out of the rut."

Palmer took a drink while he contemplated Tony's words. After a few moments, he caught onto the double meaning of Tony's statement.

"What about you?" Palmer asked.

"What about me?" Tony replied.

"How are you doing?"

Tony shrugged. "It gets better every day. But this is about making sure you're okay."

Palmer nodded, sighing heavily. "That guy could've killed me," the younger man said after a moment.

"He didn't, though," Tony replied. "You know, I've never been one to believe that things are sometimes out of our hands, but maybe the fact that you're alive means something greater is planned for you."

Palmer nodded quietly, taking a drink. "You really believe that?" he asked.

"I do," Tony said, nodding. He took a drink from his own glass, looking over at the younger man. "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, Jimmy."

"Maybe," Palmer relented, drinking from his own glass. Tony patted him on the shoulder, taking a drink. Both of them said nothing, not really needing to as not being alone was comfort enough in itself.


	27. Chapter 26

A/N: You know how I love to bring you guys relatively emotional chapters? This is another one. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. We're starting to get to the end of this story (as there are only 3 chapters left after this one). I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, and please review! :)

* * *

Chapter 26: "She Was Lucky"

The new day at the agency brought about another case: a First Sergeant found murdered in Rock Creek Park. The team had arrived at the scene in record time, mostly because from the sketchy details Gibbs had gotten over the phone, he was looking forward to getting this case solved as quickly as possible.

This one was going to be rough.

The team assembled to see the body of a young woman sprawled on the ground, her clothes ripped to shreds and her body bruised and bloodied. As they started analyzing the scene, it didn't take them long to piece together what Gibbs had already feared- this wasn't just another homicide.

The First Sergeant had been raped, too.

Instantly, Tony felt a giant swirl of emotions, no one staying long enough to figure out how he felt. The swirl made him feel dizzy, and rather than stare at the scene any longer, he chose to laser and sketch and follow anything that kept him away from the body.

That alone worried Gibbs.

When they got back to the bullpen, there was none of the usual banter between the agents. No one said a word. After a period of time, Tony disappeared from the bullpen, going downstairs to see Ducky.

"Anthony," the M.E. greeted softly. Palmer was taking some personal time, leaving the older man alone with his work.

"Ducky," Tony said softly, jumping up onto an autopsy table.

One look at the younger man told Ducky all he needed. "She may not have known what happened."

"That wouldn't make any sense." Tony's voice was soft, tight with the emotion he didn't want to show. "It's about control, isn't it?"

Ducky swallowed, nodding quietly.

"Paralytic?" Tony asked softly.

"Abby would have to tell you that," Ducky replied softly. "I can tell you that she was perhaps injected with something, based on the needle mark in her neck."

"How do you sneak up on a Marine and stab them in the neck?"

"Perhaps with Marine training."

"But then why would you need to? A male Marine wouldn't have to drug a female Marine in order to subdue her."

"That's not necessarily true, Anthony," Ducky said quietly.

"Yeah," Tony conceded. "All it takes is a little extra intelligence and anyone can do anything to anyone else."

Tony jumped off the table and walked out of autopsy as Gibbs made his way in. The team leader watched as his agent passed him without acknowledgement before turning back to Ducky.

"You might consider pulling him from the case, Jethro," Ducky said softly.

"If I feel like he's drowning, I will," Gibbs replied. "He'll be fine. What do ya got, Duck?"

*~*~*~*

As the day wore on, the other agents could tell that there was something about this case that was bugging Tony. Gone were the lighthearted quips of yesterday, and the moments of Tony playing more than working. The Tony before them was intently focused on the case, working through lunch and any possible break without so much as an utterance for food or coffee.

Gibbs sauntered into the bullpen in his usual demeanor, finding his normally bouncy Senior Field Agent stone cold silent. "Boss, we may have a lead," McGee said. "Corporal Quincy Stewart had an issue with our victim. She wrote him up several times for sexual harassment, mostly against other females in the command."

"Doesn't explain why he'd want to rape her," Tony commented quietly. Three sets of eyes snapped to his as he didn't budge from the spot he had been occupying since he left autopsy. "It's a good reason to kill someone, but not rape them. And the indications from the scene are that murder was a second thought."

"Yeah, but hating someone…"

"Doesn't mean you rape them, Tim."

The name came out so softly and delicately, but its meaning was a lot heavier than any normal passerby would know. Tony calling McGee by his given name always spelled emotional trouble for the older man.

"Ziva, McGee, find Corporal Stewart," Gibbs said. "Bring him in for questioning."

"On it, Boss," McGee replied softly. Ziva said nothing, grabbing her gear on autopilot as she watched the two men who were staying behind.

Once Ziva and McGee were behind the closed doors of the elevator, Tony let his head fall to the desk as he exhaled loudly. "If they didn't know before, they probably know now, huh?" Tony mumbled.

Gibbs shrugged, despite the knowledge that Tony couldn't see him. "Maybe, maybe not," he said.

"This isn't exactly subtle, Boss. I would think maybe McGee would still be confused, but there's no way that Ziva doesn't know."

"None of us told her."

"No. But this… she knows."

"Does that bother you?"

Tony finally looked up to see that Gibbs was squatting next to his chair, putting himself at eye level with his agent. "A little," Tony admitted quietly. "Because… I don't want them to think I'm weak."

"Do you think our victim was weak?" Gibbs probed gently, but with a little bit of a strong undertone.

"No."

"Do you think any other rape victim you've ever met was weak?"

"No."

"So why are you so different?" Gibbs asked, his voice only loud enough for Tony to hear but conveying the mild pain he felt at the moment. Pain, because he knew Tony still had a long road to travel if he was ever going to be the same again. Moments like this made Gibbs think that would never happen.

"Because they're not me," Tony replied. "I hold myself to higher standards. I try my best to not be a victim. And… I am. I was. And while I'm working to move on from that, something like this just…" Tony clammed up, almost as if he had a sudden revelation about where they were and who he was talking to. He snapped back up and got back to work, typing on his computer as if nothing had happened.

Gibbs sighed, realizing quickly that he was going to have to take a different approach to get through to Tony this time. He grabbed the younger man's wrists, squeezing them hard enough to make Tony flinch but not so hard as to hurt him. He pulled Tony up out of his chair, leading the agent over to the elevator. They stepped inside and no sooner had they gotten between floors, Gibbs flipped the switch.

Tony instantly closed his eyes, instinctively flinching as much as he could without being obvious. He was hoping that Gibbs wouldn't notice.

All hopes were dashed when he heard Gibbs' voice gently ask, "What do you think I'm going to do to you, DiNozzo?"

"Don't know, Boss," Tony asked, flinching a little more.

Gibbs reached up, putting his hand gently on the back of Tony's neck. "At ease, Tony. I'm not going to hurt you."

Tony sighed, trying to will himself to calm down. "I know that, Boss. Just… haven't been in an enclosed space like this in a while."

"Hell, Tony, I'm not even gonna slap your head."

Tony opened his eyes, looking over at Gibbs. "You're not?"

"Nope."

"Then what is this?"

Gibbs gave Tony a leveled stare, one that meant the agent was smart enough to know for himself.

"I'm not gonna talk about this," Tony said, reaching for the switch. Gibbs grabbed his wrist before the younger man could flip the switch, and instantly Tony shrunk against the wall of the elevator. "I just want to get out of here," Tony whispered softly, sinking down to the floor. "I-I just want to get out of here."

Gibbs let go of Tony's wrist, sinking down beside him. "What haven't you told me, Tony?" he asked softly.

"I was a kid. There was a closet…" Tony's voice trailed off. "This has nothing to do with now. I'm not claustrophobic."

"I know that."

Tony sighed heavily, bringing his knees into his chest. "I'm not this weak."

"I know."

The conviction in Gibbs' voice was something Tony was used to hearing, but not in regards to something Tony had said. And as his boss reached over and patted his shoulder, Tony felt his last defense crumbling.

"I'm okay," he told his boss in an attempt to put the walls back in place. "I don't need coddling. I'm okay."

Gibbs nodded. "I know you are, Tony," he said softly. "And I know you don't."

"But…"

Gibbs simply smirked, standing. Tony narrowed his eyes, trying to deduce what Gibbs was getting at.

"I needed to reinforce that to myself," he said softly as realization set in.

Gibbs smiled, nodding and saying nothing.

"You really should never try being a motivational speaker, Boss. You kinda need to talk for that."

Gibbs chuckled softly, extending his hand to Tony. He helped the younger man up off the floor of the elevator with a smile. As the elevator landed back at the bullpen, Tony was silent, knowing that there was work to be done.

"You sure you're okay, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked quietly.

"Just thinking," Tony replied as they exited the elevator.

"About?"

"First Sergeant Addler was lucky."

The comment was so passive and unemotional that Gibbs wasn't sure how to react. Tony went back to his desk, burying himself in his work and not looking up as Gibbs watched on with sad understanding.

*~*~*~*

The case had ended with Tony finding another valid suspect- former Private Victor Carson who had been dropped from the Marine Corps after being charged with stalking and harassing First Sergeant Addler. Victor had been obsessed with First Sergeant Addler, and while Corporal Stewart had been a good suspect, Tony's suspicion had been true- motive to kill, but not to rape.

As the shift ended, Jenny walked into the bullpen with Gibbs in tow. "Tony, Ziva," she said softly. "You two will be coming with me to L.A., day after tomorrow."

"Yes ma'am," Tony replied, packing up his gear. Ziva silently looked at Gibbs as the Director made her way out of the building for the evening.

"What's going on, Gibbs?" she asked softly.

"Former Special Agent Decker is dead," Gibbs explained. "His funeral is three days."

"We're escorting her there?"

Gibbs nodded.

"I love L.A.," Tony said quietly. "Hollywood. _Chinatown_."

"Swear to God, if you do your Jack," Ziva warned.

"What's wrong with my Jack?" Tony asked in his best Jack Nicholson voice.

"Go home," Gibbs ordered. "Get some rest. Take tomorrow to collect your things."

Both Tony and Ziva nodded, taking their bags and walking to the elevator. Gibbs watched them go silently, knowing they had both had a hard day, but that some rest would do them good.

And a trip to L.A. couldn't be too bad for Tony.

*~*~*~*

Tony and Ziva walked into Tony's apartment, with him clearing a place on the couch for her to sit. She had to admit she was surprised to see a blanket and pillow set up there. "You have been sleeping on your couch?" she asked.

Tony shrugged, saying nothing as he handed her a glass of scotch. She took it silently, swirling the liquid around the glass to mix it with the ice. He sat down on the other couch, taking the same care with his own glass.

"Why?" she asked.

"Why what?" he replied.

"Why are you sleeping on your couch?"

"I'm not."

She arched her eyebrows questioningly.

"Watching TV under a blanket with my head on the pillow isn't sleeping on the couch," Tony said softly.

"You're lying," she replied softly.

He shrugged dismissively. "Maybe I am."

"Which again asks the question, why are you sleeping on the couch?"

"Because I…" His voice trailed off as he exhaled deeply. "I'm having trouble sleeping."

"Still having nightmares?"

"Comes with the territory, as I understand."

She nodded silently, reaching out to grasp his hand as he took a drink from his glass. "You have never been one to open up about your problems," she observed after a moment.

He scoffed. "Like you've been so forthcoming," he said. "Few weeks ago, I had to practically drag out of you what happened in the field."

She nodded quietly. "In Mossad, you do not talk about failure. About pain. You simply move onto the next thing."

"In my house growing up, it was, 'ignore the pain or get yourself hurt even worse.'"

The admission was enough for the two of them to realize that though they grew up in completely different corners of the world, they still had something in common.

"This case got to you," she observed lightly, changing the topic of conversation.

"I'm fine," he said softly.

"When McGee was talking about Corporal Stewart's motive…"

"Don't," Tony said, his voice low and suddenly icy.

"Would you rather assume I did not understand what you were saying?" Ziva asked softly.

"Yes."

His honesty shocked her, but she recovered with a quick, "Why?"

"Because I don't want to know that you know. Because then I know what you think of me."

"What do I think of you, Tony?"

He stared down at the glass in his hand before taking a slow, long drink. "You think I'm weak," he said softly. "Pathetic. Shouldn't still be a field agent."

"If that were all true, Gibbs would have never let you come back," she replied. "And I am sure that he knows. He has known since we found you."

Tony sighed, shrugging.

"I have been trying to think about what could have possibly happened that both Ducky and Gibbs would go to great legs so that we did not find out."

"Lengths, Ziva," he half-heartedly corrected.

"Whatever. The point is, I had some idea before today that it was bad."

"Doesn't matter."

"Doesn't it? Why else would we be sitting here drinking, Tony?"

"I don't know," he conceded.

She squeezed his hand gently. "I do not think any less of you."

"No?"

"Why do you think I would?"

"Maybe because Mossad trained you not to be weak."

"Do you think you are weak?"

Tony sighed. "Gibbs asked me the same question," he explained.

"And?" she asked.

Tony stared at the drink in his hand, swirling it. "I don't know."


	28. Chapter 27

A/N: See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I figured today would be a good day for an update. Also, my intention is to have the rest of this story (two chapters after this one) posted by the end of the week. This chapter centers around "Judgement Day, Part 1", so keep that in mind as you read it. :) I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, and please review!

* * *

Chapter 27: "She Doesn't Want Us Involved"

After the funeral and Jenny's dismissal of the two agents, Tony and Ziva returned to the hotel. His grin could not be contained as he thought of what they could do with the afternoon. Ziva rolled her eyes, refusing to consent to anything more than going down to the hotel pool. They went downstairs, relaxing poolside.

"A book," Tony observed after taking a few snapshots. "How McGee-ish of you."

Ziva rolled her eyes, not wanting to get into this conversation. "You're blocking my sun," she said.

"The director gave us the day off. We should do something."

"I want to stay close to the hotel. Just because she gave us the day off does not mean she could not change her mind."

Tony shook his head. "Come on. We should visit L.A., you know? Cruise down Rodeo…"

"We do not have a car."

"We can fix that."

Ziva rolled her eyes, knowing Tony wouldn't leave her alone until she finally consented. "Let me get dressed first," she said.

He gave a short-lived giggle, and she shook her head with a smile. It was almost like having the old Tony back. They went upstairs, Ziva changing while Tony rented a car for them to drive. Moments later they were leaving the hotel, driving through the city.

*~*~*~*

As they got stuck in traffic on the highway, Ziva's instincts began to kick in with worry. "Something is off," she said.

"Yeah, it's the transmission," Tony said.

Ziva rolled her eyes. "Not that. We were assigned to protect the Director."

"She gave us the day off."

"Call her."

"Ziva…"

"Call her, or I'm calling LAPD to charge you with kidnapping."

Tony sighed, rolling his eyes as he handed her his phone. "You're so worried, you call her," he said.

She quickly dialed before holding out the phone for him to speak into.

"Yes, Agent DiNozzo?" Jenny asked as she answered.

"Uh… hi, Director," Tony said, half-glaring at Ziva. "How's the paperwork?"

"Slow. Too many distractions."

"I see…"

"Got it," a male voice said in the background, much to the surprise of both Tony and Ziva.

"Do you need something?" Jenny asked.

"No, just wanted to check in with our fearless leader," Tony replied.

"Tony, what did I tell you?"

"Not to call you our fearless leader?"

"And?"

"To take the day off?"

"Enjoy your time in L.A. because believe me, I can always find something for you to do." Jenny hung up, and Tony snapped his phone shut.

"Paperwork had a deep voice," Tony said.

"She is with a man," Ziva said. "Does not mean she is sleeping with him."

Tony rolled his eyes, and Ziva sighed.

"Do one more thing and I'll let this go," she said.

"What's that?" he replied.

"Call LAPD, tell them you're working a case, and have them track the GPS in her rental."

"That simple?"

"Yes. It'll be like _Chinatown_. I will even let you do your Jack."

In his best Jack Nicholson voice, Tony said, "Well, how do you like them apples?" He snatched his phone back from Ziva, dialing a number. When the voice answered, Tony smirked. "Bobby," he said.

"Hey, Tony," Bobby replied. "How's it going?"

"Good. How're you?"

"Good, good. Where you at now?"

"I'm with NCIS. Need a favor, Bobby."

"You name it, buddy."

"I need you to track a GPS signal for me…"

*~*~*~*

They arrived at the pier to find the director's car abandoned. As soon as they found the car, Tony's gut started churning, fearing the worst. When he saw the police cars in the area, he internally winced, hoping that they hadn't failed in their protection detail. Upon discovery of Sasha Gordon's dead body, he felt his gut churn even more.

Something really _was_ wrong.

Ziva and Tony called the director back again, both concerned for her whereabouts. "This better be World War 3, Officer David," Jenny answered, annoyed.

"Sasha Gordon is dead," Tony replied.

"How?"

"LAPD's still investigating."

"Director, she was found 30 feet from your car," Ziva said, her tone urgent. "This is not a coincidence. Where are you?"

"Contrary to what Gibbs says, coincidences do exist, and that is what we have here," Jenny said.

"But…"

"I'm fine." Jenny hung up, and Ziva looked over at Tony.

"She is not fine," she observed.

"She said she was," he replied.

"Ziva…"

"Something is not right here, Tony. How can you not feel it?"

He didn't reply, choosing instead to peer at her through his glasses. Truth be told, he was feeling it.

"You do feel it. You just don't want to get involved. Is it because you are afraid of what you will find, or because you are afraid of what it will do to you?"

"That's not fair, Ziva," he said icily. "I don't want to get involved because she doesn't want us involved. If there's one thing I've learned about the director's private wars, it's that it's better to stay out of them. For her and for you."

"It wasn't one of the director's…" Ziva started before thinking better of continuing that statement. "We need to find her. She may be under duress."

"If she was under duress, she would've used the duress word, which she didn't."

"Tony. I am not the bad guy here."

Tony rolled his eyes, adjusting his sunglasses and climbing in the car. Rather than argue further, he dialed McGee's number.

"What are you doing?" Ziva asked, climbing in.

"We need a mediator," Tony replied quietly, his voice lacking all emotion. That had scared Ziva more than anything- an emotionless Tony usually spelled trouble.

"Special Agent McGee," the younger man's voice came through the speakers.

"We need a mediator," Tony repeated.

"You lost the director, didn't you?"

"Not exactly," Ziva said.

"Gibbs is going to kill you guys," McGee said.

"Calm down, Probie," Tony said. "Don't get your panties in a twist. We just talked to her, and she said she's fine."

"I'm just afraid she's under duress," Ziva said.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," McGee said. "Did she use the duress word?"

"No."

"Oh, then she probably is fine."

"The Great McOz has spoken," Tony said, half-glaring at Ziva. Even though Jenny didn't use the duress word, he had a bad feeling about this.

"Trace her cell, McGee," Ziva said.

"Whoa, I can't do that," McGee said.

"Gibbs isn't going to like hearing that."

"I thought you weren't going to tell him."

"We won't. _IF_ you trace her cell."

They heard McGee sighed as he started typing. "Okay, her cell isn't on, but I can tell you where she placed her last call from. It's not in the area."

"Widen the search," Tony said.

"Okay, got it," McGee said. "It's somewhere in the Mojave Desert."

"50 miles away from her car," Ziva said, looking at Tony.

"Send us the coordinates when you get them," Tony said, hanging up with McGee. He sighed, turning on the car. "I've got a bad feeling about this," he told her.

"Humor me," she replied.

"No, I mean, I got a bad feeling about what we're going to find."

*~*~*~*

They pulled up at the diner with the address McGee gave them, looking around the area. "I have seen that SUV before," Ziva said.

"Gas station," Tony said, getting out of the car. Ziva followed suit, hurrying around the car.

"You still think the director's on one of your booty calls?"

Tony shot her a glare, not bothering to answer. As they approached, they noticed the blown out windows and bullet holes in the door, and they both instinctively pulled their guns. They slowly entered the building, finding every occupant inside dead.

Including Jenny.

After checking her pulse and finding nothing, Tony tucked his gun into his holster as her cell rang. He looked at the caller ID, swallowing back the bile that rose in his throat.

Gibbs.

He stood up, answering the phone. Instantly, Gibbs' voice came over the line, saying, "Jenny? Jenny, you there?"

"Not exactly, Boss," Tony said softly. Ziva painfully closed her eyes.

"What does that mean, DiNozzo?" Gibbs was somewhere between pissed and worried, and Tony imagined that was because Gibbs knew. Gibbs always knew.

"She's here. She can't answer, though." Tony couldn't bring himself to say the words he needed to say to his boss, and he hoped that Gibbs would understand.

"Well, why the hell not?"

Either Gibbs was in denial or he was being intentionally dense, and Tony couldn't tell either way. But he also was having trouble swallowing the lump in his throat. He had to, though. He had to tell Gibbs.

"She's dead," he said finally, his voice barely a whisper. Ziva turned away, walking out of the diner.

"What?" Gibbs asked. His voice was more patient, more disbelieving, and perhaps pained as well.

"She's dead, Gibbs," Tony said, his voice a little stronger as he scrubbed his hand over his face. He waited for Gibbs to start yelling, and was surprised at the next question that came from the older man.

"You and Ziva okay?"

"We're fine. We… uh… we weren't there."

That comment was greeted with a click and dead silence, two things that explained to Tony that he had been hung up on. He walked out of the diner, walking over to Ziva.

"How'd he take it?" she asked quietly.

"He didn't say anything," he replied quietly. The two of them sat along the side of the road, not sure what else to do. They had just failed their one duty in LA, and let their director get killed. The only thing they could do was try to figure out what the hell happened and where to go from here.

Everything else could wait.


	29. Chapter 28

A/N: See the first chapter for disclaimer. There's only one chapter left after this... :D I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review! :D

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Chapter 28: Finding the Director's Killer

Gibbs pulled up to the crime scene, finding Tony and Ziva outside. "I thought I told you guys to wait for me," he grunted.

"And I told them not to," AD Vance said, walking out of the diner.

Neither Tony nor Ziva spoke, looking at the ground. Gibbs went inside, analyzing the scene and talking to Vance while the other two stayed close to the evidence. They continued to analyze the perimeter of the scene in silence until Gibbs came out the side door.

"We screwed up, Boss," Tony said softly. "We should've tailed her. Ziva… Ziva wanted to tail her."

"Well why didn't you?" Gibbs growled.

"She gave us an order," Ziva said.

"Yeah, and you followed it."

"And now Jenny's dead," Tony said softly.

Gibbs said nothing else, leaving the scene and his agents to sort out what had happened.

*~*~*~*

Tony called McGee to see if there were any leads, and was very short with him. Truth be told, Probie was only doing his job, but Tony was out of patience and out of his mind. Even with Ziva's half-hearted glares as her attempts to calm Tony, he wouldn't stop being angry. Because it wasn't McGee, Abby, or even Ziva that Tony was mad at.

He was mad at himself. And nothing anyone said was going to change that.

*~*~*~*

"What are you thinking?" Ziva asked finally as the last of the evidence was tucked into the car. Tony shook his head.

"I'm trying not to," he replied angrily.

"Tony, she didn't want us there. We were following orders."

"You wanted to follow her! We should have followed her!"

"Yes, but we didn't," Ziva replied, keeping her voice steady. "And that is just as much my fault as it is yours."

"If I had listened to you, this wouldn't have happened!" Tony screamed.

Ziva didn't say anything while she sadly looked away, and Tony sighed softly.

"It didn't have to be this way, but it is," he said quietly. "And that's my fault."

*~*~*~*

After a long night and an even longer flight, Tony and Ziva walked into the bullpen. McGee looked up, deciding to try to make conversation. "Rough flight?" he asked. Neither Tony nor Ziva responded. After a moment, he said, "I saw you two went swimming."

Tony slammed his desk drawer, stalking over to McGee's desk. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, his voice icy.

"Uh… just that I, uh, saw the pictures of Ziva at the pool."

Tony took of his coat, throwing it at his desk as Ziva walked over to stand beside him. "Say it," Tony said.

"Say what?" McGee replied.

"Come on, Probie. You can say it. I messed up."

"Tony, this wasn't your fault."

"Thank you," Ziva said softly.

"It's all my fault," Tony muttered to himself, walking away and sitting behind his own desk. Both Ziva and McGee watched in silence until McGee's phone rang.

"McGee," he said.

"Abby's lab," Gibbs replied.

"On our way, Boss." He turned to his forlorn colleagues and repeated the message. The three of them headed downstairs and walked into the relatively quiet realm of Abby. On the way in, they were each given compliments on their clothing as well as a hug from the downtrodden lab tech.

"Boss, I'm…" Tony started.

"It's not your fault," Gibbs replied, making eye contact. If he had learned anything over the past few months of having Tony under his roof, it was that the younger agent had a guilt complex unlike anyone Gibbs had ever met. Even something as mundane as forgetting to replace the toilet paper could make Tony feel bad. Although, Gibbs wasn't sure if that was just the way Tony was, or if that was due to Richard's abuse. Gibbs found himself wondering that a lot more often- if Tony's fear of making mistakes was worse after Richard's abuse, or if it had always been bad and Gibbs simply never recognized it.

Before Tony could try to dispute the statement that it wasn't his fault, Abby asked, "Should we call Vance down here?"

No one spoke, simply looking around the room.

"Unanimous no," Abby concluded.

"Jenny died trying to end something," Gibbs explained.

"Does that mean the something is still going on?" Ziva asked.

"That's a good question, Officer David," Vance said as he walked in. Gibbs simply looked at his staff before following the assistant director out of the lab.

"We need to work on this," Tony said. "Let's head back upstairs."

Ziva and McGee nodded, watching as Tony curtly walked out the door. Both Ziva and McGee looked sadly at Abby, who was frowning.

"He's going to be okay, right?" she asked.

Neither Ziva nor McGee knew how to answer that, so they simply nodded and left her lab.

*~*~*~*

Later that day, after Tony had nearly bitten Abby's head off, Ziva found herself searching for him throughout the building. She found him sitting alone in Autopsy with a drink in his hand. "I'm surprised it took you so long," he said softly.

She didn't say anything, walking over.

"Thank God for Ducky," he continued, taking a drink.

"You have not listened to anything I have said," she said finally.

"Well, it's only been three years. I'm a slow learner."

Ziva sat down on the desk. "And a slow healer."

Tony said nothing, swirling the drink in his glass.

"You're crying over spilled... milk," she said softly.

"It's not milk that I spilled," Tony commented, looking over.

"Do not do this, Tony."

"Don't do what? Blow my protection detail? Blow my undercover assignment? Screw up my life even more?" He took a drink, falling silent.

"Those sound like apologies," she said softly.

He made a noise before opening the drawer. He pulled out a glass, handing it and the bottle over to her so she could pour herself a drink.

"She died alone," Tony said softly, taking a drink.

"We are all alone," Ziva replied.

"Yeah, thanks for that. I just mean that she never got married, never had any children. Never even heard her talk about it."

Ziva sighed, unsure what to say. "Perhaps she did not want to talk about it," she said after a moment.

"That could be," Tony practically whispered.

"She had a lot of secrets."

"Yeah." Tony sighed deeply, taking a drink. "And some secrets will get you killed, even when they weren't worth dying for."

*~*~*~*

Gibbs walked into the bullpen at the conclusion of the night, not in the least surprised to find the team there. Like the rest of the agents who were still working, they were watching the news of the burning building. What didn't need to be said between them was that it was Jenny's house. Or that it was a cover-up.

Gibbs walked up to Ziva, McGee, Tony, Abby, and Ducky quietly, just watching them at first. Finally, after about twenty minutes, he softly cleared his throat, drawing the attention of McGee, Abby, Ducky, and Ziva.

"Go home," Gibbs instructed them quietly. "Take tomorrow off."

Those paying attention to Gibbs silently nodded their acknowledgment, dispersing to gather their gear and leave for the night. Tony remained, staring at the plasma as if it was going to answer his life questions. After a moment, he wordlessly gathered his things, as if Gibbs' order had just come into his brain.

"I'm sorry, Boss," Tony whispered, his voice sadder than Gibbs had ever heard. "We failed her, and I'm sorry. And even though you're gonna say it's not my fault, it is. And… like everything else… I need to learn to live with it."

"Tony," Gibbs said softly.

"I'm just gonna go home. Don't worry about me."

Gibbs nodded, saying nothing as he watched his senior agent gather his gear.

"Bye," Tony said, walking out of the bullpen and heading to the elevator. Gibbs stayed where he was, simply watching the younger man disappear into the elevator for the night.

He wasn't sure things could get any worse than they were right now.


	30. Epilogue

A/N: Here we go, folks. The last chapter. See the first one for the disclaimer. I hope you all have your tissues ready, because you're going to need them... haha. This chapter's rather sad, and I'm sure you all know where it's going... haha. I want to thank all of you who've been reading this all along... especially those who have been reviewing all along, too. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

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Epilogue: I Can't Believe This is Goodbye

Gibbs, Tony, Abby, Ziva, Ducky, McGee, and Palmer all sat together at the memorial service. Each of them were trying to deal with the day in their own way, not sure what else to do. Abby was sitting between Gibbs and Tony, while Ziva held onto Tony's hand. Ducky was holding Ziva's other hand, Palmer was sitting next to Ducky, and McGee was sitting next to Palmer.

As the services started, tears came first to Abby's eyes, following next to Ducky. Palmer followed, having never before seen Ducky cry. McGee was the next to cry, losing it after Palmer did.

Tony kept his head bowed, not wanting to see anything and just listen to the service. Ziva squeezed his hand while Abby leaned away from him, toward Gibbs' shoulder. No one said any words until Ducky finally stood, squeezing past Palmer and McGee to get out of the pew. He walked up to the podium, smoothing out the sheet of paper that had been folded up in his pocket. He took a deep breath before leaning into the podium.

"I met Jennifer many years ago, when she first joined NCIS," he began. "She was working with myself and Special Agent Gibbs as her first assignment out of FLETC. She was a rather intelligent young woman who had her heart set on working her way up through the agency.

"Her deep seeded sense of duty, along with her great communication skills and her caring nature, made her a natural leader. It wasn't long before she was rising through the ranks of NCIS, finally making her way to the top as Director.

"Jennifer was the type of woman who cared deeply for those around her. She had a warm heart and was willing to lend an ear to anyone who needed it. She had a few close friends who knew much about her, and was loyal to everyone she served with.

"One night, Jennifer and I were talking after a long day. She mentioned that the only regret she had was that she had never married nor had kids."

At this point in Ducky's speech, Ziva looked over at Tony, who was looking back at her. Though neither spoke, they both knew they were thinking about the other night in Autopsy.

"Jennifer had always felt there would be time for that later," Ducky said, clearing his throat to keep his emotions at bay. "What she could never predict was that her time would run out before she could get the chance." Ducky's voice choked off slightly, his eyes tearing up. "She would have made an excellent mother and wife if she had the chance, because she was a supremely loyal woman who protected those around her.

"She will be missed by all those lives she's touched along the way," Ducky continued, tears falling down his cheeks. "She will be remembered for her love, her courage, her loyalty, and her patriotism. May she rest in peace."

Ducky stepped off the podium, making his way back to the pew. McGee and Palmer stood to let Ducky pass, both patting the older doctor on the shoulder as he walked to his seat. He sat down and put his head in his hands while Ziva stroked his back gently.

The funeral let out shortly thereafter, and the team made their way back to NCIS headquarters. They reached the floor, watching the TV report that claimed that Jenny simply died in a house fire.

Not shot to death in a diner in the Mojave Desert.

As the day wound down, the team got the news that they were to report to the director's office. They walked in, closing the door behind them.

"Rough few days," Vance began. No one responded, so Vance continued. "Officer David. The liaison position with NCIS is being terminated. You're going home."

Ziva simply glanced at Gibbs, who clearly had no indication this was going to happen.

"McGee," Vance continued. "I'm moving you across to the Cybercrimes Unit. You'll be working with Officer Hollister."

McGee also looked in shock at Gibbs, but said nothing.

"Agent DiNozzo?" Vance said.

"Sir?" Tony replied dismally.

"You're being reassigned. Agent Afloat, USS Ronald Reagan. Pack your bags. You fly out tomorrow."

Tony swallowed the lump in his throat, saying nothing.

"Agent Gibbs," Vance said in summation, taking the folders and walking around his desk. He handed them to Gibbs. "Meet your new team."

Gibbs took the folders regretfully, looking into the forlorn faces of the people that used to be his team with his own sadness mirrored in his eyes. No one said a word as they all filed out of Vance's office, not sure what to say. After everything that the day had been, they got hit with something else.

They all had to say goodbye. Again. Only this time, it was to each other. And it was the last thing they ever wanted to do.

The End.


End file.
